Free shipping on all orders over $75🎄

You know what my husband is doing?

He’s chopping down trees to clear the yard. Or hanging drywall in the basement. He’s sweeping the garage, which, honestly, I find almost ridiculous—a waste of time. He’s painting the armoire I insisted had to be transformed into a coffee bar. And I bet he finds that ridiculous even though he’d never say so.

He’s washing the dishes and folding the laundry. He’s roaring with dinosaurs, playing with dolls, building tile masterpieces, and chasing the kids. He’s sleeping with a 50-pound baby on his head and a knee in the back on the smallest section of the giant bed even though he’s the giantest of us all.

He’s warming my car, shoveling the driveway, scraping the windshield in the winter, because I obviously forgot to park the car in the garage. He’s putting a towel on my seat in the summer because I’m running so late, and that leather is bound to burn my legs. I never think about that. I just jump in, without a second thought and let the suckers burn.

He’s watching me struggle from a distance, sometimes, feeling helpless because I hate when he sees me disappointed in myself.

How can I stand to let him see me at my worst when I don’t even like myself, you know? If I don’t like myself, how can he possibly like me?

RELATED: Dear Husband, I Don’t Feel Like “Me” Right Now; Please Love Me Anyway

He’s worrying, too—and he does worry, despite the fact he doesn’t want anyone to know. So he’s doing it all alone. That’s what men do, right? They carry the weight on their shoulders. That’s what he’s been conditioned to do all his life. That’s what society tells him is right. He worries, nonetheless because he’s human. And he keeps it to himself because he’s the manhe’s supposed to be the strong one. He refuses to let me see it. But he understands this isn’t the best way, and he promises this isn’t what we’ll teach our son.

He’s spending his days thinking about me, and thinking about our kids, and somehow still trying to think about his job, so he can actually care for us in the way he knows best. By keeping us safe, fed, sheltered, and loved. And part of caring for us, for him, means not letting us feel his fears.

Right at this moment, he’s loving me with his whole heart. I know pieces of me are hard to love, but he doesn’t bring them up.

Once upon a time, he told me he’d never push me for answers, and he’d never expect more than I could give, and he’d never want to change me . . . because all he wants in the world is to wake up to me in the morning. So he would never do anything to risk that. (Cue the tears and the long talks about that scenario.)

He’s excited when I finally make plans with my friends. He knows I need that, and he encourages it gladly. Even better, he loves to hang out with my friends and their husbands, too. He happily integrates himself into my life, making my happiness his happiness.

He’s planning to see yet another musical, even though they’re not his thing and he can barely fit in those teeny, tiny, gold, filigree chairs because there’s not much more I love than watching stories unfold on stage. He doesn’t love that, but that doesn’t matter to him. He sings songs (sometimes too enthusiastically) he would never have listened to before. He learns to like even foreign-language films because he’d never just ignore something that’s a part of me. He buys picnic baskets and colorful outdoor dining sets. We never really use them, but he wants them to be there because the sheer idea of a picnic makes me giddy. He delights in my whims and adventures.

RELATED: Dear Husband, Your Strong Hands Hold My Heart

He’s gentle with me. He listens to my feelings, even though he doesn’t always know what to do with them. He tries, though.

He openly answers every question I ever ask, whether silly or serious. He loves to talk to me. He does his best to communicate.

But.

That doesn’t mean it’s always easy. And I would never suggest that it is.

There’s something strange about being human, or maybe about being a wife. Something that makes me expect him to read my mind, or to do things exactly as I would do them, or to initiate the conversations himself, or to deeply draw on his feelings before I ask.

Truthfully, we experience real-life struggles. Painful moments. Raw ones. Frustrating days . . . frustrating months. We are incredibly imperfect. We screw up all the time.

And of all the things my husband does, there is one thing he struggles with most, and I never let him forget it.

