Before having kids, I thought I had a glimpse of what the hardest parts of parenthood would be. I had babysat throughout my teen years. I already had a few nieces and nephews. I had changed diapers, dealt with tantrums, cleaned up spills, and had food chucked at me from an angry toddler. 

I’m going to be tired, I told myself. My body may never be the same. How will I manage my career and motherhood? That’s going to be hard, I said. Will we struggle financially? Will my child be healthy? Will I never not worry?

I thought I knew all the things I had to think about, worry about, plan for, anticipate.

But one piece I was drastically unprepared for was how becoming a mom would affect my marriage.

Before having kids, my husband confided in me that he was scared. He was scared about the change—it had been just him and me for so long (nearly 10 years). He was scared that I’d forget about him.

Of course, I told him he was crazy. We’d join forces and parent together! We’d be a team! United front! I’d never forget about him as I knew he’d be by my side every step of the way.

And then the baby came, and he was right. Except in some ways, he sort of forgot about me too. We both very quickly got lost in the swirl of babies and toddlers. Every year or two, another baby arrived, when the next oldest was still a baby himself.

It was a foggy few years in there where I can honesty admit that I did forget my husband. I fell deeper and deeper in the motherhood role as more babies came and toddlers started potty-training and year after year passed of me playing blocks and watching Thomas the Train and breastfeeding day and night. And he fell deeper and deeper into his career, probably for something to hold on to since I was pretty unreachable, but probably also because of the pressure to support our growing family. 

We’ve talked about those years, those years of disconnect. Those years of me not wanting to snuggle him after bedtime because OH MY GOSH was I touched-out. Those years of me fighting depression because motherhood was 8-million times harder and lonelier and more exhausting that I’d thought it would be.

We can talk about them now, frankly, with honesty, because we made it. We came out the other side of that fog. We’re both still here. We still love each other. We still have a lot of years together. And for that, we are grateful beyond measure. 

But to be honest, we really had to find each other again. And it took almost losing each other entirely to realize we had better stick out a hand and grab ahold to this thing called marriage. Thankfully, we did it just in time. Thankfully, as we’d almost given each other up for lost, we both looked back and saw the other one standing there—becoming more and more distant, but still there. And we called out to each other. We realized that we did miss each other’s presence. We did miss each other’s touch. We missed laughing together, dreaming together, planning more than just the week’s dinner schedule and handing babies back and forth. We missed talking about dream trips to Alaska and Italy and renovations we may never do like our kitchen and a cool bar in our basement. 

In that moment of seeing each other slip away, we saved ourselves and our marriage —just in the nick of time. 

Here’s how.

Once I emerged from the baby and toddler fog a bit and started sending my kids to preschool, sleeping through the night, and feeling like I could breathe again as they played independently more and were attached to me less, I had time and strength to give more to our relationship. 

With a little push, I found myself able to leave them more often with babysitters. It felt good to get dressed up and go out for dinner. We even stole away for a long weekend now and then. 

Our kids are old enough now to play on their own, so now we can sneak off for a few minutes of alone time. With several kids in the house, that may not mean a full-on romp, but it could mean a few long kisses. It could mean an uninterrupted hug and a real conversation. (And, it actually has meant a quickie on rare occasion.)

We sneak in lunch dates now. We sit next to each other for family movie night, instead of on separate couches. Yeah, it may not be the most romantic thing to snuggle up watching Paddington, but as parents, we take what we can get. Our kids see us prioritize ourselves, together, holding hands, and they fit themselves on the couch around us accordingly.

And we started therapy. We learned about our own needs (I didn’t even know what mine were!) and about the other person’s needs and how to prioritize them. We learned what we need to do to ensure we continue walking through life together, on the same path, so that never again will we find each other so far in the distance, almost lost forever. 

The thing that I realized, just as we were both about to slip away, is that I really do love my husband. He is my best friend and the person I want to go gray with. I want to bring our kids to college together and take a “60 and older cruise” someday and downsize to a condo together after the kids are grown so we can travel the world and visit our grand-babies wherever they end up. 

I can’t beat myself up for those lost years, as I was in survival mode. SAHM life kicked my rear harder than I could have foreseen. Do I wish I had sat with him on the couch after the kids were in bed more often? Of course. Do I wish I had dragged myself into the shower and gone out for dinner, even for just an hour, once in a while? Yes.

But I can’t change the past. Neither can he. 

All we can do is take one step forward each day, from here on out. Last night we played a board game with our kids, then worked on a house project together after they were all asleep. Other nights we sit next to each other and read or watch old re-runs of The Office. We go on dates and take trips and laugh and dream again. 

Do we still need our space and separate couches now and then? Sure do.

More often, however, we end up together, physically, and connected emotionally. Because the thing is, we actually still like each other. A lot. And that’s a wonderful thing to realize after nearly 20 years of marriage.

