So God Made a Mother Collection ➔

It was probably too early to tell, I thought, as I sat on the toilet and peed on another pregnancy test. I hadn’t missed my period yet, but the early test promised results “six days sooner” than my missed period. To be honest, I had spent an embarrassing amount of money on pregnancy tests over the last few months. But I needed answers. I needed to know. These little pink lines would tell me our future. 

See, my husband and I had lost our first baby a few months before.

It had been a whirlwind of emotions from the beginning. Are we ready to try for a family? Will we have trouble conceiving like our parents? This shifted to Oh my gosh, we’re pregnant! How did it happen on our first try? Are we ready for this?

There was a mixture of excitement and uncertainty. No one talks about the shock of a wanted pregnancy, but we had taken a leap of faith. Everyone says you’re never truly ready for kidsmy friend even said it’s a lot like jumping in the deep end of the pool. 

We were cautiously eager.

We of course told our parents right away. This was the first grandbaby after all, and we had to share the news. I made an appointment with my family doctor to confirm it. I peed in a cup, and we waited in the treatment room to hear the result. “You’re pregnant!” she said. We looked at each other in amazement. Outside in the parking lot, we hugged and marveled that it was really happening. 

The next step was making the first OB/GYN appointment at eight weeks. We booked the appointment and waited. After an eternal few weeks, we were finally in the ultrasound room, ready to see our firstborn. My husband squeezed my hand as the tech moved the ultrasound wand. We waited.

“Well,” she said, “I’m not seeing anything yet. The development matches with six weeks, not eight. But the dating on the weeks could be off.” I had been feeling some symptoms (fatigue, changes in appetite) and sometimes the dating of a pregnancy can be different based on ovulation. We felt assured that our doctor would shed more light on the situation. 

In the treatment room, though, we didn’t hear what we had hoped for.

“We’re not seeing a fetal pole, there’s not a heartbeat yet,” the doctor explained. “It could develop into something. We’ll have to do blood tests to see if your hormone levels are increasing.”

My husband’s eyes teared up as the phlebotomist extracted a sample for testing. “It’ll be OK,” I had told him, feeling matter of fact. “Sometimes this happens and a baby doesn’t develop. We’ll be able to use this to encourage others who have lost babies.” 

My levels did not increase, and at the next appointment, the doctor talked through my options: medication to induce miscarriage, D&C, or letting my body naturally remove the “products of conception.” Since when was a baby called a “product of conception”? I couldn’t bear the thought of anything invasive or medical, so we opted to let my body process it on its own.

Part of me, too, wondered if the doctor was wrong, and if so, I didn’t want to medically intervene if this baby was going to live.

The doctor was not wrong. Within the next few weeks, I had cramps and bleeding. A follow-up ultrasound confirmed there was no baby. We left the appointment in tears. I hadn’t realized until then how much I had wanted that baby, how much I wanted it all to be true. 

And here I was now, staring at a pregnancy test and hoping for two pink lines of hope. A second pale, pink line appeared. I tested again a few days later, and the line was darker. We had an ultrasound, and there was a heartbeat and a baby. We dared to hope again. 

Originally published on the author’s blog

Larkin Witmyer

Daughter of the King, wife, mom, and writer. Larkin enjoys spending time with her family, especially her feisty one-year-old daughter. In her free time, she enjoys reading and daydreaming about her future dream house.

Donating Breastmilk Helped My Heart Heal

In: Baby, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Woman with packaged breastmilk, color photo

Dear grieving mama, You know when you lose a baby everything changes, but your body moves forward like nothing happened. It carried that tiny baby long enough to trigger a complicated hormonal cocktail that causes your milk to come in so that little life can continue to grow outside you. But your baby is separated from you in a way nature never intended. There will be no baby snuggles. There won’t be a sleepy, smiley, milk-drunk face looking up at you. But your body doesn’t know that, so your breasts swell and keep swelling with milk that has nowhere to...

Keep Reading

Colic Can Make a Good Mom Feel Like a Failure

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding crying baby

“Let me try.” A stranger. A complete stranger. I allowed a stranger to hold you. It has been weeks, and you’re still crying every evening around the same time for the same amount of time. The doctor told me it’s just colic and that it’ll pass, but his nonchalant reaction is in utter opposition to how I feel, to how you obviously feel. Colic is devastating. And no matter how many times people tell you the baby is OK . . . when you watch your baby cry that much, you know they can’t be. I tried to take you...

