Faith Inspiration Relationships

Sex – What We Aren’t Bringing to the Table

Sex - What We Aren't Bringing to the Table
Written by Lauren Eberspacher

“We just don’t have sex anymore.”

“I’m too tired to put in that much effort.”

“It really hurts to have sex after having my babies.”

“I don’t want to have sex with him; I don’t even like him.”


“This new medicine just wipes out my sex drive.”

“I just can’t get into it.”

“I’m too insecure about the way I look to be naked in front of him.”

Do any of these sound familiar? There have been times in our marriage that I have said some of these exact statements. And I don’t know where you and your spouse are at, but it’s frustrating that there just doesn’t seem to be a “quick fix” to many of these problems.

I’m going to get real with you here for a minute. Like maybe TMI real, so if that’s not your cup of tea, then this post may not be for you. But if you’re at a point in your sex life with your husband and you’re searching for something more…. something better…. then read on.

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A few months after having our second child, we were still trying to get back into the groove of things. Sex wasn’t physically uncomfortable anymore, but I was emotionally drained and discouraged. In a desperate attempt to be intimate while our oldest was napping, we tried to put our baby into her pack-n-play that resided in our room and roll it out into the living room of our small two bedroom apartment. She was crying (she did this constantly for the first 4 months of her life), but we knew that we had to try and have some time to be alone; to take just a little bit of time for us, no matter how short and rushed it was.

As my husband got her settled in her crib and tried to calm her down, I hurried into the bathroom to try and get myself somewhat presentable. I ran a brush through my hair, put on some mascara and brushed my teeth. As I looked up from the sink, I starred into the mirror. “I can’t believe he would want any of this.” I sat down on the toilet seat and looked down at my naked body; my postpartum tummy was jiggly and moved in ways I thought only Jello could, my boobs were leaking milk everywhere because I was overwhelmed at hearing my baby screaming, my face was tired and no amount of makeup could ever cover the adult acne I had going on. In a mad dash, I walked into our room, threw on a bra, promptly turned off the lights, pulled up the covers up over my body and waited for my husband to come in.

I didn’t want him to look at me while I was naked.

This “routine” went on for a couple of months, and finally I just couldn’t take it any longer. After weeks of him asking if something was wrong, it all came out and I told him that I didn’t want him to see my body. As 5 postpartum chins emerged below my face, I blubbered and sobbed as I told him where my insecure heart was and how I just wanted to feel like myself again; how I wanted to feel like us.

And do you know what that man did? He prayed over me. He held me close and prayed that I would know and feel my beauty. He prayed that we would enjoy sex. He prayed that I would be confident again. Over the sobs of his jiggly wife and the screams of his colicky infant, his prayers over me gave me a starting point to let God into our sex life and restore the pieces of my insecure heart. And I can honestly say that after months of prayer and some hard conversations with my husband, the intimate part of our marriage was restored and we were (are) both more confident; in ourselves and each other.

You see ladies, when we are fighting in this war for intimacy in our marriages, we aren’t bringing the biggest piece of weaponry to the table: we aren’t praying about our sex lives. Whether you are insecure like I was, find yourself too tired to be intimate, are in a dry spell in your sex life or just have a hard heart towards your husband…. prayer. changes. everything. Including sex.

So if you’re sitting there in your chair with tears running down your face as you read this, here’s what I want you to do. Put down your phone, walk into your bedroom (you can even grab your husband if you feel comfortable), sit on your bed and pray. Pray for being confident in who God made you to be on this very day. Pray for vulnerability with your spouse. Pray for energy. Pray for sex to be a priority. Believe that God can help you to experience growth and intimacy in your marriage. Pray that if there is physical pain that it would cease. Thank Him for the gift of sex. And ladies, boldly come before God and pray for awesome sex with your husband. God created physical intimacy to be a good thing in our marriages. And I don’t think that sex was an excluded “situation” when Paul wrote the book of Philippians. And because of that, I think He cares enough to listen to our prayers about what’s going on in the bedroom.

Philippians 4:6

“Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Yes, every situation. Even sex.

You might also like:

Sex and Raising Babies: 7 Ways to Bring Back Intimacy

Dear Husband, If You Want More Sex, Here’s What To Do

Hey Hubby? Sex Starts in the Sink

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I didn't want him to look at me while I was naked.

About the author

Lauren Eberspacher

I’m Lauren and I’m a work-in-progress farmer’s wife, coffee addict, follower of Jesus and a recovering perfectionist. When I don’t have my three kids attached at my hip, you can find me bringing meals into the fields, dancing in my kitchen, making our house a home, and chatting over a piece of pie with my girl friends. I’m doing my best to live my life intentionally seeking all that God has for me and my family.
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  • Oh this is SO good. I’m so glad you shared this piece of intimacy people don’t think to pray about! I just love that your husband prayed over you. God bless that man. God wants to be part of EVERYTHING in our lives. <3

  • This is absolutely true. There is a book my husband and I have been working through along these lines, Sacred Sex. The book can get a little redundant, but it has been incredible in helping us view sex as a holy experience. It also was vital in helping us start the conversation and be able to talk freely to one another.

