Society to stay-at-home moms:

– When you first bring your baby home, make sure to let your husband sleep. Remember, he has to go to work in the morning. It’s really not fair to ask him to get up and help, since this is your full-time job now. Besides, you can sleep when the baby sleeps.

– Breastfeed for at least a year. I mean, what else do you have to do all day? Camping out on the couch, watching Netflix, and cuddling your newborn sounds glorious, actually.

– Do make sure to watch the news and stay current on world events, though. You should be able to speak intelligently on a multitude of topics other than motherhood (sorry, no one wants to hear about what you do every day) on the off chance you’re able to scrape enough together to hire a babysitter and accompany your spouse to a work event or social gathering once a year.

– Since you’re not actually contributing to the household income, you could at least pick up the slack when it comes to cleaning. That means dishwasher filled, run, and emptied, pee smell removed from toilets, toothpaste wiped from sinks, all unidentifiable stains scrubbed from carpets and/or walls each and every day, crumbs swept off the floor, toys picked up and stored in appropriate containers, laundry washed, dried, AND put away. All of this is very manageable if you break it up into small tasks and sing a happy little working song to yourself while the children nap, or after they go to bed before you spend quality time with your husband.

– Have I mentioned you’re still not doing anything to help your family financially? You should strongly consider getting a side hustle. There are so many options to choose from: essential oils, nail art, Tupperware, cleaning supplies, books, makeup, diet programs, juice cleanses . . . the list goes on and on. Just pick one and squeeze in a few hours here and there to message all of your friends and contacts asking them to buy from you. Hopefully you’ll make enough to help with the weekly grocery bill.

– Speaking of which, lunches should be in strict compliance with new “MyPlate” standards; that means plenty of fruits and vegetables, a protein, and a carbohydrate with every meal. Make sure they’re having a glass of milk to get their Vitamin D; they need healthy bones. But not too much dairy. Since you stay at home, you have plenty of time to experiment with cutting food into fun shapes and designs, and there should be lots of variety in the day-to-day menus. Don’t forget sentimental notes in your children’s lunchboxes to make sure they know you love them.

– Since we’re on the subject of food, you should probably look into the Keto diet to get rid of those last 10lbs that have just been chilling on your hips since Baby #3. Although if we’re really honest, it’s more like 20. Maybe 25. Either way, it’s been six months already. What else are you doing? Time to get back on track. Just stop stuffing your face with your child’s leftover grilled cheese over the kitchen sink and you’ll lose the weight in no time.

– Exercise! It’ll help you lose the baby weight, and exercise gives you endorphins! Go to the gym. Most have childcare. Worse comes to worse, just throw them in the jogging stroller and knock out five miles a few times a week. You got this, Mama!

– You know what else is good for you? Sex! Have sex with your husband at least once a week. Preferably more. It’s important to keep the intimacy in a marriage, and sex relieves stress. Hubby really needs some extra love for doing the heavy lifting and being the breadwinner for the family.

Staying at home means there’s absolutely no excuse not to look put together. It doesn’t take much to get up a few minutes earlier than the kids in the morning to grab a shower, apply a fresh coat of makeup, and at least dry your hair. It should go without saying that your kids should look adorable, too. You literally have all day with them, so there’s no reason they shouldn’t be freshly bathed, dressed, and in coordinating outfits when you take them out in public.

– When you take your children out in public, their behavior should be exemplary. If not, you must be doing something wrong. DON’T let them throw tantrums. You should try reading to them more. Don’t let them watch as much TV. Have age-appropriate crafts and activities planned out every day in accordance with a carefully designed curriculum that reflects all the current science and research on child brain development. Make sure they get plenty of time to run around outside and burn off that excess energy. Put them in sports, enroll them in music lessons, make sure they do community service, but FOR GOD’S SAKE DO NOT OVERSCHEDULE THEM. Children need room to explore and become independent.

– Make other SAHM friends and plan play dates. You’re always around, so if someone needs to drop their kid off with you it’s no big deal. You might as well babysit, too, since you’re already changing diapers and giving bottles.

– Make some time for you. Self-care is important. Just as long as it’s not at the expense of your family. You’re not working so you really shouldn’t need much time to de-stress or get away.

– Smile! Remember how lucky you are to stay at home with your kids. You really shouldn’t complain; you have no idea how many women would kill to be in your shoes! This is what you always wanted.

This post originally appeared on Shower Arguments and is a tongue-in-cheek response to this viral post written to working moms

 

You may also like:

My Seven Momtras As A Stay-At-Home Mom

To The Stay-At-Home Mom Without A Schedule

This is Stay-at-Home Motherhood

What Do Stay At Home Moms Do All Day?

Emily Solberg

Emily Solberg is a writer and soon-to-be Mom of two under two based in Washington, DC. When she's not waddling around after her one-year-old, she's binge-watching episodes of The Crown, freelancing, or "playing Army" in her other uniform that doesn't include leggings and a drool-covered hoodie (always a gamble whose drool it is). Find more from her on her Facebook page, ShowerArguments.