When I saw the double-blue lines on the pregnancy test, I erupted into loud, boisterous sobs.
While most women’s cries stem from excitement and glee after discovering they will soon have a baby in their arms, my sobs came from a darker place.
I was deeply afraid of becoming a mother.
And the timing couldn’t have been worse.
I had just lost my job of two years at a well-respected institute, a leadership role that I had moved cross country for, leaving behind all my close friends and family. I was also halfway through a demanding grad school program that seized every extra dollar I earned.
Hoping to drown out the sound of my shouts and cries, I flipped on the bathroom fan.
“God, why now?” I shouted out.
I didn’t understand in that aching moment why God chose to bring me a child.
This wasn’t good timing. I had too much going on. I didn’t have the time.
I had a variety of excuses for not wanting to accept God’s plan.
I was utterly afraid.
I was afraid to struggle.
I was afraid of not accomplishing my goals.
I was afraid of losing myself.
I was afraid of raising a child without my village.
But, there were at least two great things I had going for me: the support of an awesome partner and a lifelong habit of perseverance.
This wasn’t the first time I faced adversity, something I was afraid of, or a task I was totally unprepared for.
Like every other situation I’ve encountered in my life where I was mentally unprepared, I decided I would fake it and go “all in” until I learned to conquer what was set before me.
I browsed hundreds of web articles, read loads of mothering and parenting books, talked to tons of seasoned moms, watched several documentaries on motherhood, and read lots of research articles on everything mom life.
I decided that despite my fears I was going to embrace motherhood wholeheartedly. No matter how difficult, I was going to try my best to balance my life’s goals with raising a child.
The day my daughter was born was a life changer.
A cloud around me dissipated. I can’t quite explain it.
I was born again, too.
I had assumed a new identity.
It wasn’t about me anymore.
I still had lifelong goals I wanted to achieve, and a thesis to write, but those tasks didn’t carry the previous weight they used to.
Honestly, they didn’t really matter all that much to me anymore.
All that mattered was this healthy beautiful baby girl asleep on my chest, this little joy relying on me for food, comfort, shelter, and love. God knew I was more than capable to grant her the best of everything and more.
God had faith in me when I didn’t have faith in myself.
I’ve learned there is absolutely nothing that truly prepares you for motherhood. Our motherhood journeys are as unique as our genetic blueprints.
While we may have similar days of washing and folding endless loads of laundry, rocking all-night feeding sessions, or hectic afternoons where toddler tantrums just won’t stop, our motherhood journey is not the same.
For some, motherhood comes easily and naturally.
For some, having children is something they longed for since their days of playing with baby dolls.
For some, motherhood is downright intimidating and scary.
And for some, it can be all the above.
After accepting God’s plan and embracing my fears, I learned one of the most life-changing lessons of all.
One of the very things I was afraid of ended up being exactly what I was missing in my life.
After my daughter was born, everything fell into place.
I graduated from grad school when my daughter was six months old.
I started writing again.
I didn’t lose my identity.
I found my village despite being thousands of miles from home.
My precious little girl brought me overwhelming joy and completed my life in a way I never thought possible. I was deeply afraid of becoming a mother. Now, I’m utterly enamored by my child and I can’t imagine my life any other way.
It’s amazing the amount of good that can happen when we truly “let go and let God”.
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