It’s been years since my mom died and although many days it does seem that it has gotten easier, there are also many days that bring me right back to the forefront of my grief and are super hard all over again.
Some of the hardest days include those moments when I have a big decision at hand or important news to share. Having a big decision and not having my biggest supporter and my voice of reason to talk through it is one of the hardest realities. Sure, I have people to talk to and help me through, but none of them are my mom.
My dad will say to me, “Talk to your mom, you know she’s always there to guide you.”
And as much as part of me believes that, it is just plain hard that I don’t have her here in person to discuss these things with.
Regardless, I still do talk to her. I ask her for advice, and I ask her to help guide me in the right direction. I beg her to send me a sign or help the right answer fall into my lap. The craziest part—things often do work out right around the time I am asking for her assistance. She always seems to point me in the right direction.
I still need her to talk me through the big stuff. I still need her to share the little news with. I still need her to share all the big things happening.
I still need her.
These conversations are emotional. I often cry. I often get frustrated that I’m talking to the sky instead of to my mom in person. It often seems very cruel and unfair.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be too old to stop needing my mom. I don’t think there will ever come a time when enough time has passed that I don’t need to talk to her about the things happening in my life.
I am always going to want and, frankly, NEED her to continue to be part of things. So even if for some it seems crazy, I will never stop talking with her, no matter how far the physical distance between us may be.
She is always with me, guiding me.