So God Made a Mother is Here! 🎉

No heartbeat. Fetal demise.

These were the words I was told at my routine appointment three days ago when the archaic-looking cassette recorder my doctor uses to listen to the heartbeat didn’t pick up anything.

Oh, she’s not in the right place. I just had too much pasta in Italy, I thought. The doctor went from being jovial to dead silence. He took me down the hall to a room with a sonogram machine. I had to sit there awhile, alone, while the antiquated machine was roused from its slumber enough to start making annoying noises. I still felt like I knew everything was alright because I hadn’t had any signs or symptoms, no bleeding. He would be in here soon and realize that it was all OK.

Still, my heart started to quicken and my palms became sweaty as little shards of what this could mean shot through.

When he re-entered the room, I couldn’t see the machine so I remained fixed on his face, searching his expression for a sign it was all OK. More concern only took over and the silence became deafening. Then he turned to me and said “There is no heartbeat. She stopped growing about two weeks ago. Her gestational age is showing 14 weeks.”

I was 17 weeks pregnant.

“I’m going to need to send you for a second opinion.” Oh good, maybe these machines are too outdated and another, more expensive machine will tell us everything is OK. But of course, that was wishful, desperate thinking.

“Ummm, is there a chance she’s just very still, sleeping?”

“No. There is no heartbeat.” 

“So a second opinion is just a matter of procedure?”

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

He talked about me needing a D&E as I gathered my belongings and was ushered to the office assistant’s desk to call my husband. Because of course, this was the day I left my cell phone in the car. I called my husband and through tears and gasps said, “You need to come here now.” Panicked, he said he would get coverage for his class and be there right away. I neglected to tell him why or maybe I thought it was implied. He drove to me not knowing if there was a problem with the baby or if the problem was with me.

Devastated, I remained on hold the entire time I was waiting for him, trying to schedule the second opinion ultrasound. The soonest they could get me in was four hours from then. My husband called our IVF clinic who told us to come right away. 

Our IVF clinic ushered us into a room quickly, but then we waited for what seemed like forever. My husband still held out hope, and so did I, in spite of the facts. My IVF doctor told us the same thing: there is no heartbeat and she stopped growing about two weeks ago.

That was when I last saw her on ultrasound. The day before our trip, I went in to have her spinal cord looked at and saw her moving. I saw her flip from one side to another, like a fish. I saw her respond to my stomach being pushed on. She could hear us, our voices and our laughter. Then sometime in the last few weeks, the muffled sounds she was hearing fell silent, and no one knows why.

Immediately we began questioning everything we had done, starting with the trip. Carrying my other child, softly jumping on the bed with her. Drinking a cup of coffee every day. We were told time and again it would not be any one of those factors or even all of them. That a normal pregnancy can not just withstand such activities but thrive. Remember, babies whose mothers even abuse drugs usually make it through the pregnancy, or we wouldn’t have drug-addicted babies born, someone told me. 

All signs point to this baby not having the genetic makeup to continue to grow and progress and join us in the world out here like we so desperately wanted her to. We will ask for genetic testing to be done on all 24 chromosomes, at the recommendation of my IVF doctor, and hope that this will give us some answers.

This is all a horrible nightmare. We thought we were in the clear. We were out of the first trimester. One round of genetic testing came back clear, and she was growing normally.

I was, and am, beyond devastated.

Right next to me is the pink bonnet I was crocheting for her, a quarter finished.

It’s not just this baby that has been taken away from us and our family. It is the loss for our other child who was going to have a sister, a best friend for life. It is the love we have for her now and the knowledge that would only continue to grow infinitely. I was starting to see her going through all of her sister’s stages and was beyond and thrilled to put her in some of her clothes. I began ordering her some outfits here and there and I would look at the doll-like clothes and imagine her in them. I placed an order about a week ago that hasn’t even arrived yet. My husband will have to open it and send it back.

She’s still with me now. And it is the strangest feeling in the world because her perfect little lifeless body is all curled up and safe. But our time together, at least in the physical realm, is coming to an end. My D&E procedure is scheduled for today, just a few hours from now. I want the procedure to take place and at the same time, I do not want to give her up. It is one of the worst trials I have been through and we sure seem to have had our fair share in these last few years, our first few years of marriage.

I have to remember one thing: on the way to that appointment, I called my husband and told him how happy I was. How perfect I felt our life currently was, and that it was not any one thing I could put my finger on. She was a huge part of that because we were growing our family, but there were other things bringing me joy, too. I have to remember that those other positive aspects are still there, though they are dimmed by the shadow this sadness is casting. I have to remember how lucky and blessed we are to have a happy, healthy almost 20-month-old. I imagine going through this and not having her, like many couples do.

It’s too hard to see right now in the thick of it, but there is a reason for this.

Her little life has had—and will continue to have—meaning.

Originally published on the author’s blog.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Megan Swanek

 IVF × 4 = One miracle baby. OC, CA. Wife, mom, school counselor, runner, blogger, aspiring world traveler.

