If you identify with any of these things, you’re definitely one. sexy. mama.

A literal mama. Like, you birthed babies. And they changed your life. And your body. And your definition of sexy.

1. You cross your legs…

…when you sneeze. Every single time.

Because all heck will break loose if you sneezed like a normal lady. And then you’d need a change of undies. And that’s so not sexy.

So sneeze with pride.

You birthed a baby from down below, and that wreaks havoc on your innards. Own your sexy leaky bladder.

Cross those legs like you mean it.

2. The way you accentuate your curves…

… with chocolate.

Those calories go straight to your butt. Who needs booty burner exercises when you have a cabinet full of chocolate bars?

So sneak in a mouthful when you’re hiding in the closet. Stuff them in your cheeks Trunchbull style (much too good for children). Eat if after every meal. Stock up on dark chocolates, milk chocolates, white chocolates, chocolate truffles, chocolate cookies, anything chocolate!

Those curves never looked better.

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Who needs booty burner exercises when you have a cabinet full of chocolate bars? Tweet this.

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 3. Today you wore your lacy underwear…

…inside out.

Not on purpose, of course. But your toddler was awake all night, and finally decided that early morning is the best time to drift off to sleep. In your bed. And you would’ve gone back to sleep, too, but kids are such bed hogs.

So instead of doing a balancing act on the edge of your mattress, you rolled out of bed, fished through your bureau drawers, and pulled together enough clothes to constitute a complete outfit. All without waking your sleeping bundle of joy.

What can I say, you’re Supermom!

But then when you had to use the bathroom midmorning, you recognized your fashion faux pas. Underpants: in.side.out.

You’re a rockstar.

4. Your hair has amazing volume…

…after not washing it for a week.

I mean really, why wash your hair every day and spend hours styling it, when you rock the full bodied look effortlessly? All it takes is a little time and a whole lotta dry shampoo. And brushing just flattens it down, so let those tangles add a little oomph.

You’ve got the biggest hair in town. All you need is a little wind to complete the supermodel look.

5. Woah, that cleavage…

I’ve only ever seen the likes of it airbrushed on beer billboards (which B-T-dubs, I find highly degrading and dishonest).

But you’re the real deal.

Those bad boys are so firm, rock hard even. Because they’re full of breastmilk. Engorged, if we’re being honest. No matter how high your neckline is, they just don’t stay contained.

Say good-bye to V-necks, and hello to never sexier over-sized T-shirts.

And truthfully, you’ll be relieved when they’re back to normal. Because it’s so darn painful. And you’re feeling touched out.

So back off, hubby.

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Like… you birthed babies. And they changed your life. And your body. And your definition of sexy. Tweet this.

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 6. Accessories: nailed it…

That greasy apron. The stained bathrobe. Those mismatched slippers.

Your sense of style is inspiring.

You know just what extras to add to any outfit to make it stand out. I love that you manage to look so comfortable and confident every day, everywhere. You turn heads at the grocery store. Everyone stops to stare.

You still got it, mama, that’s for sure.

7. Your makeup free face makes me say wow…

Wow, have you slept in the last week?

I can see those sleepless nights in the smoky… bags under your eyes. Your sexy half-closed lids tell the story of complete exhaustion. Your mid-distant gaze speaks of your desire for just five minutes rest.

Why try to hide behind a mask of lies?

No amount of makeup could conceal that, anyways.

Let’s be serious for a minute.

Mama, you have the world’s hardest job. And you do it all with little help and even less sleep. You overflow with love and dedication, and it’s awe-inspiring.

You’re beautiful, inside and out.

If your body has imperfections, it’s because you sacrifice yourself for love of your children. And in spite of how snarky I’m feeling today, I honestly think it makes you more beautiful, not less. (Mostly because I’m right there with ya).

Don’t ever regret your motherhood, and all the joys and trials it brings.

Embrace yourself for who you are: one. sexy. mama.