I worry someday I will disappoint you, that I will trip over the hem of my dress and stumble. I have so much love for you. Know that I do! Know that I don’t doubt no one will ever do, but you! But with a heavy heart, I admit I may be flawed. In the back of my mind, through the dormant days, I worry I will lose you to “everything is fine” and there will never even be a fight.

Each year counts for something, but what does it take away? How often now darling do we make it to the dance floor? The pearls, I know they were meant to replace the words. The candles, the moonlight we squandered. Yes, I know this story all too well. I have written, mostly strung words into sentences until the moment they form into feelings and shatter, and damn it, I am forced to feel.

I fidget by your side, on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, running after our kids, while seeking all that I am meant to be. How can I even resemble the same woman you fell in love with fifteen years ago? She no longer looks her best. You have seen her covered in blood, broken and blue. Not a pretty sight. Worried I will or have become your, “this will have to do” breaks my heart.

In a box of broken things is an “I’ll get to it” attitude. Late into the month it has been getting before I smear a shade of lipstick on and give you all of my attention. In the good and bad you’ve proven your point, but in the ugly can I be certain you will forgive me. In the seconds hesitating at the front door will it all be worth saving?

Will you still love me when I’m not my best?

In the midst of burning supper, juggling schedules and working with deadlines, is our marriage. Like my favorite dress hanging in the back of my closet, there is never an occasion. It is a sad thought. I am taking for granted those kiss good-nights, pushing the distance, to what could someday be a kiss good-bye. Or am I fretting and fidgeting over nothing? As you catch me alone, while our kids play in the yard, flirting with me at the kitchen sink.

We managed to fit a date night on the calendar, two months from now, dinner for two. Hopefully I won’t be tired and your back won’t hurt and the baby sitter won’t fall through. Two months, so much can happen that could make or break us. Truth or dare, do you think we’ll make it? Calling me out with a dare, you do. You pull the truck off the road into an approach sheltered by a grove of trees. No way were you waiting two months for me!

The dates, the dinners, the dashing off on a romantic weekend they never seem to happen. In the midst of idling in the mortgage and management of this same old love story, you charm me off into a corner. For merely a moment was all you needed for me to fall, like I do for you, in love. Like I know no one else will do. It reassures me each time, all these years, we still melt together.

You ease my worries, as you take my burdens, as you always have. Dinner may not happen two months from now, but these little moments that define you and me will. Before all the rest, it was just you and me. We built a strong foundation to this marriage. When all else fails, as it often does, it is your arms I will fall back into. Only you will love me even when I’m not my best; when I don’t deserve your grace or compassion. After two months sitting on the back burner you will still be the one to sweep me off my feet.

It is an amazing kind of love! I’d like to reassure the world, walking down the aisle there is no greater love. But the truth of the matter is that wedding day kind of love is just a walk in the park. If the years go by and you don’t fall more in love with each other or roll up your sleeves and make the effort then you will never know the peace of happily ever after. You will never be able to love each other when you’re not your best.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Jen Miller

My name is Jennifer Miller, but I prefer simply Jen. I live in Hawley, MN. It is a small town built along the railroad tracks and surrounded by fields. I married my high school sweetheart in 2005 and we have two little boys, Jack (5) and Grey (3). Motherhood took me by surprise just before my 30th birthday and since then I have been stay at home mom and have loved every minute of the craziness. I am a staff writer for the Hawley Herald and do most the work from home. Being an introvert it took me out of my comfort zone, but so worth it because I love writing. It is something I do every day and it allows me to be home with my boys.

I Thought Our Friendship Would Be Unbreakable

In: Friendship, Journal, Relationships
Two friends selfie

The message notification pinged on my phone. A woman, once one of my best friends, was reaching out to me via Facebook. Her message simply read, “Wanted to catch up and see how life was treating you!”  I had very conflicting feelings. It seemed with that one single message, a flood of memories surfaced. Some held some great moments and laughter. Other memories held disappointment and hurt of a friendship that simply had run its course. Out of morbid curiosity, I clicked on her profile page to see how the years had been treating her. She was divorced and still...

Keep Reading

The First 10 Years: How Two Broken People Kept Their Marriage from Breaking

In: Journal, Marriage, Relationships
The First Ten Years: How Two Broken People Kept Their Marriage from Breaking www.herviewfromhome.com

We met online in October of 2005, by way of a spam email ad I was THIS CLOSE to marking as trash. Meet Single Christians! My cheese alert siren sounded loudly, but for some reason, I unchecked the delete box and clicked through to the site. We met face-to-face that Thanksgiving. As I awaited your arrival in my mother’s kitchen, my dad whispered to my little brother, “Hide your valuables. Stacy has some guy she met online coming for Thanksgiving dinner.” We embraced for the first time in my parents’ driveway. I was wearing my black cashmere sweater with the...