He doesn’t easily open up. He doesn’t know how to intimately share his feelings. Even when I ask a seemingly simple question, he’s not sure how to elaborate. He thinks he’s a burden; he thinks he’ll be wrong. He’s always been like that, he tells me. That’s what he learned as a boy growing up in the 80s and 90s. That’s what society taught him. But more than that—I’m not completely sure he knows HOW to access his emotions.

But I have to be honest in saying I give my husband a very hard time about this ONE thing he doesn’t do. It’s painful for me. It’s hard for me to handle. It selfishly makes me feel like I’m not enough.

Until I go back and see the many things he does do. Until I go back and appreciate this beautiful human I married. And then I can’t understand why I let this one thing bother me so much.

Because come to think of it, there is just one more thing my husband doesn’t do.

He doesn’t give up. He never will. He fights for me, every day. He fights to give me what I need.

And maybe I haven’t mentioned it yet because this moment is more about him. But the truth is, I gladly give of myself to do all the things that make him happy, too. Maybe not enough. Maybe I don’t always get it. But we fight for each other. We deserve it.

RELATED: Dear Husband, You’re Worth It

So, you know what I need? Not necessarily a husband who can pinpoint the worst moment of his life. Or the thing he regrets, or the dreams he’d still dare to dream if they were in reach. I don’t need a natural talker.

I need a husband who sweeps the floors and inexplicably labels the cereal in the pantry (which he did last night when I crashed on the couch, exhausted in the late afternoon) and folds the laundry when I’m tired. I need a husband who supports me, no matter what. I need a gentle husband who loves me through it all.

And I’ve got that. I’ve got him. I’ve got someone I can also be better for, every day.

And that’s why I raise my hands and praise Jesus for giving me a husband who clears my windshields and warms my seats on the coldest winter days.

Previously published on the author’s blog

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Cassie Gottula Shaw

I'm Cassie, and I'm a writer, mama, Jesus enthusiast, cliche coffee drinker, and lover of all the stories. I believe in the power of faith and empathy, radical inclusivity, and the magic and beauty of ordinary days. I'm inspired every day by the firm belief that we owe something to each otherlove and human connection. When I'm not writing, you can find me running from dinosaurs, building castles, pursuing joy, or watching the sun rise over the fields of Nebraska (coffee in hand) where my husband and I are raising two spectacular children. For more stories, visit my Facebook page, From the House on a Hill with Cassie Gottula Shaw; Instagram, Cassie Gottula Shaw; and the blog, fromthehouseonahill.com

Marriage Is Too Short to Fight over Trash Bags

In: Marriage
Man hugging woman in front of a window

It was a Sunday, and we had just returned from a hospital stay with our medically complex daughter. We needed a reset—one of those “all house chores get tackled in a day” type of resets. We needed a fresh start. Around mid-day, my husband Josh and I were both in full cleaning mode. The morning had been chaotic. Our daughter was struggling with seizures, and our son was still buzzing with excitement from two birthday parties he had attended the day before. As he begged for the banana bread in the oven to cook faster and for more episodes of...

Keep Reading

Your Husband Needs Friendship Too

In: Faith, Friendship, Marriage
3 men smiling outside

As the clock inches closer to 7:00 on a Monday evening, I pull out whatever dessert I had prepared that week and set it out on the kitchen counter. This particular week it’s a trifle, but other weeks it may be brownies, pound cake, or cookies of some kind. My eyes do one last sweep to make sure there isn’t a tripping hazard disguised as a dog toy on the floor and that the leftover dinner is put away. Then, my kids and I make ourselves scarce. Sometimes that involves library runs or gym visits, but it mostly looks like...

Keep Reading

Dear Husband, Some Days I Feel So Alone

In: Marriage, Motherhood
Woman holding toddler looking tired

Dear my love, I am sitting here at the table you built, back when time was plentiful, and money was sparse. Back when pre-drinks were always at our place, loving sleep-ins were abundant, and the days were our own. I wonder . . . back then, what we might have imagined our life would look like, 10 years later? Would we have pictured the white picket fence, the curly, fair-haired, sensitive little boy and cheeky little girl? We probably would have imagined that we would be hard working, but would we have pictured the deep-set exhaustion that is our day-to-day...

