Order Soon for Christmas Delivery!🎄 ➔

Mama.

The whispered voice is heard coming from my open bedroom door. My seven year old walks over to me, sweating and pale.

Mama. I just threw up. 

I push the warm covers off and sit up, wrapping my arms around him. I get him cleaned up and settled back into my bed.

I am sorry, Mama. My tummy hurts, Mama. 

I hush him and soothe him. Pulling the warm covers over his shaking body.

Then I turn and sigh. Now time to clean up the mess. And a mess it was. One I had to clean up two more times hours later.

When we all wake up, I face the day. Laundry. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. I have no sick kid food in my house. I promised my 4-year-old pumpkin painting today. Thank you cards to finish. Preparations for the week. Fun Run pledges to acquire.

RELATED: Being a Single Mom is Completely Exhausting

I drink my second cup of coffee while switching my third load of clothes. I mentally go over the week in my head and I am exhausted. Spelling words. Dentist appointments. Therapy appointment. A concert I scheduled months ago. Another busy work week. Baths. Daily commute. Trying to balance it all.

Alone.

Motherhood can be a lonely place. I remember in my early days staying home with a newborn, how lonely I was. Yet, I always had my person. Who walked in the door at night, taking some of the burden off my shoulders. When I became overwhelmed and overemotional, I could call him and just unload it, knowing he would listen and support me.

But it wasn’t just the hard. The silly, fun, and enjoyable parts connected us. We would laugh and look at each other with that proud, amazed love only a parent has for their child.

It is lonely as a single mother. Lonelier than I ever imagined.

The boys’ dad and I still share stories or cute pictures with each other. But it isn’t the same. There is grief present. A sadness of what each of us is missing. One that was chosen and one that was forced. No longer is support given. More avoidance of any conflicts or problems that are present. The connection that once was is long gone.

RELATED: To the Newly Single Mama

There is no one coming in the door at night. No one getting up with me to clean up the sickness. No one joining in on the spontaneous dance parties or Nerf gun fights. No one standing next to me when an epic meltdown brings all of us to tears. No one sharing the responsibility of bills, appointments, and school homework. No one to tell me to go lay down and take a nap. No one worrying with me that we are screwing up as parents. Wondering if the love present will be enough.

When it all becomes too much, I have my family. My friends. However, I worry I am a burden. They give me and my boys so much love and support. I will never be able to show them how truly grateful I am.

But when the rough days turn into rough nights making it to bedtime is a struggle. I stare at my sleeping sons and I am overcome with love. I whisper to God a thank you. I brush back their hair and kiss their soft cheeks. Holding this moment into my heart. I am exhausted. So much that I can’t even let the tears out. Spent. Done. Sad. Knowing I wake up in a few short hours to do it all over again.

I still have moments of resentment. Knowing I didn’t want this life and would have done anything to save the marriage and family life we had.

Accepting single motherhood is an ongoing process.

I am not the only single mom. I am not the only woman who never imagined her life as this. I am not the only single mom who struggles daily with the staggering, soul-crushing weight of responsibility. Juggling adulthood, motherhood, dating, healing, working, finances, living, thriving. Alone.

It is a lonely place, single motherhood. One that attempts to drown me. One that pushes me to keep going.

One that forces me to find strength I never knew existed.

This post originally appeared on the author’s blog

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Katie Weber

Me. My two little men. My second change. Motherhood. Depression. Divorce. Love. God. laugher. Friendship. My lovely. It's all right here. Follow along for more at Lovely in the Dark. 

Moms Are the Real Christmas MVPs

In: Motherhood
Mom and little girl looking at Christmas tree

Browsing through shelves of holiday books in the children’s section of the library, I am reminded of the CD my mom checked out from the library every holiday season. It was the Alvin and The Chipmunks version of all the classic Christmas songs. We would listen to that CD in the car all season long. Alvin and his buddies, Theodore and Simon, would belt out the Christmas classics we all know and love, but in their squeaky little chipmunk voices. It became a favorite tradition for my sister and me. Since this isn’t the ’90s and cars nowadays don’t have...

Keep Reading

What I Know For Sure About Having a Tween

In: Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Tween close up of braces on teeth

They all say it’s coming. I have an inkling it might be true. Yet I’m holding on–I’m believing the same things that worked when you were a little girl, will work during the tween years too.  Some of my methods might need tweaking, but the principles are the same. When you’re upset, you’ll still want to be held. It just might take you a little longer to realize it. When your feelings are hurt, you’ll still want to be heard. I might not have as many answers, but I can still offer my listening ears. RELATED: The Secret to Parenting...

