September 11 will be a date that is forever etched in my heart, not only because of its historical significance but because it’s the day I saw your lifeless little body on the ultrasound screen. I couldn’t hold back the sobs. My chest suddenly felt heavier than a ton of bricks.

I’ve been here before. I’ve had losses, but none this late. I didn’t feel their movements or hear so many strong heartbeats at my checkups. Your siblings felt you move and squealed with utter excitement.

I want to wake from this nightmare, but it seems it’s my new reality. Life without you. I won’t hear your little cry or hold your little fingers. I won’t get to kiss your little cheeks while I tell you how much I love you. I won’t get to memorize the details of your face or decide which features mirrored me or your daddy.

RELATED: You Were Here My Angel

I won’t get to nurse you back to sleep or sing you songs about how much Jesus loves you. I won’t get to introduce you to your siblings, who have been tracking your progress for the 17 weeks that I carried you and ask how you’re doing 500 times a day.

I won’t get to be excited when it’s the day you leave the womb, which is rapidly approaching as it finalizes the end of everything I thought that was going to be.

My insides hurt like never before. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I carried you for 17 weeks, but you’ll be in my heart forever.

RELATED: We Lost Our Baby at 17 Weeks Pregnant

I might never understand this pain on this side of eternity, but when it’s my time to enter Heaven’s gates, I can’t help but picture Jesus greeting me as He shows me the amazing little one who changed me yet again.

You changed my body. You changed my life. You will always have a piece of my heart.

Written on September 12, the day after it was confirmed my baby was gone, and a week before my baby’s body was no longer in mine.

Originally published on the author’s blog

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Lizzy Christian

Lizzy Christian is a toddler-chasing, coffee-sipping, firefighter wife, and vacuuming enthusiast who has a passion for writing. She is the founder of the Fire Wife Chronicles, which is geared on topics of motherhood, marriage, faith, & first responder family life. Lizzy received her undergrad in Crisis Counseling from Liberty University and her Master of Arts in Human Services Counseling – Crisis Response and Trauma from Liberty University’s Graduate School. She is a two-time NYC Marathon finisher and avid runner, and former School Counselor and Athletic Director. Lizzy married her high school sweetheart and together they have two sons and a daughter. Visit www.lizzychristian.com for additional resources and upcoming projects. 

Dear Baby in Heaven, I’ll Miss You For the Rest of My Life

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Mother holding hand of preemie, black-and-white photo

My perfect baby. How I wish you were here. I imagine still being pregnant with you, moving right along and counting down the days until your due date. I imagine getting your nursery together and buying as many pink clothes and bows that I possibly could. I imagine a life that you would be a part of.  RELATED: A Mother’s Love Can’t Be Measured In Weeks I can’t believe you aren’t here with me. I can’t believe I will never feel your kicks again. I can’t believe this happened to us.  How I wish you were here. How I wish...

Keep Reading

I Loved You Before I Met You and Just as Much After I Lost You

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Parent holding baby's hand

I loved you before I met you. Before it was just a dream. I didn’t know if I would ever meet you or when that day would be. I just knew when it happened, I’d never let you go. You were a wish I made upon the stars each night, to one day hold you in my arms so tight. RELATED: You Were Here My Angel My mind was filled with thoughts of you. So much I couldn’t bear. My heart exploded the day the good Lord sent you my way. I couldn’t believe the miracle, I couldn’t help but...

Keep Reading

There Are No Shortcuts For Navigating the Grief of Miscarriage

In: Grief, Loss
Sad woman stands on a rock in the fog with umbrella

Not again, I pleaded. Please, God, not again! I laid there on that cold examination table with my legs up on the stirrups, and my gut told me something was wrong. The resident’s silence was ominous. I closed my eyes and shook my head and steeled myself for what was to come. The resident sighed and turned to me. “There’s no heartbeat,” he said. His tone was casual like he was informing me of the time. My steel armor cracked and broke, and his words wounded me. I wanted to cry but could not. For a short instant, Denial came...

Keep Reading