The Baby I Held is Battling Addiction and I’ll Never Stop Loving Her

A simple text came today: She was arrested in court. Five words that have the power to change a life forever.

As her mother, I never wanted this path for her life. I remember holding her as a newborn, breathing in her baby scent, rubbing her brown hair that stuck up in every direction. I’m sure she was the smartest baby ever born, one who quickly grew into a precious toddler. She would sing her ABCs over and over, the first of many things she would memorize, always amazing us.

She started school early, again because she was so smart we had to keep her busy. The more developed her learning, the more her behavior issues showed through. We spent many hours at doctors and counselors, looking for an answer as to why our little girl was so hard to handle. We shed many tears and many more prayers that God would guide us as we raised this child.

She found her love of music and excelled in piano, often memorizing the long arrangements, as she poured out her energy making the song just right. She loved to read, often far above her grade level. Her artistic eye and steady hand allowed her to create art that was beautiful and intriguing. Her creativity never quite matched her social skills. Play dates were hard, as was making friends.

She tried, I tried, both of us going through charts, rewards, and bribes hoping that something would help make our lives and hers a little easier. Well-meaning people suggested she needed more discipline, medication, had food allergies, and any number of other things that might help, but never did.

As the teen years approached, the behavior became more erratic. Explosive language, nightmares, and times of running away all plagued our home. Sometimes, it morphed into delusional behavior, food hoarding, and even suicidal tendencies. Still, there was no clear-cut path to helping her. Then she left, choosing to move out to a family member’s home. For a while, peace filled our home alongside a sense of guilt. It’s a hard balance to crave an end to conflict yet know that nothing good is solving the issues.

That was many years ago, years of homelessness, single parenthood, forceful removal of the children, drug use, and domestic violence. Years when we had no contact, and a few years when we have. No matter where a mother and daughter are in life, they never forget each other. A mother always wants good for her child even if she doesn’t know how to help.

I want her to experience healing, sober living, and abundant life. I want restoration, if not with our family then at least within herself. I want her to find peace in her own skin. No, a mother never wants her child to be arrested, but she does wonder if this could finally be rock bottom and an opportunity for redemption. And so, I continue to pray because a mother never stops loving her child.