    Thank you for your honesty!

  • This was beautiful. I needed this so much and yes, i was bawling through the whole thing. I prayer afterwards as you said and i have faith that we will have a better sex life. I appreciate your words! Keep writing

  • OMG I cried, This was a meant for me to read for sure! I can’t thank you enough for having the courage to have written this! LoveLoveLove~ I had my sweet hubby read it as well, pure genius, well written! Thanks you and God bless~

  • Young men need to be well-prepared for the simple reality that PIV sex is likely off the menu for a good 6 months after birth, especially the first birth – and he should be rejoicing that she succeeded in a vaginal birth, in a misogynistic culture that loves to carve up women. A man who insists on PIV sex before it is comfortable for his wife is simply a rapist, and no woman ever should feel guilty for declining PIV sex when it is uncomfortable. In a loving marriage of equals, you don’t do ANY sexual activity EVER that the other party is not joyfully, explicitly, enthusiastically consenting to – man or woman. No woman should ever feel obligated or obliged, or guilty for declining sex or avoiding practices that are painful or undesirable. You’re not a “butt-hole” wife (what a hideous term of internalised misogyny!) if you decline sex in your butt hole. It’s your body, woman, and any man worth his salt expects to respect and have consideration for YOUR body, just as you do for his. We need to end the sense of obligation we lecture into women, and end the sense of entitlement we excuse in men, and work towards mutually-honouring equality and empathy.

    • where in this article was there any focus on the male partner’s selfish desire to have sex despite the woman’s objections? all the examples were about women feeling insecure or uncomfortable & wanting to resolve those feelings.

      as for the requirement that sex always be joyful or enthusiastic before you can even start: sometimes it just isn’t at first. one can explicitly & strongly consent to try & see where things go, then become joyful & enthusiastic along the way; or stop if the experience doesn’t improve. some of the new standards we’ve conjured up to prevent rape in dysfunctional situations are instead inserting paranoia & suspicion into healthy relationships.

  • Lauren, Yes, pray for your sex life. Yes, work through insecurity about your appearance. But please be careful about the road that your post will lead many down.

    You described obligated sex. Sex when it is painful. Sex when your body is demanding rest. Sex when you are not emotionally capable of it. No, none of those things are okay. Sex comes after those things get resolved. Too tired, too painful, too emotionally gone are not “excuses,” they are realities for many men and women. The loving thing to do is not forcing yourself to have sex anyway; it is praying through and working through those things until they are no longer problematic. To require your spouse to have sex with you despite them is sexual abuse. That is true whether your spouse physically forces you to have sex or if he/she manipulates, threats, guilts, or coerces you into it. None of those things has a place in a godly marriage.

    • I didn’t see any place where the author described or promoted obligated sex, or submitting to a physically or emotionally painful experience. I did see her place value on sexual intimacy within marriage, & promote the importance of inviting God into a realm that many Christians still perceive as “too private” or “dirty” to be witnessed to by our Creator. the idea is to invite God to resolve sexual issues, not for us to endure them, and fake pleasure to please our partners.

      • “I’m too tired to put in that much effort.”

        “It really hurts to have sex after having my babies.”

        “I don’t want to have sex with him; I don’t even like him.”

        The author’s story doesn’t seem to indicate that that particular encounter was anything less than consensual, but I am concerned that readers will take those initial lines and interpret it as “have sex anyway even if I am too tired, in pain, or emotionally uninterested.” I am more concerned for women whose partners pressure them for sex in these situations and they feel like they have no choice, that the virtuous thing to do is pray and ignore their bodies, minds, and hearts.

      • they’ll have to read the rest if the piece. those opening statements seemed to me like pre-sex apprehension, or post-sex disappointment. the author never encourages readers to “have sex anyway”. we both agree that this is inappropriate and unacceptable to expect from a partner. what I got was “even your sex life can be brought before God. your present despair doesn’t have to be permanent. there is hope.”

    • this article is rather “cringe worthy” imo, far too easily interpreted as ‘let him put his penis in you even if its painful because god’

    • Oh dear God, its not all about you. That is NOT at all what she was talking about. So many of you women are so bitter and self-absorbed you don’t even see it and you bring all your extra baggage to EVERYTHING!

  • this is not promoting abuse and enduring non consensual sex. this is about inviting God into intimacy. sex, even married sex, can tend to seem dirty to christians. and so we imagine (or hope) that God isn’t watchingn we kind of draw spiritual curtains around the bed, and hope everything will work out on its own.

    so rather than encouraging women to be intimate despite themselves to please their husbands, I felt this article is encouraging women to ask God to change their feelings, insecurities, libido, relationships in order to protect their marriages. the focus is on internal change & growth, not on bowing to external pressure.

