So God Made a Teacher Collection (Sale!) ➔

I didn’t expect the moment to happen, but it did. It happened in a big way. 

I was enjoying some alone time after a very hard day of parenting my son with special needs, watching a TV show that is usually a wonderful escape, something that doesn’t resemble my own life in any way. I thought I was safe, thought I was in a world apart from my own, able to relax and not have to think about what all had taken place on the other side of my bedroom door all afternoon.  

Then it happened. 

RELATED: Every Mom Needs a Place to Hide

A scene between two characters, one explaining to the other that the man she was in love with suffered from a very real mental disorder, and no matter how much she loved him, he was never going to get better. No matter how much she loved him, he’d always need his medication. No matter what the intentions were, he would always suffer and struggle, and that meant that she would likely suffer and struggle, too. 

I paused the show and melted into writhing sobs. 

The man they were describing could very well be my son. Some day it may actually be. 

My son has been diagnosed with Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, DMDD for short. It’s usually a place-holder diagnosis until a child turns 18 and can then be diagnosed as bipolar. We don’t know yet if he’ll end up with that diagnosis, but the odds are a pretty clear hint that he will. My mother is bipolar so I’m not without experience, and he’s not without a predisposition towards it. Right now, though, DMDD is the name of the dragon we battle. 

I love my son. I love him so much and so fiercely it makes me ache. I am his greatest advocate. His lack of social skills has made me his best friend. His lack of control has made me his teacher. He is so explosive I am one of the only people left in his circle, one of the only people who love him, invest in him, spend time with him. 

RELATED: Dear Son With Invisible Disabilities, You Are Not Broken

Because I spend almost every moment of the day with him, I get to see the good parts of him, too. I see his humor, his creativity, the twinkle in his blue eyes when he’s planning a prank, or the intensity in his eyes when he’s learning about something interesting. But because I spend so much time with him, I also see him at his worst. I’m the closest when he lashes out, and the last person to walk away from him. I hold him while he sobs, and I hold him when he threatens to hurt.

I am his safe place and his punching bag, his advocate, and his victim. 

I love him more than anyone in the world ever will, and I wonder now . . . will anyone else ever love him at all? 

Will he charm someone with his wit, only to drive them away with his rage? Will he appear tortured enough for sympathy at the beginning of a relationship, only to end up torturing someone else he loves in the end? Will I ever have to sit and explain to someone else on his behalf, No matter how much you love him, it will not fix him?

I want him to find love. I want him to feel the acceptance and excitement that comes from someone being in love with you. I want him to have a love story and a partner. But will he have that? Will anyone love him?

He knows he’s different. He knows what causes the difference and why he reacts the way he does. He knows not to compare himself to everyone else because he’s just never going to be like them, but that doesn’t always soften the blow of difference. Having a diagnosis doesn’t make it easier any more than being on medication guarantees peace. He feels the crushing loneliness. He knows he pushes people away. He is utterly trapped—fully aware of what is happening inside him, but almost powerless to control it. 

RELATED: I’m a Special Needs Mom and I Worry

He’s had crushes on girls. He tells me about who he finds pretty, what traits he’s drawn to.

I know he’s capable of love . . . but will anyone be capable of loving him back?  

I love my son, diagnosis and all. I’ll do the work he needs done and extend him the grace he needs offered for as long as I have breath. I know he’ll always have me. I know he’ll always have God. I know he won’t die unloved, and I know a healed life awaits him in Heaven. But until that time comes, when he grows into a man and is surrounded by people with families, children, friends, and love . . . will he have anyone else to love him?

Her View From Home

Millions of mothers connected by love, friendship, family and faith. Join our growing community. 1,000+ writers strong. We pay too!   Find more information on how you can become a writer on Her View From Home at

Is Anyone Really a Natural When it Comes to Motherhood?

In: Motherhood
Tired mom

Ever since I was little I’ve been drawn to the ideals of motherhood. I would prance around the neighborhood with dolls piled high in my best friend’s stroller. We would set up shop on the lawn with blankets made into makeshift beds and clothes sprawled out everywhere. When I was 12, I took a babysitting course and went around the block knocking on doors and telling the neighbors I was ready for hire. I babysat regularly and was known as a baby whisperer. My life’s goal was to be a mom, and my whole life everyone told me I’d be...

Keep Reading

6 Things the Parent of a Child With Medical Needs Learns

In: Kids, Motherhood
Child holding baby doll

My 9-year-old daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes a few months before her 2nd birthday. She uses a continuous glucose monitor (CGM) to watch her blood glucose levels and a pump that administers insulin. Before these amazing pieces of medical technology, we were pricking her fingers up to 10 times a day and giving insulin injections at about the same rate—ouch! There are many parents out there with children with special medical needs. One mom I know has to give her autistic son enemas every day because of digestive issues. Another mom has a child with highly specialized dietary...

