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The Loss of a Child Brings Isolating Grief

In: Grief

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By Justina Oldehoff

Mother walking with child on beach — Justina Oldehoff/Shutterstock.com

The more time that passes, the more isolating grief feels.

I have isolated myself. I have pushed people away. I feel at times I’m living in a lonely space.

Why?

Grief is isolating and the loss of a child is unfathomable.

Let me try to explain . . .

It’s been a year and a half since we lost our first son. I can smile, laugh at my husband’s jokes, fall deeply in love with our second-born son, enjoy time with friends, go workout. I am able to put one foot in front of the other each day and pick myself up off the ground.

RELATED: To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone

It sounds like things have gotten easier and maybe they have in a sense. The acute intensity, the crying day in and day out, wondering how I’d be able to find this new normal—it has become easier and we are living it as best we can.

But the more time that passes, the more isolating grief becomes.

The challenge is that what others see and what you’re living each day are two different views. We learn to live in our (new) normal reality, which is walking on earth with a child in Heaven.

While the world continues to move around us, even though a part of our world feels frozen in time, we try our best to move forward. Of course, some days are harder than others.

RELATED: Grief is a Constant Companion for the Mother Who’s Lost a Child

It becomes more difficult to talk about grief and losing a child as you enter this stage of life. Your conversations become more about “normal” daily challenges, you participate in outings, you don’t cry over every child you see, you finally look . . . OK.

You see, it is not anyone’s fault—no one ever told me, “Don’t talk about your grief or your child.”

No one did anything to warrant me not picking up their phone call, not to respond immediately to a text message, or to isolate myself.

RELATED: To the Woman Who Called Me Sick For Talking About My Children Who Died

Losing a child is a much different grief. It is a grief that no words could explain, it is a grief no one could imagine, it is a grief that should never happen in a parents’ lifetime. The more time that passes, the more you start to truly realize what you’ve lost.

In ways, grieving the loss of my son has become easier, but in more ways, it’s become much harder.

Originally published on the author’s blog

The deep pain of losing a child is like wearing Crocs . . . really.

So God Made a Grandmother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

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Justina Oldehoff

Justina Oldehoff is a mom of two preemie boys, Carter in heaven (1/21/19-1/24/19) and Aron born 10/9/2019 who is home and healthy, and a wife of 11 years to Dan. Following the passing of their son, Carter's Cause Foundation was created to honor Carter's legacy and provide resources and support to NICU families, loss families, and support systems.

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The Loss of a Child Brings Isolating Grief

Grief is isolating and the loss of a child is unfathomable.

RELATED: To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone

But the more time that passes, the more isolating grief becomes.

RELATED: Grief is a Constant Companion for the Mother Who’s Lost a Child

You see, it is not anyone’s fault—no one ever told me, “Don’t talk about your grief or your child.”

RELATED: To the Woman Who Called Me Sick For Talking About My Children Who Died

The deep pain of losing a child is like wearing Crocs . . . really.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Justina Oldehoff

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

Get It Now

So God Made a Mother

The Loss of a Child Brings Isolating Grief

Grief is isolating and the loss of a child is unfathomable.

But the more time that passes, the more isolating grief becomes.

You see, it is not anyone’s fault—no one ever told me, “Don’t talk about your grief or your child.”

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

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