There’s an enemy in my house.

In fact, I hear he’s showing up at all the houses and making himself comfortable. 

Seems he’s decided to shelter in place.

He does his best to wreak havoc. He exploits all my faults and shines a spotlight mercilessly on my personal struggles. He pokes holes in my life raftthe only thing that’s keeping me afloat.

He tricks me with his lies and makes me doubt myself and my worth.

He choreographs a story in which I’m a mess of a mama and an inadequate wife. 

RELATED: Dear Hot Mess Mom: To Me You Are Perfect

He makes me bitter and resentful. He undermines all my efforts to find joy and see goodness. He points out hatred and anger in the world anywhere he sees a lack of love or compassion. He steals my precious moments and demands I focus on fears. 

He’s loud, and he’s persistent. He’s a terrible houseguest, actually.

But it feels like I invited him in . . .  

Because it’s almost comforting when he drops by, like an old friend’s here to visit. 

We’ve known each other for a long time. He knows just how to manipulate me. 

He makes me feel like I’m losing my resolve. He tells me I’ve let go of my will to fight. He leads me to believe he’s winning.

But . . .

I keep hearing soft and subtle whispers

The enemy screams and shouts and tries to drown them out, but that only makes me want to lean in toward those sweet murmurs and listen harder.

The whispers sound like a gently rushing waterfall. 

They sound like all the most spectacular music, married together to create an amalgamated harmony like nothing I’ve ever heard before. 

They tell me, compassionately, that they understand my fears. They feel all my pain. 

They tell me, gently, not to worry if I can help it. I’m only one person, and so many things are out of my control. 

RELATED: Jesus is Here

They tell me not to believe the lies. 

They tell me I have a lot of fight left in me. 

They affirm that, yes, the enemy will always come knocking even when all of this is over.

Sometimes he’ll try to force his way in. Other times, I’ll open the door gladly.

And as long as I’m human, the enemy will continue to win some little battles. 

But that’s OK because even when I’m caught up in his influence, I am not the enemy.

And I have love on my side. 

The whispers tell me I’m so much more than my mistakes and my fears. 

Sometimes I yell, but I’m still kind and good. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m sinking. But I don’t need a new life raft. I just want to patch up the tears in this one. 

Sometimes I see a cruel and evil world, but that’s not the way it was made. That’s not the way we were made.

And, try as he might, the enemy will always fail to hide the beauty, the love, and the empathy. 

Sometimes I’m overcome with anxiety. But it’s OK to let myself breathe. It’s OK to be present in these momentsto feel what I’m feeling. It’s OK to step away when I’m frustrated, when I’m angry, when I’m scared. It’s OK to think about tomorrow when it gets here. And it’s really OK to give it all to Jesus.

RELATED: To the One Losing Sleep at Night: God Sits Beside You

And sometimes it feels like maybe there aren’t any good answers to my questions. Maybe it’s futile to demand verdicts and resolutions no one can give yet. Still, the enemy spends a lot of time creating the illusion that it’s all falling in on methat the house will crumble, piece by piece, until someone has the answers. 

But, you want to know something? 

I don’t think he’s looked very closely at the foundation. 

It was built on a rock.

And its mighty builder is love itself.

I want to cling to Him and listen to His whispers. 

He reminds me that some of the answers are not mine to take on this side of the life divide. But I want to cling to that sweet voice anyway. 

RELATED: Is Satan Stealing Your Motherhood?

Even if our problems never miraculously disappear, there’s nothing more beautiful in life than being cradled by love. I want to hold tighter to that tenderness. 

And I want to tell the enemy he can go straight back to where he came from. 

He’s not welcome in my house anymore. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Cassie Gottula Shaw

I'm Cassie, and I'm a writer, mama, Jesus enthusiast, cliche coffee drinker, and lover of all the stories. I believe in the power of faith and empathy, radical inclusivity, and the magic and beauty of ordinary days. I'm inspired every day by the firm belief that we owe something to each otherlove and human connection. When I'm not writing, you can find me running from dinosaurs, building castles, pursuing joy, or watching the sun rise over the fields of Nebraska (coffee in hand) where my husband and I are raising two spectacular children. For more stories, visit my Facebook page, From the House on a Hill with Cassie Gottula Shaw; Instagram, Cassie Gottula Shaw; and the blog, fromthehouseonahill.com

Your Kids Don’t Need More Things, They Need More You

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young girl smiling together at home

He reached for my hand and then looked up. His sweet smile and lingering gaze flooded my weary heart with much-needed peace. “Thank you for taking me to the library, Mommy! It’s like we’re on a date! I like it when it’s just the two of us.” We entered the library, hand in hand, and headed toward the LEGO table. As I began gathering books nearby, I was surprised to feel my son’s arms around me. He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss with an “I love you, Mommy” before returning to his LEGO—three separate times. My typically...

