How do you know when you’re ready for marriage? Is it based on age, financial stability, or when one is ready to be selfless? A new study came out that says adulthood doesn’t begin at 18 or 21. It starts at 30. Thirty! And I couldn’t agree more. 

I was 24 when we got married, my husband, Jason, was 25. It was our first time moving away from home and during our first month of marriage, we totally forgot to pay our rent for our apartment. We were living more like college kids with newfound freedom than a set of responsible Mr & Mrs. Our version of love and romance was mostly based on our favorite shows where conflict was usually resolved in the one-hour timeslot. We said our I Dos but didn’t have any clue really what this lifetime commitment had in store. So now, when newlyweds ask me for any advice, here are the top three things I share.

1. It’s not  a 50/50 deal.

“Marriage is a compromise,” they say. “It’s all about meeting halfway.” Not. Halfway is 50/50, which means you do just half of your part in the relationship. The minute you start thinking like this, you and your spouse end up doing “just enough” for the other. It’s more about 80/20 or 70/30—you being the higher number. So when we started to think of doing more for the other, the other naturally reciprocates that type of selfless acts. It’s helped me to think of what more can I do for him, than keeping a list of what he hasn’t done for me. Such a game changer. I can’t change him, but I can surely change me.

2. “In sickness and in health,” isn’t just about the typical cold and flu.

Getting married in our mid-20s, I thought that line “in sickness and in health” meant as we were getting old and gray. In our case, it was more like the age of 27. After experiencing the sudden miscarriage of our first pregnancy of identical twin boys at five months in the womb, my body was in shock and my heart numb with grief. About nine months later, we would receive another curveball. It’s never a good sign when your doctor says “I hope you have good insurance because it’s going to be a long road ahead.” Sitting in his cardiologist’s office, Jason was told he had cardiomyopathy, an enlarged heart. Jason was 28, a basketball player, a non-smoker, a non-drinker, with no previous history of heart disease in his family. “In sickness and in health,” I whispered to myself as I sat there, now six months pregnant on our second pregnancy. The next eight years was a long road indeed filled with constant prayers. It meant dozens of hospital stays, tons of medical procedures, and near-death moments which later resulted in a heart transplant, all the while raising two young kids. On some days it felt like we were on a nauseating rollercoaster ride that had no end.

Then just when we thought the ride had stabilized, another drop. About three years ago, Jason’s kidney began to fail. And as God’s grace would have it, we had the same blood type and I was his match. In October 2016, we were literally joined as one. I gave him a life-saving gift: my left kidney. The doctor said I had man-sized kidneys for a petite woman, which was perfect for Jason’s body. Coincidence or God’s design? God is indeed the best matchmaker. Chronic or terminal illness can come at any time in a marriage, no matter how young or how healthy you may be today. And that line in “in sickness and in health” is no joke and will test you like you wouldn’t believe but will also deepen your faith and trust in God like no other.

3. Our love for one another is not enough.

The Bible says the heart is deceitful. Emotions can fluctuate and change the same way the wind can suddenly change course. So if a marriage is simply focused on loving one another and pleasing one another, what happens when your spouse hurts or disappoints you? Jason and I eventually learned that our love for one another is not enough. It’s our constant love for God that saved our marriage. On many occasions when you’re so tempted to do what your heart wants to do out of hurt or disappointment, our love for God is what made us stop and think before making permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. “What will God think of me if I do this or that?” In all situations, it was our reverence and love for Him that kept us in line with His design for marriage. We know that as long as we please Him first, His blessing for our marriage is what will deliver and sustain us, teaching us how to dance in the rain, no matter what.

We celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary a few months ago. Our marriage still has challenges but our prayers are deeper and the rock we’re standing on, stronger. Marriage is hard, but so is life. We don’t get to choose how God will test us; our only choice is how we will react. So many couples try to do it all on their own, relying only on each other to complete them or to sustain them. We wouldn’t be here two decades later if that was our formula.

It takes three to make any marriage work—God must be the constant. His boundless capacity to get us through hard times is what has saved us.

These profound life lessons are what I will pass on to my kids when it’s their time to get married. And before they say “I do” I will remind them to turn the lights off, turn the TV off and to remember to pay their rent.

Marriage takes work. Thankfully, there’s an app that can help! Lasting—the nation’s #1 relationship counseling app—provides accessible sessions designed to help you build a healthy marriage. Download and take Lasting’s free Relationship Health Assessment.

You may also like:

Marriage is Worth the Hard Parts

To My Husband: Thank You For Being A Great Man

9 Truths Newlyweds Should Know About Marriage

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Aliw Garcia Pablo

Aliw is a wife and mother of two teens. She is a kidney donor to her husband, Jason.  She is a  Supervising Producer at incmedia.org and has dedicated her life in telling meaningful stories on how God works in our lives.

We Built a Rock-Solid Foundation in Our Little Home

In: Living, Marriage
Couple on front porch

I found my brand-new husband, sitting on the floor of the only bedroom in our brand-new house. His back propped against the wall, muscular legs extending from his khaki shorts, bare feet overlapping at the ankles. His arms were crossed in a gesture of defiance and there was an unfamiliar, challenging scowl on his face. Plopping down beside him on the scratchy harvest gold carpeting, I asked, “What’s wrong?” “This is it?” he mumbled. “This is what we used our savings for?” I stood up, tugging on his bent elbows in a vain attempt to get him to his feet....