Keep Reading

Dear Husband, I Loved You First

In: Marriage, Motherhood, Relationships
Man and woman kissing in love

Dear husband, I loved you first. But often, you get the last of me. I remember you picking me up for our first date. I spent a whole hour getting ready for you. Making sure every hair was in place and my make-up was perfect. When you see me now at the end of the day, the make-up that is left on my face is smeared. My hair is more than likely in a ponytail or some rat’s nest on the top of my head. And my outfit, 100% has someone’s bodily fluids smeared somewhere. But there were days when...

Keep Reading

Stop Being a Butthole Wife

In: Grief, Journal, Marriage, Relationships
Man and woman sit on the end of a dock with arms around each other

Stop being a butthole wife. No, I’m serious. End it.  Let’s start with the laundry angst. I get it, the guy can’t find the hamper. It’s maddening. It’s insanity. Why, why, must he leave piles of clothes scattered, the same way that the toddler does, right? I mean, grow up and help out around here, man. There is no laundry fairy. What if that pile of laundry is a gift in disguise from a God you can’t (yet) see? Don’t roll your eyes, hear me out on this one. I was a butthole wife. Until my husband died. The day...

Keep Reading

I Can’t Be Everyone’s Chick-fil-A Sauce

In: Friendship, Journal, Living, Relationships
woman smiling in the sun

A couple of friends and I went and grabbed lunch at Chick-fil-A a couple of weeks ago. It was delightful. We spent roughly $20 apiece, and our kids ran in and out of the play area barefoot and stinky and begged us for ice cream, to which we responded, “Not until you finish your nuggets,” to which they responded with a whine, and then ran off again like a bolt of crazy energy. One friend had to climb into the play tubes a few times to save her 22-month-old, but it was still worth every penny. Every. Single. One. Even...

Keep Reading

Sometimes Friendships End, No Matter How Hard You Try

In: Friendship, Journal, Relationships
Sad woman alone without a friend

I tried. We say these words for two reasons. One: for our own justification that we made an effort to complete a task; and two: to admit that we fell short of that task. I wrote those words in an e-mail tonight to a friend I had for nearly 25 years after not speaking to her for eight months. It was the third e-mail I’ve sent over the past few weeks to try to reconcile with a woman who was more of a sister to me at some points than my own biological sister was. It’s sad when we drift...

Keep Reading

Goodbye to the House That Built Me

In: Grown Children, Journal, Living, Relationships
Ranch style home as seen from the curb

In the winter of 1985, while I was halfway done growing in my mom’s belly, my parents moved into a little brown 3 bedroom/1.5 bath that was halfway between the school and the prison in which my dad worked as a corrections officer. I would be the first baby they brought home to their new house, joining my older sister. I’d take my first steps across the brown shag carpet that the previous owner had installed. The back bedroom was mine, and mom plastered Smurf-themed wallpaper on the accent wall to try to get me to sleep in there every...

Keep Reading

5 Tips For Dealing With a Toxic Mother-in-Law

In: Grown Children, Journal, Marriage, Relationships
Woman frustrated with her mother in law

Many people admit to having difficulty establishing and maintaining relationships with their in-laws, however having a toxic mother-in-law can be especially tricky when balancing a relationship with your spouse. I have five simple tips that can help put you on a happier and healthier path when dealing with a toxic mother-in-law. 1. You don’t have to like your mother-in-law, or even be friends. Establish clear boundaries with your spouse. Let him know that it is OK for him to maintain a relationship with his mother without involving you. By doing this you can eliminate the pressure to please your mother-in-law;...

Keep Reading

To the Mother of My Son’s Future Wife

In: Grown Children, Inspiration, Kids, Marriage, Motherhood, Relationships
marriage, wife, husband, grown children, www.herviewfromhome.com

To the mother of my son’s future wife, I’m in the midst of dirty diapers and temper tantrums, but I do have days where I think about the future and what it will look like for my son. I wonder who he will be, what he will do and probably most of all, who he will love. I wonder about the type of woman he will bring home to meet us one day. I have my own thoughts on the type of person I wish my son would fall in love with, but we all know that the heart wants...

Keep Reading

Sometimes the Middle Child Needs a Little Extra Love

In: Kids, Motherhood, Relationships
middle child mother www.herviewfromhome.com

Mamas, look after your middles. Those babies who are born second, third, fourth or so in the birth order. The ones who are sandwiched between the idolized older sibling and the teeny tiny baby who stole everyone’s hearts. They need you more than you know. They need a little extra love from time to time. A hug and a “good job” here and there just to remind them that nobody has taken their spot in your heart since you added to your family. Try to remember they weren’t given a choice of their place in the lineup. If given the...

Keep Reading