I'm Not Attached to My Rainbow Baby Yet

So God Made a Mother Collection ➔

I’m not attached to my rainbow baby. There, I said it.

It’s a harsh reality to admit and it’s a comment that is sure to get a few gasps, but it’s the honest truth. And I know I’m not alone—it’s a feeling that many of us moms who have lost children understand.

As I look at this ultrasound picture, my belly growing by the day, I can’t help but feel a pang of guilt as I admit this. I was deeply attached to my unborn children in my previous pregnancy, when the excitement of becoming a mother for the first time was new and untarnished.

But the loss of a child changes you forever and I find myself figuring out ways to protect my heart.

The thought of losing this child is always on my mind with this pregnancy. I worry when I don’t feel her kick. I feel anxiety when I go weeks without a doctor’s visit. And I shrug off the compliments from strangers about my baby on the way.

The reason? This is my coping mechanism. This is how I survive each day of this pregnancy after loss. It’s not that I don’t love this child any less. I just can’t bear the thought of getting my hopes up, only to be crushed if tragedy strikes again.

Here’s the thing—it doesn’t matter if we reach certain milestones, if we make it to full-term. It doesn’t matter if people tell us to have faith, to believe that God will guide us through. There is no safe zone when it comes to pregnancy after loss. We have already been through a parent’s worst nightmare. It’s completely normal to find ways to get through pregnancy after loss.

Just because you are welcoming a new baby into this world doesn’t mean that the grief and heartache of your previous losses go away. It’s something that only people who have gone through an unfathomable loss can truly understand.

But as the weeks pass by, I find a glimmer of hope creeping deep within me. I find little bursts of excitement as my husband and daughter feel the baby kick for the first time. And I find myself feeling more optimistic as I get closer to welcoming this baby into the world.

The loss of two of my children may have taken my innocence, but the hope outweighs the pain. This baby is already so loved, and my protective shield is slowly coming down with each passing week.

This post originally appeared on the author’s blog

You may also like:

A Rainbow Baby Helps Heal a Broken Heart, but the Scars of the Loss Remain

Dear Rainbow Baby, You Saved Me

This is the Reality of High-Risk Pregnancy

10 Things I Wish I Knew About Pregnancy After Loss

Her View Shop

Stacey Skrysak

Stacey Skrysak is a local television news anchor in Illinois, but her proudest role is becoming a mom after years of infertility. Stacey is mother to a 22-weeker surviving triplet and two angels. Even though two of her children were only alive for a short time, her triplets have touched thousands of people around the world. Through her blog, Stacey has become a voice for infertility, premature birth and child loss. These days, she sprinkles in the trials and tribulations of raising a daughter, who was once nicknamed “The Diva of the Nicu.”

When a Rainbow Baby Meets Mama

In: Baby, Loss, Motherhood

This week, one year ago, was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Fast forward to exactly one year later, and here I am cuddling you, my sweet boy. I never truly understood what “rainbow baby” was all about, but I get it now. Sure, I knew what it meant and what it represented. I had read the articles and heard the stories. I had seen the meaningful images and understood the definition. But I never truly and deeply knew what happens when a rainbow baby meets their mama . . . until you. When a rainbow baby...

Keep Reading

How Do You Know it’s Really the Last Baby?

In: Baby, Motherhood

Selfie of pregnant woman standing next to child, color photo

I love being pregnant. I love everything about it. I am, however, one of the lucky ones who has been blessed with stress-free pregnancies. I get the typical morning sickness in the first trimester and the utter exhaustion in the third trimester, but other than that, it’s just pure enjoyment. I know not everyone has that experience, some have horrific pregnancies, but for me they have all been relatively easy. Trust me, I do know how fortunate I am. I’m currently pregnant with my fourth child. The little man is due this summer. From the very beginning when I first...

Keep Reading

It’s Hard on a Mother’s Heart To Watch Her Last Baby Grow Up

In: Baby, Motherhood

My youngest son turned two a few months ago and still has a binky. He actually calls it his “mimi,” and he loves it so much. This morning I looked at him with a mimi in his mouth and a mimi in his hand before I walked him into daycare and realized something. I am not ready to let go of the baby stage. Getting rid of the binky would be the last step of the baby stage. He is already in a big boy bed. He doesn’t want to sit in a high chair for meals. He tries to...

Keep Reading

Some Babies Are Held Only in a Mother’s Heart

In: Baby, Grief, Loss, Motherhood

“Whatever may come and whatever may pass, we have faith that our God will bring us to it and through it.” That’s what I wrote in a post after we announced our third pregnancy. It was the first pregnancy we went public with, but it was the third time we had two positive lines on a pregnancy test. You see, we had miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage. We went from surprised optimism to guarded yearning and finally stolen joy. The first baby was nothing more than a what-if before that test. It was a surprise to two people who loved...