Keep Reading

To the Woman Navigating Divorce: You Will Get Through This

In: Living, Marriage, Motherhood
Woman with eyes closed standing outside, profile shot

On May 4th, 2023 I was delivered devastating news. My husband no longer loved me, and he wanted to end our marriage. This was the last thing I expected. I tried to get him to work things out, but he was firm on the decision that we were done. My heart broke for my children and what I thought I wanted for my life. As it turns out though, this separation and soon-to-be divorce is probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. It has given me a new appreciation for myself, brought me closer to...

Keep Reading

We Got Married Young and We Don’t Regret It

In: Marriage
Bride and groom in church, color photo

In a world that tells you divorce is inevitable if you get married young, I did the unthinkable: I got married at 22 . . . straight out of college. We had no money and lived off love for the first couple of years in a cheap apartment in the worst part of the city. Black specks came out of our water pipes sometimes. Occasionally we had to take back roads to get to our apartment because police had the nearby roads blocked off for searches. Regardless, we were happy. RELATED: We Married Young and I Don’t Regret it For...

Keep Reading

But God, I Can’t Forgive That

In: Faith, Marriage
Woman holding arms and walking by water

Surrender is scary. Giving in feels like defeat. Even when I know it’s the right thing, yielding everything to God is scary. It also feels impossible. The weight of all I’m thinking and feeling is just so dang big and ugly. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I cling so tightly to my fear I don’t even recognize it for what it is. Bondage. Oppression. Lack of trust. Oh, and then there’s that other thing—pride. Pride keeps me from seeing straight, and it twists all of my perceptions. It makes asking for help so difficult that I forget that...

Keep Reading

My Husband Doesn’t Change Dirty Diapers

In: Marriage
Father holding baby

My husband doesn’t change dirty diapers. He hates it. The mere thought of a dirty diaper makes him gag. He will drive almost any bargain to get out of changing a diaper filled with anything stinky. In fact, there are a few things my husband doesn’t do that fall solely on me. If I sat down (okay, sort of like I am right now), I could compile an entire list of things my husband doesn’t do for our family. I could write about everything I do better than him and everything I know more about. But that wouldn’t be fair....

Keep Reading

You Came between Us

In: Marriage, Motherhood
Toddler between mom and dad under sheet

Right in the middle of our deepest love, you came—just between us. A silent, unseen surprise. A mysterious miracle of incarnated love and joy. From that sacred moment that we couldn’t imagine being any sweeter, came you. Sometime in the middle of all the daily goodbye hugs, my stomach began to grow and you came between us. This beautiful bundle of life blossoming right inside of me. And we were in awe of every single tiny formation of you. In awe of who you were, excited by who you’d be, in awe that you were ours. You came between us...

Keep Reading

To My Wife: I See Your Sacrifice

In: Marriage, Motherhood
Family of 3 sitting on floor together at home

Selfless. No other word more clearly depicts your commitment to your family. Motherhood is drastically different than you dreamed of your whole life—the dreams of what sort of mama you would be, of how much you would enjoy being a mother even on the tough days. Since day one of our relationship, you’ve been selfless. Since day one of being a mama, you’ve been selfless. Your love for your family shines through on the brightest and darkest days. But on the dark days, it shines the brightest. I can’t count the hours of sleep sacrificed, the tears cried, the time...

Keep Reading

If You’re Fighting for Your Marriage Right Now, Keep Going

In: Marriage
Couple embracing with worried look on woman's face

My husband and I just celebrated 20 years of marriage last week. For the first five years of our marriage, we had no kids. We now have six. We have been through multiple moves, job changes, pregnancies, miscarriage, child loss, the death of loved ones, grief, three adoptions, mental illness etc. I see marriage totally differently than I did 20 years ago.  I believe, above everything, it takes two people willing to sacrifice and work hard (maybe one more than the other during different seasons) in order for the marriage to stay afloat. Marriage, if done right, does not puff one up...

Keep Reading

She Left Him on Valentine’s Day

In: Faith, Marriage
Husband kissing wife on cheek, color photo

“Can you believe that?” Those were the dreaded knife-cutting whispers I heard from across the table. I sunk deeper into my chair. My hopes fell as everyone would forever remember that I had left my fiancée on Valentine’s Day. Maybe one day it would just dissipate like the dream wedding I had planned or the canceled plane tickets for the Hawaiian honeymoon. Some bridesmaids and guests had already booked plane tickets. It was my own nightmare that kept replaying in my head over and over again. I had messed up. Big time. To be honest, if it made any difference,...

Keep Reading

“I Can’t Do This Anymore,” He Said—Then Everything Changed

In: Living, Marriage
Woman with head in hands

The questions are very much valid. Did I know when I married him? Did I know when we struggled with infertility and trying to become parents? Did I know when we unexpectedly became pregnant with our second child? When did you know your husband was an alcoholic? The answer is simple yet so complex, I pretty much knew from the first year, yet I was in complete denial. When I met him, he was just my type—a bad boy with a bad reputation, yet so cute! On our third date or so, I saw how much he could drink and how...

Keep Reading