Keep Reading

Don’t Fear the Gap

In: Baby, Kids, Motherhood
Baby lying on mother's chest, black-and-white photo

I was afraid of the gap. You know, the one where you have some kids and then wait several years to have another? That gap. When we moved here, we kept all the baby things because we weren’t ready to say we were done but weren’t ready to start over. Moving to the farm brought wayyy more chores than our neighborhood home and adding a tiny human to that mix felt a bit crazy. RELATED: I’ll Always Want Another Baby There were months of back and forth . . . talk of barefoot baby feet stomping all over this place...

Keep Reading

The Magic of Having Kids Who Still Believe in Santa Is Worth the Christmas Chaos

In: Motherhood
Kids looking at Elf on the Shelf toy

Our elves showed up sometime in the night between Thanksgiving and Black Friday, just as they have every year for the last seven.  All three of our kids had been excited for their arrival, but we noticed our oldest was especially eager this year.  “Our elves come this month!” he announced on November 1, eyes twinkling with anticipation. He counted down nearly every night after, and once they finally showed up we found him in the corner talking to them several times throughout the day.  “How was the trip from the North Pole?” “Man, I’ve sure missed you guys.” “What...

Keep Reading

It’s Exhausting Being a Teacher and a Mom in the Month of December

In: Living, Motherhood
Mom and two kids smiling by Christmas tree

I absolutely love Christmas. In fact, I start listening to Christmas music right after Halloween. I’m always itching to put decorations up as soon as my other family members are willing. I love the magic of the season, the giving and the meaning behind all of it. By the time November begins, I’m ready to take on the holidays in full force as both a teacher and a mom. If I’m being honest though, Christmas as a teacher mama is both magical and downright exhausting. There are parties for both my own children and my students. There are gifts to...

Keep Reading

Being a Working Mom When Kids Get Sick Is Complicated

In: Living, Motherhood
Mom holding baby on couch

I didn’t know what my ringtone sounded like until I went back to work after maternity leave. “You know it’s always on silent,” I would say every time I missed a call from my husband. “What’s the point of having a phone if you never answer your calls?” “Who calls these days? Text me like a normal person!” It was a circular conversation, lighthearted, and not intended to bring about change. He will always prefer to call, and I will always prefer to keep my ringer off. But when I got my first early pickup text from my daycare provider...

Keep Reading

Dear Daughter, If Something Feels Off, It Probably Is—Trust Your Intuition

In: Kids, Living, Motherhood
Mother and daughter black and white photo

A few weeks ago, my 7-year-old daughter was playing at a friend’s house when she messaged me on her game tablet to come pick her up. I didn’t ask why I just went to get her. I asked her once she was home how it was, and she told me she had a weird feeling and she was just “trusting her guts,” which I loved hearing her say. Apparently, her friend had a bunch of extended family show up at the house that we were unaware of. She is extremely outgoing, friendly, and confident so she thought nothing of listening...

Keep Reading

What Single Moms Really Need

In: Faith, Living, Motherhood
Mom holding toddler on hip outside on dirt road

No, you’re not a single mom for a weekend. I’ve heard it said at social gatherings, in passing at church, and on social media. Perhaps the words are being uttered in a state of awe as if comparing themselves to valiant warrior princesses, knights in shining armor, heroes.  Usually though, it’s an under-the-breath complaint about being left by their otherwise attentive and loving spouse for the week or weekend. “I’m a single mom this weekend; my husband is on a golfing trip with his brothers.” “My husband is away for work, so I feel like a single mom this week.” ...

Keep Reading

I Love You At Every Stage

In: Kids, Motherhood
Three children at park, color photo

Confession: I love the 1-year-old phase. Our youngest is one and such a joy to be around. He’s still so cuddly, finds such joy in the smallest things, is learning new things every day, and smiles at every little thing his big brother and sister do. I love the 3-year-old phase. Our only girl is three. She has a flair for the dramatic, but she is very forthright with her feelings. “I’m having a hard time.” “I just miss my daddy when he’s at the Fire House.” “I’m a princess.” “God made me beautiful.” She is quick to be a...

Keep Reading

10 Lessons I Hope You Learn Playing Youth Sports

In: Kids, Motherhood
Boy dribbling down basketball court, black-and-white photo

Last night was my sixth grader’s last basketball game of the season. He played with many of the same gang of boyhood friends he has known since kindergarten. This year, however, they were introduced to a traveling team, older players, and much stiffer competition than they had encountered in the past. They stood the test and played their little boy hearts out. I am proud of my son, his team, his coaches, and all the familiar faces we came to know in the Greenwood Laboratory School cheering section each week, sometimes two to three times in one week!  Here’s to...

Keep Reading