Our Keepsake Journal is Here! 🎉

For the past 10 years, my husband and I have been loving each other the wrong way.

A few weeks ago, we went out for dinner. He was distracted by his phone and other people around us. I got a little upset. How could he not know how important date nights are to me? How could he not know I crave one-on-one attention sometimes?

He didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to me or why I was so upset. I tried explaining it in a way I thought he may understand, but he didn’t. So I left it alone.

A few days after that, I had been having a lazy day. I didn’t really do much of the dishes, so the sink was piling up.

No big deal, I thought to myself. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.

My husband got home, looked in the sink, and was a little upset that there was now a growing pile of dishes.

I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, but it’s not that big of a deal. I’m home tomorrow, I’ll do it then.”

Then, like I had tried to explain to him why I was upset about not having one-on-one attention last week at dinner, he tried to explain why the dishes made him feel not very appreciated or loved.

I looked at him and said, “How can dirty dishes make you feel unloved?”

He looked at me and said, “Well, how can me looking down at my phone for a quick second at dinner make you feel unloved?”

I looked at him as I started thinking.

Thinking that we were loving each other in the wrong ways. In ways we think our love is being clearly shown, but to the other, it’s not.

Loving someone the way you want to be loved doesn’t always work because everyone sees and views love differently.

RELATED: Marriage Isn’t About Your Happiness

So, we sat on the couch and talked for the first time in 10 years about how we want to be loved.

What that looks like for us.
Why we need it.
What it feels like.

I discovered my husband feels the most loved when I do things to help him, like putting away the dishes or helping him out when he needs it.

He learned I view love as quality time; I feel most loved when we spend time together, like when we go out to dinner and his attention is solely on me.

I said, “Have we really been loving each other wrong, this whole time?”

After 10 years together, my husband and I finally learned how we need to love each other.

So, I walked to the kitchen and started putting the dishes away. My husband walked up, put on some music, and said, “Let’s wash them together.”

Quality time and helping each other in one.

We’re slowly learning to show how we love each other in different ways . . . together.

After 10 years, we now know how to properly love each other.

Because loving someone the way you want to be loved doesn’t always work.

My husband and I view love so differently, but you know what? I think we’re going to be OK.

We’re going to be OK because I know how to love him properly, so he feels it in his soul.

RELATED: Marriage Has Humbled Me To My Core

As for me, well, let’s just say I have a one-on-one date with my husband tonight—no phones.

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page

 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Caitlin Fladager

I’m a 25 year old mom to two amazing kids. I’m married to my high school sweetheart. I got pregnant when I was 18, and married when I was 20. I started early on most things in life, but I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I’m an advocate for mental health and self love.

Dear Husband, I Choose You Every Day for the Rest of Our Lives

In: Marriage
Couple laughing by the water

We renewed our vows yesterday. Not with a big party in front of all our family and friends. I didn’t put on a white dress, there was no tux, and we didn’t pay for a hall or buy a new wedding band. We renewed our vows in front of a sink full of dirty dishes, with the washer and dryer going,  just the two of us, under a sign that says “in this kitchen we dance.” Our kids were bickering in the background, and we looked at each other with “how did we get here?” in our eyes. But then...

Keep Reading

Some Days We’re Strangers, Some Days We’re Stronger

In: Marriage
Smiling couple embracing

Some days we’re strangers. Some days we’re stronger. It’s a feeling I’ve stumbled across in my marriage, particularly after we became parents. Some days, I look across the room and see a superhero. Other days, it feels like I’m looking at someone I barely recognize. I often look in the mirror and say the exact same things about myself. Every day tells a different story. We are faced with different versions of ourselves as parents . . . and partners. It may sound harsh, but it’s the honest truth. I also know I wouldn’t trade a moment of either day...

Keep Reading

To the Military Spouses Making it Work

In: Living, Marriage, Motherhood
Military spouses hug with child hugging legs

Last night, after I’d read the first half of the same two board books over and over to the twins and settled them in their cribs, I laced up my running shoes and ran out into the hot night. Dusk was collecting beneath the blackberry bushes and clusters of fireflies were testing their flashers in the tree line. Even the breeze, frothing up the treetops, felt like the opening of an oven on my face. I made it all the way around the lake before the path disappeared in the dark. David had just finished reading Little House on the...

