A few months ago, I lost a mentor to a long, but courageous, fight to cancer. Watching her journey was awe-inspiring as I had always admired her but now witnessed her strength on a completely different level. About a week ago, her husband made a Facebook post about how he had taken the time to write her a heavenly letter as recommended by his grief counselor and how he found it extremely therapeutic. It struck a chord within me as the anniversary of my mother’s passing was quickly approaching. I still have such a wide range of emotions when I think about her that I thought the idea of communicating them through not just words, but a personal letter, might be just the trick to help release some of the pent-up grief, frustration, and sorrow I feel when it comes to her. I do not think there is or should be a time limit to grief, especially as I don’t believe it ever really ends. I believe we just learn how to better cope, and sometimes mask the pain until we can deal with it. Some days are just going to be better than others and that is OK, as long as we make a point to continue living and find joy again in the world around us.
I am going to share my letter here. I think it did help a little bit as I enjoyed the feeling of talking to her, but I know I did not fully vent all of my emotion. I am sure I will try the letter thing again, but maybe not anytime soon as it does bring a lot of feelings rushing back. I’m in the process of learning how to use those vast emotions for good. I want to help other people know we are never fully alone, somewhere there is someone feeling just as you feel and that there is healing within communication. We need to reach out and draw strength from one another. Isn’t that essentially what Facebook and blog posts are: a social media site to connect with other like-minded individuals?
Here is my letter to my mom in heaven:
This Saturday, it will be three years since you left us. I try not to dwell on how much you are missing here on Harth, but that can be easier said than done. I am often told how you are happier in Heaven but honestly that never makes me feel better. Actually if I am completely honest, that thought makes me a bit angry. I don’t want you to be happier in Heaven, I want you to be here with us. I want to talk to you, I want to see you, and I want you to be there for all the boys’ events and life milestones, no matter if they are big or small.
I hate that you left us so soon, and even more so when I know that I never got the chance to say goodbye. Maybe I am being selfish, but I don’t care, I think in this situation I am allowed to be unreasonable and selfish. I just want to have you back in my day-to-day life. You used to be the first person I called when I was upset, scared, confused, or happy. I miss your advice, your jokes, and even your bad days. I know that things got hard in the end and that I was often frustrated with you. I am sorry for that, it was really never you, but the circumstances. I know you were just as frustrated at being trapped in a body that no longer worked as your mind did and that is my only silver lining in knowing that you are no longer in your earthly body.
I miss you every day, Mom, and I pray you are able to see my accomplishments and even my sorrows. To feel that you are still present in my life and supporting me from Heaven helps. You were always my biggest cheerleader and fan. You were the first to teach me the concept of unconditional love which is the best gift you gave me in life.
I love you and hope I will continue to make you proud as I celebrate your life and honor you by being the very best me that I can be.
Forever your girl . . .