Dear Rainbow Baby, We Love You Enough For Two

Free shipping on all orders over $75🎄

What you don’t know is the ultrasound picture on the refrigerator isn’t you. I couldn’t bring myself to take hers down, and still can’t.

Your favorite stuffed animal was a gift, but it was to me, first. My best friend gave it to me when we lost your sister. I kept it in my purse while pregnant with you so I would be brave and remember to smile. Just like the St. Francis necklace you reach for was a gift from your granddad to protect you. And the scarf I wear every October 8, December 3, and June 17 is from your grandmother. It comforts me on hard days and the baby we lost feels close to me. And so many other things in your life are memorials to her–the gold P in Mom’s car, the angel on Mom’s desk, and the silver chain I put on the Christmas tree.

What you don’t know is your godparents bought a memorial brick at their church. It says, “Baby Durham” but it’s dated the year before you were born.

What you don’t know is your uncle and namesake was the first person I saw after we found out about losing her. He knew what happened, but when I passed him on the road, I kept driving. He slammed his brakes and reversed until I stopped. We cried and hugged in the middle of the road for a very long time.

He loves you double–he loves you for two.

What you don’t know is I cried when I saw your pregnancy test show positive. They were not happy tears, they were scared tears, and they were tears for her. The fear of losing you was overwhelming, and I couldn’t overcome the irrational guilt of replacing her.

Her pregnancy test was so different–so celebrated. I could not wait to tell everyone about her. I’ll never forget showing your dad her pregnancy test or the day I told your grandparents and great grandparents about her. With you, I cried myself to sleep and kept you a secret as long as I could.

Always know, your dad believed in you when I could not. He carried us through every doubt and every doctor visit. We were never alone. Your dad never second-guessed– he has been your champion since the very beginning.

He will always believe in you.

Your very special doctor took extra care of you because he knew what we had been through. We met on the worst day, and he was with us through the best. He took my weekly calls, agreed to extra (and frequent) ultrasounds and Dopplers. Hearing your heartbeat was the only thing that made me feel better.

Blessed baby. You came 10 days early on October 3—10 months to the day after we found out about losing your sister. You knew I needed you, and you came as fast as you could. Thank you, my little rainbow baby. I marvel at how well you take care of me. You do and have done more for me than I can ever do for you.

What you must know is it isn’t a trade. You aren’t here because we lost her, and she didn’t leave so we can have you.

She lived the life she was meant to live, and you are living yours. She made us who we are today as much as she made you who you are today. And like you, baby, she is always with us and stays with us. I read that throughout pregnancy, babies transfer their cells to their mother. Her cells stayed with me, so some were subsequently transferred to you. Her purpose in life continues, in you, and in us.

You don’t know all the things people did for her–candles in kitchens and German cathedrals, prayers (so many prayers), cupcake deliveries, flowers, and care packages. Even though you were not here yet, those things were for you, too.

In the way you connect with people, I cannot help but think you know. And you are thankful.

You find ceiling fans in every room. Even when they are not moving, your eyes glitter and dart. We tell you there are angels in the fans watching over you–and your special sister is with them.

And what you don’t know is God’s plan for your life. He gives and takes away–sometimes there is a you at the end, and sometimes there is not. Trust in Him. Even when it feels impossible, know you are right where you need to be.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Her View Shop

Elly Durham

Elly Durham lives on her family cattle ranch in southeast Colorado.

As Long as It Beats, a Grieving Heart Lives with the Pain of Loss

In: Grief, Loss

Woman walking through brown field with hand outstreatched

Life churns forward in a somewhat continued and steady momentum that I find I must consistently adjust my pace to keep up with. There isn’t tolerance in life for the way grief seems to ache for pause. In the silence of this space, my body feels crushed under the weight. I sit alone with my thoughts often. I’ve made peace with the solitude that surges in the aftermath of death. Maybe not peace. Perhaps it’s surrender. After all, which one of us doesn’t fall prey to the helplessness of mortality? I can no longer count on one hand those I’ve...

Keep Reading

6 Things You Can Do Now to Help Kids Remember Their Grandparents

In: Grief, Living, Loss, Motherhood

Grandfather dances with granddaughter in kitchen

A month ago, my mom unexpectedly passed away. She was a vibrant 62-year-old grandma to my 4-year-old son who regularly exercised and ate healthy. Sure, she had some health scares—breast cancer and two previous brain aneurysms that had been operated on successfully—but we never expected her to never come home after her second surgery on a brain aneurysm. It has been devastating, to say the least, and as I comb through pictures and videos, I have gathered some tips for other parents of young kids to do right now in case the unexpected happens, and you’re left scrambling to never...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Ready for Life Without My Mom

In: Grief, Loss

Woman sad sitting by a window looking out

I’m not ready. Not ready for time to just keep trudging forward without her. Four years have gone by, and I still think about her every day. When that awful third day of October rules around every year it’s like a tidal wave comes and sweeps me up tossing me this way and that. The rest of the year I can bob up and down with the occasional waves of grief. But the week before October 3rd the waves pick up, and I can’t see over the crest of one before the next is already upon me. I find myself...

Keep Reading

Since She Left

In: Grief, Loss

Older, color photo of mother and young daughter blowing out birthday candles

It’s been 14 years since she left. It’s like a lifetime ago and yesterday at the same time. The loss of my mother was indescribable. We never had a traditional relationship. As I grew older, our roles were very much reversed, but even still, missing one’s mother (for lack of a better word) is hard . . . plain and simple. Sometimes I wonder, what is it exactly that I miss? Of course, I miss talking to her. I miss how she drove me crazy. I miss her baking. I miss hearing about her newest needlepoint. I miss when she...

