That little pink positive mark hit me. Hard.
The pregnancy test revealed the news that I guiltily hoped was negative. The idea of another pregnancy—the hormones, the weight gain, the lack of sanity and sleep—seemed to overcome me. HOW? HOW could I possibly do this AGAIN?
Full of shock, I broke the news to my husband. I was like a broken record, repeating to him with tears, “Are we going to be okay?” He tried to reassure me, but I felt the uncertainty, the darkness.
In the next months, I was depressed.
Focused on trying to make it through the day with a toddler still waking at night and boys with too much energy for me to bear, I sobbed my way through my 20-something-week appointment like an irrational teenager, aka a hormonal mess.
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I remember thinking if only I could be in a coma until this pregnancy is over. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. I know many mamas who have felt the same struggles of the brokenness of motherhood. It can be hard to find the light. Painfully hard.
I’m here to tell you this—you are not alone. Even when you throw things, scream, and then binge-eat chocolate hiding in a closet from your children. At one point or another, we’ve all felt it.
There’s a God who cares deeply for you, and He’s just waiting to bring you joy.
Nine months after the shocking news, I found my light. Instantaneously, all my dread, guilt, worry, and doubt went away. I held this beautiful, big blue-eyed baby girl in my arms, and I knew in my heart that we really were going to be okay. I didn’t need the reassurance anymore. I’m not one to tell you I feel God’s presence on a daily basis, but I can tell you that day was different.
Many people asked us if we named our baby Aurora after the princess or some other significance. I’d like to think I had some beautiful and elaborate story, but truthfully, it was pretty darn boring. Maybe I was just too tired after the 92 million names my husband vetoed.
“No,” I’d say, “we just really liked the name.”
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With a couple of days in the hospital to just snuggle my new baby, I did a little research on the name. Come to find out, Aurora literally means dawn: “the first appearance of light in the sky.” That’s exactly what it felt like.
Here she was . . . this beautiful light I didn’t realize I needed.