Keep Reading

As Another School Year Begins, Remember Mama: You Know Your Child Best

In: Kids, Motherhood
little girl holding a first day of kindergarten sign

Dear mom buying school supplies and feeling overwhelmed, Stop and pray. Ask God to help you envision each child as the young adult they can be. Write out your goals for that child . . . fair warning, there will likely be very little academic success in your goals. You may even have to go back and write those in. Take a deep breath. Keep this list of goals nearby. Go back and read them when the world is telling you your child doesn’t stack up somewhere. They aren’t reading as fast, they’re not “getting” math, their handwriting is wonky,...

Keep Reading

Little Things Can Be Self Care Too

In: Motherhood
Woman reading a book

My third baby has never been a great night-time sleeper. Around eight months old, he decided to add more middle-of-the-night feedings. He went from his usual two nighttime nursing sessions to four, five, or even more. With all the wakeups, I was getting a dismal amount of sleep. My lack of sleep led to low energy, low patience, and an overall low mood. I was constantly tired and grumpy. When playing with my kids, I would feel like I was in a fog. I was not able to enjoy their silliness or creativity but instead became easily annoyed and frustrated....

Keep Reading

I’m Done Feeling Guilty for Struggling with My Mental Health

In: Living, Motherhood
Woman walking down a sunny road

My mental health hasn’t been great for the past week. I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on, I just knew I was struggling. My whole body felt like I was squeezing, holding in the building tension of life, trying not to burst on innocent bystanders in my path. It took me days to finally clue in that it was my anxiety, a handful of little things combining to create a perfect storm. The endless cycle of sickness hitting my family, parenting pressure, and pain from past trauma. In retrospect, I guess it wasn’t little things at all,...

Keep Reading

Dear Overstimulated Mama, You Need Rest

In: Motherhood
Woman resting head on wall

To the overstimulated mama, I know you used to be a person who loved singing and dancing, games and riotous dinner parties with friends and family. You probably had the energy for a fun evening and loved to cuddle with your man. I’m sure your outfits used to bedazzle and your hair and makeup would make you feel like a million bucks. Oh, how times have changed. Now, a Friday night on the couch is the most coveted activity after a week of little hands all over you, pulling, dragging, squeezing. Your kids keep most of the cuddles you used...

Keep Reading

Trying To Conceive Almost Ruined Our Marriage

In: Baby, Marriage, Motherhood
Man and woman back to back on bed

“I know it’s not true, but I feel like you don’t love me anymore.” My husband’s words caused me to freeze in my tracks. I had been on my way out the door, but as soon as those words were uttered, I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. The words hung in the air, and I held my breath, mind racing. What could I possibly say to that? I slowly turned around, silently waiting for my husband to continue. Which he did. “I feel like you don’t want to have sex with me anymore.” I cringed internally. Clearly, I wasn’t the...

Keep Reading

Every Time the Doctor Says, “It’s a Girl!” My Heart Grows a Little More

In: Kids, Motherhood
Sisters sitting on park bench

When I’m in the grocery store with my girls, I always get comments. My oldest girls are walking near the cart with my two-year-old running up and down the aisles. “Three little girls! Wow! God bless you, Momma!” Then they look in my cart and see the car seat holding my nine-month-old. “Is that a baby boy in there?” “No, another girl!” I reply. I get a variety of responses when people realize I have four girls under the age of seven. “Wow, you’ve got your hands full!” “Going to try for a boy?” “You are truly blessed—your girls are...

Keep Reading

When Your Last Baby Goes to School

In: Child, Motherhood

In just a few short weeks, our daughter will start preschool.  On Monday and Wednesday mornings, she’ll sling her little backpack over her shoulders, pull on her tie-dye sneakers, and head out the door. If you ask her about it, she’ll get a big grin on her face and tell you how excited she is. But me? While I’m ready for her to go and fully confident she’ll thrive, my stomach has also been doing flip-flops at the thought. Because she’s our youngest. Our little. Our last. If you’ve been here before, you know: When your last baby goes to...

Keep Reading

Raising a Child with a Severe Food Allergy Affects the Whole Family

In: Kids, Motherhood
Little boy looking at ice cream cone

I saw something recently that said, “It’s National Ice Cream Day today!” and I cannot stop thinking about it. Now I know that sounds silly, but as a mom of a child with a severe dairy (and egg) allergy, I must admit at times it makes me sad (and more often jealous if I’m being completely honest) when I know my son is going to miss out on another fun or “normal” thing that other kids his age are experiencing, like actual ice cream and ice cream parties. If I continue to be honest, I get jealous when I see...

Keep Reading

Get our FREE phone wallpaper to encourage you as the new school year begins

It's bittersweet for a mother to watch her child grow—but you both are ready to soar.