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I Thought My Arms Would Be Holding a Baby Today, Instead My Heart Holds a Memory

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By Brittany Dick

Photo of a sonogram — Image via Brittany Dick

Today was meant to be special.

From the moment you tested positive, imaginations ran wild picturing the life you’d soon hold in your hands.

Will it be a boy or girl? Will my first find it difficult to adjust? Will he or she resemble me, or be yet another carbon copy of my husband? Will this baby like our pets? Will our pets like this baby? What items do I need to prepare for this baby’s arrival?

The excitement grew each day. Life felt a bit fuller, a bit more magical while that baby was growing in your tummy.

And then, one day, the magic faded. But not like a gradual fade—more like a violent gust of wind that takes the breath from your lungs.

And when that baby left your body, it felt as if a small piece of you left, too.

RELATED: We Lost Our Baby at 17 Weeks Pregnant

Miscarriages happen all the time. You know several friends or family members who have angel babies of their own. But just because they are common doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to mourn each and every loss you experience.

To the mom who’s grieving on her baby’s due date:

Mom to mom, I want you to know it does get easier. With time—and through allowing yourself to mourn—it stings a little less. You’ll be able to talk about your experience with others without crumbling. You may never be OK with losing your baby, but it’s possible to learn ways to accept it.

But today, on your baby’s due date, I encourage you to make room for whatever emotions come up.

Sadness.

Peace.

Anger.

Numbness.

Resentment.

Hope.

It’s all valid. There is no guidebook for pregnancy loss. I’m not anyone special, but I’m a mom who’s grieving, too. And I can say I’m feeling all of the above on the day my baby was projected to be born.

RELATED: A Mother’s Love Can’t Be Measured In Weeks

Today, I find myself wanting to steal some moments of solitude when I can.

To hug my husband in silence—because I know what he’s feeling, too.

To close my eyes in solemn concentration to feel a connection to the being I lost months ago.

And in my head, my words echo on repeat, like a letter or prayer I desperately hope my baby can hear. They sound a little bit like this:

Hi baby, can you hear me? I really wish I could hold you.

Today was supposed to be your due date. You left my body months ago, and yet I still feel a part of my soul intertwined with yours. Do you feel it too?

RELATED: A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven

It’s been six months and sometimes, when my mind has drifted from this reality, I still reach down to caress the soft spot on my tummy where you once grew. Today, I feel sad because you’re not where I am. I can’t reach down to feel your presence—I can only try my best to feel it in the breeze.

Today, I choose to honor you.

Instead of celebrating your birthday, I’ll acknowledge the pain we felt from losing you as what it was at its core—love. We really loved you, and we always will.

I don’t know why you’re gone, but I know where you are is where we all hope to be one day.

There are so many things I wish I could know about you. But I do know this—I miss you, I love you, and one day I’ll see you again.

Love,
Your mama

Until we meet again, my baby—due April 20, 2020.

Previously published on the author’s blog

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Brittany Dick

Brittany is a health writer and blogger who's admittedly awkward, anxious, and usually hungry.

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I Thought My Arms Would Be Holding a Baby Today, Instead My Heart Holds a Memory

And then, one day, the magic faded. But not like a gradual fade—more like a violent gust of wind that takes the breath from your lungs.

RELATED: We Lost Our Baby at 17 Weeks Pregnant

But today, on your baby’s due date, I encourage you to make room for whatever emotions come up.

RELATED: A Mother’s Love Can’t Be Measured In Weeks

To close my eyes in solemn concentration to feel a connection to the being I lost months ago.

RELATED: A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven

Today, I choose to honor you.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Brittany Dick

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What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

Get It Now

So God Made a Mother

I Thought My Arms Would Be Holding a Baby Today, Instead My Heart Holds a Memory

And then, one day, the magic faded. But not like a gradual fade—more like a violent gust of wind that takes the breath from your lungs.

But today, on your baby’s due date, I encourage you to make room for whatever emotions come up.

To close my eyes in solemn concentration to feel a connection to the being I lost months ago.

Today, I choose to honor you.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

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What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

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