Keep Reading

I Carried You for Just 17 Weeks but I’ll Hold You in My Heart Forever

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood

Ultrasound image of baby in second trimester

September 11 will be a date that is forever etched in my heart, not only because of its historical significance but because it’s the day I saw your lifeless little body on the ultrasound screen. I couldn’t hold back the sobs. My chest suddenly felt heavier than a ton of bricks. I’ve been here before. I’ve had losses, but none this late. I didn’t feel their movements or hear so many strong heartbeats at my checkups. Your siblings felt you move and squealed with utter excitement. I want to wake from this nightmare, but it seems it’s my new reality....

Keep Reading

I Was There to Walk My Mother to Heaven

In: Faith, Grief, Loss

I prayed to see my momma die. Please don’t click away yet or judge me harshly after five seconds. I prayed to see, to experience, to be in the room, to be a part of every last millisecond of my momma’s final days, final hours, and final moments here on Earth. You see, as a wife of a military man, I have always lived away from my family. I have missed many birthdays, celebrations, dinners, and important things. But my heart couldn’t miss this important moment. I live 12 hours away from the room in the house where my momma...

Keep Reading

To the Loss Mom Whose Tears Keep Her Company Tonight

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood

Sad woman sitting up in bed with head in hands

Three pregnancies in one year. Three first trimesters. Three moments of celebration . . . until they turned to moments of sorrow. I’m sure every woman who experiences pregnancy loss has the thought, “I never thought this would happen to me.” I truly never thought this would happen to me. I have two healthy boys—conceived easily, uncomplicated pregnancies, by-the-book deliveries. We even thought we were done having kids . . . until the pregnancy test was positive. That’s when my heart opened up to more children, and I realized I ached to carry more life. Raise more littles. Nurse more babies....

Keep Reading

Cowgirls Don’t Cry Unless the Horse They Loved Is Gone

In: Grief, Kids, Loss

Little girls Toy Story Jessie costume, color photo

The knee of my pants is wet and dirty. My yellow ring lays by the sink—it’s been my favorite ring for months. I bought it to match Bigfoot’s halter and the sunflowers by his pasture. Bigfoot is my daughter’s pony, and I loved him the most. The afternoon is so sunny. His hooves make the same calming rhythm I’ve come to love as I walk him out back. A strong wind blows through the barn. A stall labeled “Bigfoot,” adorned with a sunflower, hangs open and I feel sick. I kneel down by his side as he munches the grass....

Keep Reading

Supporting the Grievers in the Aftermath of Suicide

In: Grief, Living, Loss

Two people walking down tunnel with arms around each other

She was a devoted mother of two boys with her husband of 26 years. With him, she owned a metallurgy company, ran a household, and in her spare time, produced tons of crafts by hand, most of which she sold. When her younger son was diagnosed with autism, she read everything she could find on the subject, volunteered, advocated for the autism community, and developed programs for autistic children. She spoke at the National Autism Conference and was co-authoring a book to help parents navigate an autism diagnosis. We marveled at her energy and enthusiasm. She was at every family...

Keep Reading

My Dad Remarried after My Mom Died, and as a Daughter It’s Bittersweet

In: Grief, Grown Children, Loss

Older couple walking on beach holding hands

My dad ran off with a woman from California. When you put it like that, it sounds salacious and a faux pax, but the reality is a lot less interesting. My mom died of cancer at the cusp of my adulthood, leaving me and a gaggle of siblings behind. Six months later, my dad met a widow in California, connected with her, fell in love, and decided to move our family to California to be with her. Two years almost to the day after my mother died, my father married my stepmother. (I have photographic evidence of the event, I...

Keep Reading

Staycation is the New Vacation—Here's How To Make it Great

Living

Staycation is the New Vacation—Here's How To Make it Great

My First Love is the Last One I'll Ever Need

Marriage

Dear Rainbow Baby, We Love You Enough For Two

He loves you double–he loves you for two.

He will always believe in you.

What you must know is it isn’t a trade. You aren’t here because we lost her, and she didn’t leave so we can have you.

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Her View Shop

Elly Durham

As Long as It Beats, a Grieving Heart Lives with the Pain of Loss

6 Things You Can Do Now to Help Kids Remember Their Grandparents

I’m Not Ready for Life Without My Mom

Since She Left

I Carried You for Just 17 Weeks but I’ll Hold You in My Heart Forever

I Was There to Walk My Mother to Heaven

To the Loss Mom Whose Tears Keep Her Company Tonight

Cowgirls Don’t Cry Unless the Horse They Loved Is Gone

Supporting the Grievers in the Aftermath of Suicide

My Dad Remarried after My Mom Died, and as a Daughter It’s Bittersweet

free email bonus

5 Ways to Connect with Your Kids

Dear Rainbow Baby, We Love You Enough For Two

He loves you double–he loves you for two.

He will always believe in you.

What you must know is it isn’t a trade. You aren’t here because we lost her, and she didn’t leave so we can have you.

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Her View Shop

As Long as It Beats, a Grieving Heart Lives with the Pain of Loss

6 Things You Can Do Now to Help Kids Remember Their Grandparents

I’m Not Ready for Life Without My Mom

Since She Left

I Carried You for Just 17 Weeks but I’ll Hold You in My Heart Forever

I Was There to Walk My Mother to Heaven

To the Loss Mom Whose Tears Keep Her Company Tonight

Cowgirls Don’t Cry Unless the Horse They Loved Is Gone

Supporting the Grievers in the Aftermath of Suicide

My Dad Remarried after My Mom Died, and as a Daughter It’s Bittersweet

Previous Post

Next Post

You May Also Like

5 Ways to Connect with Your Kids