  • How sweet

    When I nearly died in child birth…. and asked my husband to pray for me… he said I made him so miserable being 40 that he needed 2 ×20 years old and went off to pray for his secretary.

    What a blessed child YOU ARE.

  • The *human will* is an interesting thing. My husband may not *feel like* or *be in the mood to* get in his car and drive 15 minutes to where I’m stranded with a flat tire on a busy roadway after dark, and help me change the tire . . . but even though he’s *not in the mood,* to do that, he *wills* to serve me in this way, because he *loves* me, and desires to *serve* me when I need him.

    Sometimes a wife wants to serve her husband when he needs her, also. Even if she’s not *in the the mood,* she may still *will* to serve him in an intimate way, . . . as well as in lots of other ways.

    That’s where love really resides. People think love is in the heart, but its not; it’s in the *will* – a *will* which is always, always set on “to serve the other.”

    That’s what love is. That’s what love does.

    P.S. Edited to add: Obviously, if my husband has a 102 degree fever, or a twisted ankle, or is recovering from a hernia operation, there is no way that I’m going to insist that he help me change a flat tire. Nor would it be wise for a wife who is experiencing a serious and debilitating medical condition, or is still recovering from one – childbirth or otherwise – to force herself to do something that she is just simply not up to, and especially when her doctors / midwives advise against.

    (Common sense: Have it. Use it.)

  • While I completely agree with praying through all aspects of your marriage, the biggest issue I have (amongst others) is placing sex above caring for and being responsive to your “screaming baby/colicky baby”.

    “I was overwhelmed at hearing my baby screaming” and yet you guys proceeded to try to have sex- this breaks my heart. Clearly your baby needed you or dad or another nurturing adult to be with her, even if she screamed for 4 months straight. Postpartum is so intense and draining- sex actually can wait.

    • Isn’t that awful, they took 30 minutes aside to have sex instead of taking direct care of their baby – something they had been doing 24/7 for months. Babies cry, oftentimes whether they’re getting “nurturing” or not.

  • I’ve pretty much ‘Thrown in the Towel’ re there being sex in our marriage post us having all of the kids that we agreed upon. Of course I’m not to be looking at any other women, (understandable), going to porn sites (understandable) OR even complimenting my NIECE re how nicely she dresses (relative to her high-level executive position). Of course I’m also supposed to be ‘perfectly content’ that there’s no sex in our marriage, nor has there been in YEARS!

    The excuses from my wife as to why there’s no intimacy in our ‘marriage’ would be ‘comical’ if they weren’t serious… Just a few of the ‘reasons’ I’ve been hit with over the years include (but not limited to)

    “School is just too stressful, so until I’m no longer stressed-out by school, there’s no sex..”

    (Post School..) “Work is just too stressful, so until I’m no longer stressed-out by school, there’s no sex…”

    “I don’t like that picture (of my family of origin) that’s hanging on the wall, so as long as that picture is hanging there….no sex…”

    “The kids might need something so until they’re all in bed, and everything is quiet,….no sex…”

    (Post the kids being in bed) ‘I have to get up in the morning for (school/work, etc), so I need to get to sleep…”

    “Until I know that we have enough money to pay all the bills…no sex…”

    “Our bedroom door doesn’t have a lock on it… (understandable, so post the lock being installed……
    “The house we’re in isn’t ours, (from a time we shared a house, though we had our own bedroom..) so until we have a place that’s all our own,… sex.

    • Dadtomykids, So sorry to read of your predicament.

      You mention “your youngest” child, so it sounds as if you and your wife have not had a 100% sexless marriage for the entire twenty years (unless your young ones were adopted). Your wife’s behavior is, as you describe it, . . . troubling and disrespectful both to you and to the marriage, and therefore even to your children.

      If she won’t go with you to marriage counseling, which you both need desperately, won’t you please go by yourself?

      And prayer truly is the answer in any life, but particularly in a case as desperate as yours. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and may God work miracles in your life and in your wife’s life, too.

    • Amen and amen sir. 16 years served, another 6 to go. Would never abandon my adopted son or renage on supplying the standard of living my wife expects. But masturbation Is so evil I’m likely to be homeless if she ever found out.

    • But don’t you know its YOUR fault ( its always the man’s fault for everything). And you’re evil for ever thinking otherwise. Women are perfect and you shall be conditioned until you believe it mister!

  • The thing I saw in this story was the intimacy and vulnerability of you opening up to your husband about your insecurities. He responded in love as a husband should desiring to make you feel better and in turn to strengthen your relationship with one another. It was beautiful. I am a single person with no experience in this area but with some insecurities/hurts that God must heal for me to ever be able to have a marriage relationship. Thank you for the encouragement that God does heal these things.