Keep Reading

Motherhood Will Challenge Every Inch of You—but You Are Strong

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mom holding new baby

Dear momma, Although it may not feel like it now, you will become stronger each and every day. Your feelings of hopelessness and sadness will be a distant memory. I promise you will get better, and you will be happy again. It is OK that you don’t know anything, your baby will forgive you. Your feelings of guilt have no merit. You will question everything. Keep asking those questions but trust your gut too. It will lead you in the right direction.  You are doing enough. You are enough.  RELATED: Dear Mom, Your Best Is Enough Do not wish the...

Keep Reading

Going from One to Two Kids Was So Much Harder than I Expected

In: Baby, Motherhood, Toddler
Family of four

I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  And boy, DID. I. NOT. KNOW.  But, I really thought I did!  I really thought that waiting until our daughter was three before adding another child would make the transition easy. She will be more independent then, I reasoned. Also, fully potty-trained (HA!), enrolled in school, and interested in some things besides just Mommy. Plus, I’ve done this newborn thing before! How hard could it be? Bless that naive spirit. Because those optimistic expectations sure didn’t match my reality. I was firmly set on breastfeeding. So after our second baby came home, the nightly wakings...

Keep Reading

Just Wait Until You Realize Every Hard Moment Is Worth It

In: Baby, Motherhood
Woman kissing baby

Every new parent has heard it before—all those “just wait until . . .” comments. Just wait until you have to wake up every two hours, then you’ll really know what it means to be tired.  Just wait until your baby cries like mad, then you’ll really know what patience is.  You just wait until you find out what it truly means to be busy, then you’ll laugh at what you used to think of as busy days.  But you know what I say? Yes, the newborn stage can be difficult, but oh, how those precious moments wipe the difficultness away.  See,...

Keep Reading

I Would Relive Every Moment of Sorrow Just To Hold You

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding infant, black-and-white photo

As I sat there rocking my child to sleep, I caught my mind wandering to the past. Not my recent past but my before . . . Before my son was born. Before my stressful pregnancy. Before my positive pregnancy test. Before . . . when I was praying every day for a miracle—six years back. Infertility is a messy journey that few (and many at the same time) are chosen to take. It’s lonely and heartbreaking and dark and will make you hate yourself at times. You feel helplessness and anger and despair. RELATED: This is Infertility Your relationships...

Keep Reading

When a Rainbow Baby Meets Mama

In: Baby, Loss, Motherhood
newborn baby on mother's chest

This week, one year ago, was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Fast forward to exactly one year later, and here I am cuddling you, my sweet boy. I never truly understood what “rainbow baby” was all about, but I get it now. Sure, I knew what it meant and what it represented. I had read the articles and heard the stories. I had seen the meaningful images and understood the definition. But I never truly and deeply knew what happens when a rainbow baby meets their mama . . . until you. When a rainbow baby...

Keep Reading

How Do You Know it’s Really the Last Baby?

In: Baby, Motherhood
Selfie of pregnant woman standing next to child, color photo

I love being pregnant. I love everything about it. I am, however, one of the lucky ones who has been blessed with stress-free pregnancies. I get the typical morning sickness in the first trimester and the utter exhaustion in the third trimester, but other than that, it’s just pure enjoyment. I know not everyone has that experience, some have horrific pregnancies, but for me they have all been relatively easy. Trust me, I do know how fortunate I am. I’m currently pregnant with my fourth child. The little man is due this summer. From the very beginning when I first...

Keep Reading

It’s Hard on a Mother’s Heart To Watch Her Last Baby Grow Up

In: Baby, Motherhood
Child walking away in grass

My youngest son turned two a few months ago and still has a binky. He actually calls it his “mimi,” and he loves it so much. This morning I  looked at him with a mimi in his mouth and a mimi in his hand before I walked him into daycare and realized something. I am not ready to let go of the baby stage.  Getting rid of the binky would be the last step of the baby stage. He is already in a big boy bed. He doesn’t want to sit in a high chair for meals. He tries to...

Keep Reading

Some Babies Are Held Only in a Mother’s Heart

In: Baby, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Ultrasound of baby

“Whatever may come and whatever may pass, we have faith that our God will bring us to it and through it.” That’s what I wrote in a post after we announced our third pregnancy. It was the first pregnancy we went public with, but it was the third time we had two positive lines on a pregnancy test. You see, we had miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage. We went from surprised optimism to guarded yearning and finally stolen joy. The first baby was nothing more than a what-if before that test. It was a surprise to two people who loved...

Keep Reading
Mother Holding Baby

5 Secrets

for New Moms

FREE EMAIL BONUS

Encouragement for the newborn stage