Keep Reading

Because There Were Two

In: Baby, Motherhood

Sonogram image of two babies, black-and-white photo

Because there were two, there were gasps and tears and disbelief. There were spreadsheets developed before you even got home from the initial ultrasound appointment and fears and relentless morning sickness and books to read and endless worries and what-ifs. There were extra ultrasounds and extra fears, extra heartburn and floor plans for extra bedrooms, extra back pain and extra cribs, extra strollers and extra car seats. Because there were two, you will always be outnumbered. There are 20 fingers and 20 toes, too much laundry, and never enough hours. There were missing socks and missing pacifiers, dirty bottles and...

Keep Reading

Finding Wonder in the Waiting of Secondary Infertility

In: Baby, Motherhood

Secondary infertility is hard. It’s an all-encompassing phenomenon that hyper focuses your brain on a single goal: another baby. The perplexity of secondary infertility is that you’ve done this before. You fertilized an embryo, carried the growing child within your womb, and delivered your bundle. It was the most challenging and yet seemingly effortless event of your life. Looking back, you wonder how you achieved such an amazing feat without assistance. Now, with Clearblue ovulation tests pouring from your pantry, period trackers abounding, basal body flow charts, and the pineapple (so much pineapple) you are unable to do the one...

Keep Reading

What I Wish Someone Would’ve Told Me About Gender Disappointment

In: Baby, Motherhood

Pregnant couple holding boy or girl sign

I was in the corner of my closet hiding behind my wedding dress and every formal I’ve ever owned. It was dark, stuffy, and felt like a good place to hide. I’d just found out I was having a boy, and I was devastated in ways I didn’t think possible and was trying to hide what I was feeling from the world around me. What kind of mother isn’t completely enamored with her baby-to-be? Did this make me a monster? I should have been happy. After all, I was having a healthy baby. That’s like winning the lottery. Instead, I...

Keep Reading

The Conversation We’re Forgetting To Have About Birth

In: Baby, Marriage, Motherhood

Woman having a baby man holding her hand

My husband lay sleeping, his head resting on a fluffy, down-stuffed pillow in our hotel room. His bag was packed neatly, ESPN was playing quietly in the background, and he had unopened snacks at his disposal on the end table. Our hotel phone rang, and my husband groggily answered, ”Yes? Oh, sorry. Yeah, we’ll keep it down. Sorry.” He hung up and found me miserable and shaky in the shower, the thin shower curtain clinging to my legs. “Steph, we got a noise complaint. You have to keep it down!” he whispered. This is not how I expected labor to...

Keep Reading

Bathtime Washes Away the Struggles of the Day

In: Baby, Motherhood, Toddler

It’s 7 p.m., which means bathtime at our house. I close the drain and fill the tub with warm water. I pump Johnson’s baby soap—the water and soap swirl together and form bubbles. The bubbles dance on top of the water, just waiting to cleanse my baby boy. I toss in your foam alphabet letters, Mr. Shark, and Mr. Penguin. I place you in the bath and lather baby soap in my hands and give you a soapy mohawk. You are barely one and still my baby, but your four fat teeth make you look older. You chew on the...

Keep Reading

This May Be the Last Time I See Those Two Pink Lines

In: Baby, Motherhood

My little caboose, I’ve just finished staring at the two pink lines. It’s not the first time. In fact, I’ve done this twice before, and each time, I am filled with the same disbelief, gratitude, and pure joy. But something is a little different this time. Unless God has different plans for us, this may be the last time I see those pink lines. And that realization makes me want to hold onto all of the last firsts we will experience together with all my might. The two pink lines. The first time we hear your precious heartbeat. RELATED: Dear...

Keep Reading

You Don't Know Tired

Baby

You Don't Know Tired

God Knew What He Was Doing When He Gave Me Sons

Kids

I’m Not Attached to My Rainbow Baby Yet

But the loss of a child changes you forever and I find myself figuring out ways to protect my heart.

Her View Shop

Stacey Skrysak

When a Rainbow Baby Meets Mama

How Do You Know it’s Really the Last Baby?

It’s Hard on a Mother’s Heart To Watch Her Last Baby Grow Up

Some Babies Are Held Only in a Mother’s Heart

Because There Were Two

Finding Wonder in the Waiting of Secondary Infertility

What I Wish Someone Would’ve Told Me About Gender Disappointment

The Conversation We’re Forgetting To Have About Birth

Bathtime Washes Away the Struggles of the Day

This May Be the Last Time I See Those Two Pink Lines

free email bonus

5 Ways to Connect with Your Kids

I’m Not Attached to My Rainbow Baby Yet

But the loss of a child changes you forever and I find myself figuring out ways to protect my heart.

Her View Shop

Share this:

When a Rainbow Baby Meets Mama

How Do You Know it’s Really the Last Baby?

It’s Hard on a Mother’s Heart To Watch Her Last Baby Grow Up

Some Babies Are Held Only in a Mother’s Heart

Because There Were Two

Finding Wonder in the Waiting of Secondary Infertility

What I Wish Someone Would’ve Told Me About Gender Disappointment

The Conversation We’re Forgetting To Have About Birth

Bathtime Washes Away the Struggles of the Day

This May Be the Last Time I See Those Two Pink Lines

Previous Post

Next Post

You May Also Like

5 Ways to Connect with Your Kids