Keep Reading

You Make Our Marriage Work and I Love You More than Ever

In: Faith, Marriage
Husband and wife, smiling, selfie, color photo

I used to write love letters to you. I’d sit in my dorm room for hours, penning pages of poems that you’ve apparently kept in a drawer in our bedroom closet ever since. Recently, you mentioned you miss that girl. We laughed because neither of us knew you would turn out to be the sentimental one. And I was thinking, but never said, that the older, more cynical version of me has no idea how to write a love poem anymore. I look at love differently now. I’m different now. We’ve waded through years of never-before-known territory—sometimes treacherous, often mundane,...

Keep Reading

This Middle Love

In: Marriage
Husband and wife standing in stone courtyard, black-and-white photo

I look at you, and I can’t really remember our beginning anymore. That exciting, bubbly feeling that accompanied our firsts in everything has faded to a consistent and faithful hum. Here now, in the weeds of life—the thick of parenting, the building of our life stage—all the years of struggling to make it. Here we are, often so tired, but still trying- sometimes searching for the excitement of how it used to be. This middle of our love—a little bit worn with the years, but somehow stronger than it was when it began. A little like our favourite blanket, no...

Keep Reading

The Only Fights I Regret Are the Ones We Never Had

In: Living, Marriage
Couple at the end of a hallway fighting

You packed up your things and left last night. There are details to work out and lawyers to call, but the first step in a new journey has started. I feel equal parts sad, angry, scared, and relieved. There’s nothing left to fix. There’s no reconciliation to pursue. And I’m left thinking about the fights we never had. I came down the stairs today and adjusted the thermostat to a comfortable temperature for me. It’s a fight I didn’t consider worth having before even though I was the one living in the home 24 hours a day while you were...

Keep Reading

He’s Not the Man I Married, but I Love the Man He’s Become

In: Marriage
Husband and wife, posed color photo

There is a long-standing joke in our family about my first husband. It goes something like this, “My first husband never watched football.” This is said on the rare occasion when my guy decides to sit down and watch a college football game. We both laugh because neither of us has been married more than once. Instead, this joke is aimed at all the ways we have changed over the years of being together. We married very young—I was 15 and he was just a week past his 17th birthday. Life was difficult with both of us still in high...

Keep Reading

Thank You for This Sacrificial Love

In: Marriage
Bride and groom, color photo

To lay down one’s life, according to the Bible, is the greatest expression of love. Jesus laid down His life for us by dying on the cross. God loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for humanity. As Jesus laid down his life for us, so Scripture commands husbands to lay down their lives for their wives. It’s a heavy responsibility placed on the husband to die to himself, to his desires, to his flesh, to love and serve his wife. A husband ought to love sacrificially, and that is exactly the man I married....

Keep Reading

I Hope Heaven Looks like 3128 Harper Road

In: Grief, Living, Loss, Marriage
Husband and wife, posed older color photo

Jeannine Ann Eddings Morris grew up in western Kentucky as the oldest daughter of hard-working parents, who both worked at the Merritt Clothing factory. Jeannine was the oldest of 23 grandchildren who proudly belonged to John B. and Celeste Hardeman. John B. was a well-known preacher who traveled all over the South to share the gospel. Life as a child was as humble as one might expect for the 1940s. Jeannine was the oldest of four children, spanning a 13-year age range. To hear her talk, her childhood and teenage memories consisted of mostly reading every book she could find...

Keep Reading

Overcoming Conflict Builds a Marriage that Lasts

In: Marriage
Couple sitting together on couch, color photo

I would never have admitted to being afraid of conflict back then. Not in my marriage anyway. I’d read all the books about how marriage is hard work and conflict is normal and I knew we were definitely the exception. But then at some point that first year, I realized two things: we were not the world’s most exceptional couple after all, and I was, indeed, afraid of conflict.  If we argued, even after I’d apologized a million times, I was very afraid I had failed. Like I had torn a little piece off our marriage that couldn’t ever go back. So...

Keep Reading