Keep Reading

Mom, Will You Pray With Me?

In: Faith, Motherhood
Little girl praying, profile shot

“Will you pray with me?” This is a question I hear daily from my 9-year-old. Her worried heart at times grips her, making it difficult for her to fall asleep or nervous to try something new. Her first instinct is to pray with Mom. Perhaps this is because of how many times her Dad and I have told her that God is with her, that she is never alone, and that she can always come to Him in prayer and He will answer. Perhaps it is because she has seen her Dad and I lean on the Lord in times...

Keep Reading

My Aunt Is the Woman I Want to Become

In: Faith, Living
Woman with older woman smiling

It’s something she may not hear enough, but my aunt is truly amazing. Anyone who knows her recognizes her as one-of-a-kind in the best way possible. It’s not just her playful jokes that bring a smile to my face, her soul is genuinely the sweetest I know. I hope she knows that I see her, appreciate her, and acknowledge all the effort she puts in every day, wholeheartedly giving of herself to everyone around her. When I look back on my childhood, I see my aunt as a really important part of it. We have shared so much time together,...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

Motherhood Never Stops, and Neither Does My God

In: Faith, Motherhood
Daughter kisses mother on cheek

I’m standing in the shower rinsing the conditioner out of my hair with a toddler babbling at my feet, running through this week’s dinner menu in my head. “Hmm, this meal would be better suited for this day, so what should we do instead?” or “Maybe we should save that for next week since it’s easy and we will be busy with baseball starting back up. I can work something in that may take more effort in its place.” Being a wife and mother, running a household, it’s about the small moments like this. There’s something about it that is...

Keep Reading

So God Made a Sunday School Teacher

In: Faith, Living
Woman sitting at table surrounded by kids in Sunday school class, color photo

God looked around at all He had created, and He knew He would need someone to teach His children. So God made a Sunday school teacher. God knew He needed someone with a heart and desire to teach children God’s word. God knew the children would act up and made Sunday school teachers with patience and grace to guide them when they step out of line in class. He also made Sunday school teachers with a touch of discretion to know when the stories of a child may be real or imagined. God knew this person would need to be...

Keep Reading

But God, I Can’t Forgive That

In: Faith, Marriage
Woman holding arms and walking by water

Surrender is scary. Giving in feels like defeat. Even when I know it’s the right thing, yielding everything to God is scary. It also feels impossible. The weight of all I’m thinking and feeling is just so dang big and ugly. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I cling so tightly to my fear I don’t even recognize it for what it is. Bondage. Oppression. Lack of trust. Oh, and then there’s that other thing—pride. Pride keeps me from seeing straight, and it twists all of my perceptions. It makes asking for help so difficult that I forget that...

Keep Reading

Dear Dad, I Pray for Our Healing

In: Faith, Grief, Grown Children
Back shot of woman on bench alone

You are on my mind today. But that’s not unusual. It’s crazy how after 13 years, it doesn’t feel that long since I last saw you. It’s also crazy that I spend far less time thinking about that final day and how awful it was and spend the majority of the time replaying the good memories from all the years before it. But even in the comfort of remembering, I know I made the right decision. Even now, 13 years later, the mix of happy times with the most confusing and painful moments leaves me grasping for answers I have...

Keep Reading

God Redeemed the Broken Parts of My Infertility Story

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Two young children walking on a path near a pond, color photo

It was a Wednesday morning when I sat around a table with a group of mamas I had just recently met. My youngest daughter slept her morning nap in a carrier across my chest. Those of us in the group who held floppy babies swayed back and forth. The others had children in childcare or enrolled in preschool down the road. We were there to chat, learn, grow, and laugh. We were all mamas. But we were not all the same. I didn’t know one of the mom’s names, but I knew I wanted to get to know her because she...

Keep Reading

God Has You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman hugging herself while looking to the side

Holding tight to the cold, sterile rail of the narrow, rollaway ER bed, I hovered helplessly over my oldest daughter. My anxious eyes bounced from her now steadying breaths to the varying lines and tones of the monitor overhead. Audible reminders of her life that may have just been spared. For 14 years, we’d been told anaphylaxis was possible if she ingested peanuts. But it wasn’t until this recent late autumn evening we would experience the fear and frenzy of our apparent new reality. My frantic heart hadn’t stopped racing from the very moment she struggled to catch a breath....

Keep Reading