Free shipping on all orders over $75🎄

I waited seven long months of pregnancy for your arrival but still wasn’t ready for the moment you came early. Suddenly, everything seemed scary and uncertain but one thing was for sureyou surprised me from the start. There was no slowing you down.

I longed to finally meet you face-to-face but nothing could prepare me for when they whisked you away before I got the chance. The hours waiting were the longest of my life. Nothing about our new home in the NICU felt normal. There were so many limitations on my time with you, so many unfamiliar medical terms and devices, and so many eyes on me as I learned how to handle your fragile body.

I dreamt of the day I could rock you, but I dared not move the first time you were placed onto my bare chest. You were attached to more wires than I cared to count, but you looked straight into my eyes and that was all that mattered.

You appeared to have found your own piece of heaven, and I, my saving grace.

I planned to bring you home from the hospital but there I was, returning without you. If you could have seen my heart, you would know it was shattered into a million little pieces. I had to keep moving with no time for thinking, or I could never leave you. Even now, I pray you don’t remember the days I couldn’t be there. It’s more than I can bear to imagineyou on your own.

RELATED: Dear NICU Parents, I Pray For You

I set up a comfy crib just for you, but instead, you slept in an incubator in a room full of strangers. Yet from the moment I held your hand through the tiny opening, I knew you were mine and I was yours. Together we would stay, through whatever broken expectations or difficult obstacles lay on the road ahead.

I knew I would face an array of emotions as a mother but never realized I would feel so inadequate and helpless.

I felt weighed down by the guilt that you came too soon with such a rough start to life. If only I had kept you in a little longer, maybe just one more day would have made a difference.

I wanted so badly to feed you but found myself replaced by a small tube, giving my milk to you via someone else. When the time came, I could hardly even give you a bottle without your choking spells sounding the monitors. At first, their beeping frightened me, but eventually, I was nervous to take you home without them. I found comfort in this new reality of bradys and desats, CPAPs and nasal cannulas, care times and kangaroo chairs, daily temps and weigh-ins.

RELATED: 5 Things I Wish I Knew When I Became A NICU Mom

I expected a hospital stay and recovery but didn’t realize I would be so physically and mentally weak from my own medical complications. I couldn’t care for myself let alone my family, including big brother and sister waiting at home. I was torn apart, just wanting to be everything to every one of you.

I looked forward to welcoming you into our family with happy tears, but instead, I saw your daddy cry for the first time as your condition worsened. I felt myself drowning into a hole I couldn’t climb out of. As I held on by a thread, everything seemed to collapse around me. The memory still lingersI fear it will never fade. It dwells in your first photographsthe ones of your little body living off machines.

I prepared to give you life but never imagined to see you look so lifeless.

I was overcome with the thought of losing you or receiving a diagnosis that would change all the dreams I had for you. As we waited for test results and the weeks dragged on, I took care of you just like I had turned into your personal NICU nurse. Every gram gained and milliliter drank was a cause for celebration. Eventually, you breathed on your own and maintained your temperature out of the box that had become your home.

I hoped to teach you everything in the world, but it was from you, my itty-bitty preemie, that I learned to survive. Not only did you fight to stay alive but you have also thrived. PICC line battle scars and all, you met every milestone in front of you. In fact, you often surpassed them in typical warrior style, and I found myself lucky just to keep up.

RELATED: Dear NICU Mom, I See You

I anticipated going on an adventure with you but little did I know it would start so soon. Our NICU journey was a roller coaster ride filled with ups and downs, but we found strength in the love and support of our family and friends, in the capable hands of caring nurses and doctors, in the arms of those who held you when we weren’t able, and in the prayers of so many.

I prayed for you to be born healthy but God had a plan I could not foresee.

As He drew closer, I learned that sometimes the best gifts come earlier than expected, during the most difficult times, and in the smallest packages. You may have been tiny, but you were so mighty, just like my love for you. I hope you never forget that and never let anyone slow you down.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Amber Backus

I am a journalist turned stay-at-home mommy to four children, three sons and one daughter. These days, naptime is the perfect time to return to my first love of writing.

My Baby Had Laryngomalacia

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding baby on her shoulder

Life’s funny, isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got the whole motherhood thing figured out, the universe throws a curveball. And, oh boy, did it throw me one with my second baby. There I was, feeling like a seasoned mom with my firstborn—a healthy, vivacious toddler who was 16 months old. Our breastfeeding journey had its hiccups, an early tongue-tie diagnosis that did little to deter our bond. Fourteen months of nurturing, nighttime cuddles, and feeling powerful, like my body was doing exactly what it was meant to do. Enter my second baby. A fresh chapter, a new story....

Keep Reading

A C-Section Mom Simply Needs You to Hear Her Story

In: Baby, Motherhood
Newborn baby crying in doctor's hands

As an expecting mother, I was told all about the sleepless nights. People made sure to give their opinion on whether I should bottle feed, breastfeed, or exclusively pump. I was told which swaddle to buy, which sound machine worked best, and when to introduce a pacifier. They told me about sleep training but that it really didn’t matter because I wouldn’t get any sleep anyway. Whenever I would mention how scared I was to give birth, I’d always get the same response: oh. honey, don’t worry, your body will know what to do. I remember listening to calming meditations...

