I didn’t have an orgasm for the first three years of my marriage. So sex to me quickly became a chore, just another duty to fulfill as a wife.
It wasn’t until I found out that my husband had been addicted to pornography for the past year when I knew I needed to do something and stop taking such a passive role in my own sex life. And honestly? It still takes real effort for me to not fall back into that passive role.
Let me start from the beginning.
Before marriage my husband and I truly struggled to stay pure, but it was something we both knew we wanted to do. We wanted to keep sex just for marriage, whether that ended up being between us or not. When we were engaged the temptation was even greater and while we struggled greatly and definitely did not stay completely pure (Thank God for His unending Grace) we knew God wanted us to wait and that would be the best decision for our marriage.
Then marriage came. Suddenly it was as if all my desire and cravings for sex before marriage just disappeared. Sex frustrated me. Most of the time I just didn’t want it simply from busyness, exhaustion, or any other excuse I could think of. I still did it whenever my husband wanted it, because that is what a good Christian wife does, right? But no way was I initiating, and I was thankful for the nights my husband wasn’t in the mood. It wasn’t that I hated sex or that I hated to be close to my husband. I did enjoy having sex with him at times, I just wasn’t passionate about it, and I didn’t try to be either. I still loved my husband and I still felt we had a good relationship. We talked about everything, laughed all the time, and loved living life together. But the ‘spark’ had begun to disappear very quickly after we said “I do.”
Soon enough the nights when my husband wasn’t in the mood become more and more and the nights when he initiated became fewer and fewer. At first, I honestly was a bit relieved. But soon my heart began to grow sad and confused. I decided that maybe I needed to step up a bit – be there for him and for once, begin to initiate. So I did. It is when he began to reject me that I finally began to realize we had a problem.
It took me a year. A full year. I was so caught up in my own desires and feelings and wants that I had completely forgotten my husbands, which in turn left me dissatisfied, lonely, and full of sadness. I was selfish. So incredibly selfish that I was blinded to my husband’s needs. His need to be loved and cherished. His need to be wanted.
One night I was visiting a friend for a quick coffee and came home sooner than expected. Our bedroom light was off and my husband was already in bed, with his phone. I thought I would surprise him and run into bed beside him for a little snuggle. That is when I saw what he had been looking at on his phone. He tried to hide it but it was too late.
I was devastated.
We didn’t talk that night and both headed to work early in the morning without saying a word. It was when we got home from work that we first sat down and he confessed to what he had been doing for the past year. My heart was crushed. I felt betrayed and cheated and so desperately alone. He cried. I bawled. The pain and hurt between us felt too great to bare. And so began hours and hours late in the night of frustrated conversation, yelling, then sobbing, then more anger, then silence. In the midst of the searing pain we both felt we did what we only knew we could to overcome the feeling of sadness. We embraced each other and leaned on each other. We came close to each other even though we were the ones who had hurt each other more than we had ever been hurt before. And for the first time in our marriage, we passionately made love.
It was the most pivotal point in our marriage so far. Making true and honest and real love amidst very real pain.
So began my active role as a sex partner for my husband. With time and work came healing between us and with healing became a desire to truly change our marriage for the better. I came to truly understand and acknowledge the importance of taking a very active role in my sex life. And while it did not happen instantaneously, I gradually began to truly enjoy sex. So began my orgasms and the best sex that I could ever have with the man whom my love had grown stronger than I could have ever imagined.
Sex is still not easy for me. Especially now, with two little ones, no sleep, and constant busyness, I often would much prefer to sit with a cup of tea and a good book or head straight to bed than take the energy to get dirty with my husband. It takes serious effort. But marriage is not meant to be easy and filled with passivity. It is meant for us to continually work at in every aspect, including (if not, especially) sex.
Orgasms are incredible, for more reasons than one. Obviously they are incredible for myself. But they are also so important for the entirety of my marriage. My orgasms are so important for my husband. They show my pleasure for my husband and only him. They show my desire and love and enjoyment to be with him and only him. They bring back the spark and the passion that we so need in our marriage.
As women in Christ, as wives in Christ, we need to talk about this more. We need to be open about sex in our marriages so as to encourage each other and other young women as they embark on beginning life with their husbands. We need to share our stories again and again so that ourselves along with other women will be encouraged and realize the joy that can be found in a marriage full of passionate love.