I spent the first five months of your life just waiting for you to get bigger. I was exhausted in a way I have never imagined possible, and yet I trudged on for you. And I told myself this simple phrase to power me on and to push me forward: the bigger she gets, the more she can do, the easier it will be.
Oh, how wrong was I. I see you growing and looking less like my sweet baby and more like my sweet toddler. I see you changing and already needing me just a little less than you did last month. Or even yesterday. I see you learning new skills and getting so excited and proud of yourself, and I beam with so much pride I think my heart will burst out of my chest as you accomplish each and every one of them!
And I am learning the weight of loving someone so much it becomes my entire identity, yet also knowing that one day, all too soon, you will no longer be mine and you will no longer need me and I will have to let you go and fly.
And I want to just freeze time.
To just snuggle you and hold you and kiss your chubby cheeks a thousand times while you still let me do that. To sing you to sleep every night and continue to sing and sway and snuggle you long after you have drifted off into dreamland. I don’t want to let you go. I don’t want you to get bigger. I want you always and forever. I want to be selfish and hold you for as long and as tightly as I can.
So I’m going to. I’m going to hold onto every last minute of you.
I’m going to inhale deeply into the top of your head and savor that sweet baby smell. I’m going to kiss you a thousand times and memorize the way your gummy little grin lights up your face and relish in the magical sound of your giggles and squeals.
I’m going to let you need me as long as I possibly can before you realize that Jesus equipped you for all you need and it’s time for you to go out into His world on your own and do His will for your life.
But just for a little while my little angel bean. Just for this short time that He shares you with me, I’m going to hold onto you. Because all too soon it will all be over, and I will only have the sweet, sweet memories of your tiny body tucked tightly against mine as you sleep so sweetly in my arms.
So don’t grow up, little bean. Don’t get bigger. Don’t do more on your own just yet. I’m not ready to let you quite yet, and I just want to hold you a little bit longer.