I have sat here a million times over my life—on good days, on bad days, with friends, with family. I have celebrated my highest points and cried here at my lowest. I am drawn here, pulled in a way. When I have not been here in some time, the sea calls my soul home.
My soul is at peace here. It has always been. Maybe it is the tranquility of the waves, or the sun shining on my face. Maybe it is the solitude I find here. I love her (the sea) in all seasons, when she is calm, when she is angry. I respect her force and all her glory.
I have sat here a million times. I lost my beautiful daughter a few years ago. It shook the very being of my core. It shifted the person I was, the person I wanted to be. It changed my belief in life and death and God. Her loss was so deep nothing in my life was the same . . . except for my love of the sea.
I ran to her after my loss. I sat still and quietly by her side. I crumbled into tiny pieces of sand and lay there, listening and hoping for some peace or for some comfort.
Most people go to a therapist, I go to the sea. I never needed anyone’s guidance or validation of my feelings. I just needed a safe, calm, familiar place—and this is it. There is a presence here that feels so familiar. I never could quite explain it—a force, a warmth, an ease.
On the anniversary of my daughter’s death, I started coming here. I watch the sunrise specifically on that day because the memories of her death choke me, they steal my breath. Here I can breathe.
I started coming here to watch the sunrise on holidays. I started coming here to watch the sunrise on average days. One day I realized . . . this is as close to Heaven as we will get.
When I look out on the horizon, the sea meets the sky and the sky meets the heavens. In some distant way, our worlds connect. I have a strong belief that when I sit by the sea, she can see me. She can see my heart, she can hear my words, she can feel my thoughts.
I can feel her too.
The only thing that makes this life slightly bearable is knowing one day we will be together again. I can see it as clear as day as we walk hand-in-hand and talk about the life we had together and the days we lost.
But until then, I come here . . . because this is as close to Heaven as we will get.