Keep Reading

I Never Thought I’d be Divorced…Twice

In: Living, Marriage
Woman walking away on boardwalk alone

Divorced. I never thought it’d be me. Especially twice divorced. Yet, here I am, single again after two failed marriages. I say failed because the marriages didn’t last. But were they really failures? Failure is defined as a “lack of success.” But by what yardstick is success measured? I know plenty of people in absolutely miserable marriages that I would not consider successful. So is it really fair to call my two marriages failures? I guess it depends on who you ask and what they see as a failure versus a success. Just because a marriage is legally intact doesn’t...

Keep Reading

Marriage Is So Much More than Love

In: Marriage
Husband and wife hugging, color photo

I met my husband when I was 19. I knew right away there was something there. I was intrigued by him—his looks, his smile, his big heart, his mysterious side. He was unapologetically himself. He listened to his music a little too loud, did his own thing, didn’t try to impress my parents, and lived his life on his own terms. With his hat backward, those big blue eyes, and that mischievous grin . . . I fell hook, line, and sinker. I loved the fact that he had his own house, his own boat, his own life. I was...

Keep Reading

Look for the Green Flags Too

In: Marriage
Couple hugs with twinkle lights in background

We all think we want that storybook romance. We want a partner to sweep into our lives, sing love songs outside of our bedroom window, buy huge bouquets of flowers for no particular reason, publicly declare their love for us every day, and when they’re wrong they should always apologize into a microphone in front of a large crowd. Besides the fact that most of the above are clues that Prince Charming is actually an undercover narcissist and you should probably run far away, this kind of romance sounds rather exhausting. Sure, it sounds fun for a while, but there’s...

Keep Reading

Dear Husband, I Remember It All

In: Marriage
Man and woman touch foreheads and smile

Dear husband,  I remember when we were dating in high school, all snuggled up sitting on the couch by the fire in your parents’ basement, talking about our hopes and dreams for our future. We both hoped to be in each other’s future. I remember going on so many adventures. All the laughs, the jokes, all the times we got into trouble and said, “This will make a great story afterward.” I remember when you asked me to marry you. We were so young, so naive with no idea of what the future would hold, but we couldn’t have been...

Keep Reading

What Happens When Your Perfect Life Explodes?

In: Grief, Living, Loss, Marriage, Motherhood
Sad woman by window with her head in hands

One day you’re living your best life, writing articles about how perfect your marriage is, and the next, BOOM, life as you know it completely changes. I was blindsided by information that my husband had been lying to me for three years about certain aspects of our lives. I felt like I had been hit in the gut by the biggest rock you could imagine. What has followed has been a snowball of events and new information that has changed the course of my and my kids’ lives. So what do you do when your perfect explodes? This is one...

Keep Reading

Dear Husband, In This Busy Season

In: Living, Marriage
Busy family in the kitchen, man walking into the door holding coffee

Dear husband,  I know this is a busy season for you. I see how hard you’re working. And I know you come home exhausted every night. I know you’d be here earlier—and more often—if you could. But you can’t. Because this is your busy season.  And there are a few things I need you to know.  This is hard for me too. Even on normal days, I’m on call 24/7 for the kids, but now, I don’t have you at home as backup. The needing never stops, and I no longer have you to share it with. I can’t say,...

Keep Reading

Attention Husbands, Your Wife Needs Your Touch

In: Marriage
Man kissing woman on forehead

Attention husbands, Your wife needs your touch. And I’m not just talking about sex, though she needs that too, I’m talking about intimacy beyond the bedroom. I’m talking about reaching for her hand while you’re driving. Holding her hand and walking closely in public. Cuddling on the couch while watching TV. Pulling her close and kissing her passionately when she least expects it. Wrapping your arms around her and holding her just for the sake of being close with no other expectations. Pushing the hair back out of her eyes just so you can touch her face.  RELATED: The Key to...

Keep Reading