Keep Reading

Feed Them—and Other Ways To Help NICU Parents

In: Baby, Motherhood
Parents holding hands of premature baby in NICU

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about our reality as NICU parents to a healthy, brilliant NICU graduate. Our child was born very prematurely and spent weeks in the NICU so he could grow and stabilize. My first experience as a mother of a baby was shattered in so many ways. Trauma still lingers, but I am so grateful for all I have learned from our time beside our little baby in his isolette bed. One thing I learned was that some people who really want to help support NICU parents really don’t know how they can. Here are some...

Keep Reading

From Baby to Boy

In: Baby, Motherhood, Toddler
Toddler boy asleep with legs tucked under his belly

The sweet snuggles and sighs are slowly making way for more crawling climbing and exploring each day. And just when I think my baby is gone, you snuggle into my chest, convincing me I’m wrong. I watch as you excitedly chase after your sis and giggle as you share with me your slobbery kiss. RELATED: They Tell You To Hold the Baby, But No One Warns You How Fast He Grows Daytime hours bring playful adventures as I watch my baby leave, but then a sleeping bum curled in the air makes me believe that these cherished baby moments haven’t...

Keep Reading

Having Two Under Two Was the Best Decision I Ever Made

In: Baby, Motherhood, Toddler
Toddler and newborn lying next to each other on a bed

My baby was 14 months old when I found out I was pregnant with baby number two. He had just learned how to walk, still requiring me to walk behind him holding both of his hands above his head so he wouldn’t topple over. In other words, my baby was still very much a baby, and I couldn’t believe I’d be adding another baby to the mix. Excited, but mostly terrified, I researched and read more articles than I can count on what it’s like to be a parent of two under two. These articles more often than not use...

Keep Reading

I Thought Failure to Thrive Meant I Was Failing

In: Baby, Motherhood
Baby drinking bottle, color photo

Failure. That’s all I read. It’s all I saw. It was the only thing I could focus on. I’m sure the doctor said it at some point during the appointment, but it wasn’t until it was right there staring at me in black and white that it clicked . . . “failure to thrive.” I was officially failing my daughter. A couple of years down the road, I now realize how irrational and far from the truth that was, but at the time, it was all I could focus on. I wish more than anything that they had a better,...

Keep Reading

You’re Becoming a Big Sister, But You’ll Always Be My Baby

In: Baby, Kids, Motherhood
Pregnant woman with young daughter, color photo

The anticipation of welcoming a new baby into the world is an exciting and joyous time for our family. From the moment we found out we were expecting to just about every day since, the love and excitement only continue to grow. However, amidst all the preparations for the new addition, I cannot help but have mixed emotions as I look back at old videos and pictures of my firstborn, my first princess, my Phoebe—for she will always hold a special place in my heart. As the anticipation grows, my heart swells with a mix of emotions knowing we are...

Keep Reading

New Mama, It Might Not Be Okay Now but It Will Be

In: Baby, Motherhood
New baby looking at camera, black and white image

It was 2:30 in the morning, I was sitting on the bed with tears streaming down my face, my 7-week-old son crying in my arms. Everything hurt—my engorged breasts, my cracked and bleeding nipples, my back where I had taken two epidurals. It hurt to sit, not only from birth but from the stitches, and I was tired. “It’s okay,” my husband said, rubbing my back in small conciliatory circles, but it wasn’t okay. When they placed my son in my arms for the first time I cried tears of joy, made promises for the future, bolstered by the love I...

Keep Reading

“Please Help Mommy to Be Patient, and the Baby to Stay Alive in Her Tummy.”

In: Baby, Loss, Motherhood
Toddler with hand on mother's pregnant belly

“Please help Mommy to be patient, and the baby to stay alive in her tummy.” It was my little girl’s daily prayer during my pregnancy. That prayer for patience—it stung a bit even though I had told her she could pray that I would be patient. It wasn’t necessarily that she or her sisters were testing my limits, but this pregnancy rage had gotten to be a real thing. If there is one thing motherhood has taught me, it’s that I can’t do it on my own. I need the help of my Heavenly Father, and I need others. I...

Keep Reading

I Know I’m Done, but I’ll Always Want Another Baby

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother touches nose to baby's smiling face, close up color photo

I was sorting clothes into tubs to donate, consign, or keep for my 1-year-old, and I came across a newborn outfit amongst a bunch of bigger kid clothes. I had gotten rid of all of my 1-year-old son’s newborn and infant things last year, but he still seems small and baby-like to me, compared to my 5-year-old. But I’m telling you, when I held up that teeny-tiny outfit, my heart broke. It looked too small to be real. To fit anything other than a doll. But, it did. My older son wore it on his first Christmas. I know I’m...

Keep Reading