I notice the lump in my throat getting bigger and I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
It seems as though the walls are caving in and I can’t find my way out.
It’s hard to breathe and I can feel my face start to flush.
Anxiety has a way of stopping me dead in my tracks.
Sometimes it creeps up slowly and I feel the internal struggle and the intense emotions it causes.
Fighting back the tears as my two young sons stare at me wide-eyed wondering if I’m OK.
And then there are days where it hits fast and with unbearable force.
The weight takes my breath away and I find myself running to the bathroom to catch my breath and splash cold water over my face.
These moments are getting more frequent and more intense as the days go by.
It’s hard to take care of yourself when you’re always taking care of everyone else.
And I’m struggling to find the balance between keeping it all together without falling apart and realizing when I need a break.
I’m really good at the “I’m OK” act and have been doing it for years.
Truth is my friends, anxiety is real.
It can be debilitating and life alternating if not controlled.
I am working hard to gain that control back.
I know this rollercoaster all too well and I will continue to fight for better days ahead.
Days with less anxiety and fear.
Days with less panic attacks and more time enjoying things I love.
Days with less tears and more laughter and smiles.
Days filled with more time enjoying the little moments and less time worrying about things that are out of my control.
Life is too short to live with so much weight on our shoulders all the time.
Tonight, I’m throwing in the towel.
I’m praying and asking God to help me carry this weight.
And to give me the strength I need to take care of myself too.
This post originally appeared on Love Hope & Autism