You may also like:

The Simple Words That Saved My Marriage

The Sex Talk That Saved Our Marriage

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Her View From Home

Millions of mothers connected by love, friendship, family and faith. Join our growing community. 1,000+ writers strong. We pay too!   Find more information on how you can become a writer on Her View From Home at https://herviewfromhome.com/contact-us/write-for-her//

This Time In the Passenger Seat is Precious

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen
Teen driver with parent in passenger seat

When you’re parenting preteens and teens, it sometimes feels like you are an unpaid Uber driver. It can be a thankless job. During busy seasons, I spend 80 percent of my evenings driving, parking, dropping off, picking up, sitting in traffic, running errands, waiting in drive-thru lines. I say things like buckle your seat belt, turn that music down a little bit, take your trash inside, stop yelling—we are in the car, keep your hands to yourself, don’t make me turn this car around, get your feet off the back of the seat, this car is not a trash can,...

Keep Reading

So God Made My Daughter a Wrestler

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young female wrestler wearing mouth guard and wrestling singlet

God made my girl a wrestler. Gosh, those are words I would never have thought I would say or be so insanely proud to share with you. But I am. I know with 100 percent certainty and overwhelming pride that God made my girl a wrestler. But it’s been a journey. Probably one that started in the spring of 2010 when I was pregnant with my first baby and having the 20-week anatomy ultrasound. I remember hearing the word “girl” and squealing. I was over the moon excited—all I could think about were hair bows and cute outfits. And so...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

You May Be a Big Brother, but You’ll Always Be My Baby

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother with young son, color photo

It seems like yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. Back then, we were new parents, clueless but full of love—a love that words can hardly explain. I can vividly recall holding you in my arms, rocking you in the cutest nursery, and singing sweet lullabies, just like yesterday. I can picture those times when you were teeny-tiny, doing tummy time, and how proud I was of you for lifting your head. And oh, the happiness on your face when “Baby Shark” played over and over—that song always made you smile! We made sure to capture your growth...

Keep Reading

“It Looks and Tastes Like Candy.” Mom Shares Warning about THC Gummies All Parents Need to Hear

In: Kids, Living, Teen
Hand holding bottle of THC gummies

What Aimee Larsen first thought was a stomach bug turned out to be something much more terrifying for her young son. Her 9-year-old woke up one day last week seeming “lethargic, barely able to stand or speak,” his mom shared in a Facebook post. At first, she assumed he had a virus, but something about his behavior just didn’t seem right. She called an ambulance and asked her older sons if their brother might have gotten into something, like cough syrup or another over-the-counter medicine. Their answer? “Yeah, THC gummies.” THC gummies are an edible form of cannabis that contain...

Keep Reading

My Child with Special Needs Made His Own Way in His Own Time

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother holding child's hand walking across street

I want to tell you the story of a little boy who came to live with me when he was three years old. Some of you may find this story familiar in your own life. Your little boy or girl may have grown inside you and shares your DNA or maybe they came into your life much older than three. This little boy, this special child, my precious gift has special needs. Just five short years ago, he was a bit mean and angry, he said few understandable words, and there was a lot about this world he didn’t understand. Unless...

Keep Reading

Dear Daughter as You Grow into Yourself

In: Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Girl in hat and dress-up clothes, color photo

My daughter, I watched you stand in front of the mirror, turning your body left and right. Your skirt was too big and your top on backward. Your bright blue eyeshadow reached your eyebrows and bold red blush went up to your ears. You didn’t care. I watched you marvel at your body, feeling completely at ease in your skin. You turned and admired yourself with pride. You don’t see imperfections. You don’t see things you are lacking. You see goodness. You see strength. RELATED: Daughter, When You Look in the Mirror, This is What I Hope You See I’m...

Keep Reading

Organized Sports Aren’t Everything

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young girl with Alpaca, color photo

Today I watched my little girl walk an alpaca. His name is Captain. Captain is her favorite. He’s my favorite too. I met his owner on Instagram of all places. She thought I was in college; I thought she was a middle-aged woman. Turns out, she is in high school, and I am a middle-aged woman. This random meeting led to a blessing. We call it “llama lessons.” We take llama lessons every other week. It’s an hour away on the cutest hobby farm. Our “teacher” is Flora, who boards her llamas at the alpaca farm. She wants to teach...

Keep Reading

I Had to Learn to Say “I’m Sorry” to My Kids

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Mom hugs tween daughter

My two oldest kiddos are at the front end of their teen years. I remember that time in my own life. I was loud, somewhat dramatic, I let my hormones control me, and I never—ever—apologized. This last part was because no one ever really taught me the value of apology or relationship repair. Now, I could do some parent blaming here but let’s be real, if you were a kid whose formative years were scattered between the late ’80s and early ’90s, did you get apologies from your parents? If so, count that blessing! Most parents were still living with...

Keep Reading

5 Things Your Child’s Kindergarten Teacher Wants You To Know

In: Kids, Motherhood
Child raising hand in kindergarten class

I am a teacher. I have committed my life to teaching children. Of course, before I began this career, I had visions of standing in front of a group of eager-eyed children and elaborating on history, science, and math lessons. I couldn’t wait to see the “lightbulb” moments when students finally understood a reading passage or wrote their first paper. And then I had my first day. Children are not cut out of a textbook (shocking, I know) but as a young 23-year-old, it knocked me right off my feet. I was thrown into the lion’s den, better known as...

Keep Reading