Dear New Mom, God Is Only a Whisper Away

In: Baby, Faith, Motherhood
New mother holding baby on couch, eyes closed

While we were waiting to adopt, I would wake up in the middle of the night panicky. My mind would wander to the thought of suddenly having a baby. With groggy eyes and a cobwebbed mind, I would ask myself, “Could I get up right now to go soothe a crying baby?” And then the insecurities would flood me as I thought through the difficulty of dragging myself out of bed to give milk to a fussy newborn. I didn’t know if I could.  With each application sent to agencies and social workers, the possibility of adopting a baby became more...

Keep Reading

To the Mom with Two under Two: You’ll Make It

In: Baby, Motherhood, Toddler
Toddler girl showing bubble wand to baby, color photo

Sweet friend, I know you feel like your world has exploded into chaos. Two under the age of two feels overwhelming. It’s like raising two babies, but one child gets into one thing after another. It feels endless. The diapers, the crying, the messes. But sweet mama, it gets better . . . so much better. Those sweet babies will grow up feeling like their sibling was always there. Your first will never remember life before a forever friend entered her life. They will grow up together and share sweet memories. RELATED: May They Be Siblings Who Stay Friends When...

Keep Reading

Can You Hear the Silent Cry of Bereaved Postpartum Mothers?

In: Baby, Grief, Loss
Crib in nursery

Trigger warning: post discusses death and loss The cool air shocked my sweltering face as I walked into the doors of Old Navy. My husband kept his hand on my back to remind me he was still with me amidst the summer hustle that was buzzing in the store. We were there for a shirt. A single shirt.  An embarrassing want that I was calling a need. I thought I would actually laugh at the situation once I got out of the house for the first time in a week.  Seven days before, I was lying on my back in...

Keep Reading

I Nearly Died after a Routine C-Section

In: Baby, Motherhood
Woman in operating room after C-section delivery

When my husband Dylan and I found out we were having a baby after having a miscarriage weeks earlier, we were ecstatic. Planning, enjoying our oldest son, and taking in the pregnancy, we didn’t understand my mounting fears and anxiety as the due date crept closer. I began having a reoccurring dream of dying on the table. This anxiety only worsened as we passed the point of the possibility of vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) delivery, and I began preparing for another cesarean section. The morning of, we arrived happy and nervous. I began to come to terms with this...

Keep Reading

You’re the One I Want to Raise My Babies with

In: Baby, Marriage
Mom and dad holding young daughter kiss

We didn’t realize the far-reaching effects of having our first child. We dreamed, planned, and imagined what our future life would be like with our daughter. What we couldn’t begin to understand is how much time would be taken away from us as a team. Our love of hiking still exists. Our love of travel still exists. Our love of quietly watching a movie still exists. But our priorities have shifted to spending as much time with our baby as possible. RELATED: Having a Baby Changes Everything in Marriage Parenting can be all-consuming. It takes every spare breath, every bit...

Keep Reading

Dear IVF Mama, You Are Not Alone

In: Baby, Motherhood
woman giving herself IVF injection

I had to be pregnant this time. It was our fourth and final IUI. I was late. I was hopeful. I would have moved mountains to avoid the emotional and financial turmoil of the IVF process. Sitting at dinner with friends, I started to cramp. I felt the color drain from my face as anxiety flooded my brain. I stood from my seat. In a mere moment, my hope shattered into a thousand tiny pieces right there on that bathroom floor. I tried to compose myself so I could return to my friends. But the tears kept coming—an involuntary avalanche...

Keep Reading

A Vasectomy Fail Wrecked Me in the Most Beautiful Way

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mom, dad, four boys, color photo

Has life ever thrown you a major curveball? The kind you wonder how you’re going to work your way through, yet you survive and come out the other side changed and transformed? It was 2019—we had a house full of three growing little boys (ages 5, 7, and 9). We were out of the sleepless nights, terrible twos, and diapers. I was finally able to enjoy watching my kids play sports (without chasing a toddler), and I was about to turn 40. I was ready for growth in my career, ready for more traveling with our kids, and staring at...

Keep Reading

When These NICU Days Are Over

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mom and nurse with baby in NICU, color photo

I’ve been where you are. I’ve been in a hospital bed, striving to keep my baby in for one more day as if concentrating hard enough would stop the contractions. I’ve been there while NICU doctors told me about survival rates as I stared at the hospital ceiling, looking at the beaming fluorescent lights, trying to fight the tears until they left the room. Thinking to myself, please God, keep him in one more day. And when one more day didn’t come, I sat in the dimly lit room filled with machines, incubators, and cords, so many cords. I’ve watched...

Keep Reading

Postpartum Rage Is Real

In: Baby, Motherhood
Husband, wife, and four children, color photo

Growing up, I always fantasized about my life with my children. I never thought I would be the mom who yells or curses at her children. I envisioned I would be the gentle parent who always reacted calmly and never shamed my kids for accidents. Then while in the midst of being postpartum with my fourth baby, it hit me. “Did I really just curse at my child for spilling their milk?” This was not me, this was not my parenting style. I felt so ashamed and worthless. Those feelings were enough to help me realize I needed help. Overcoming...

Keep Reading

There’s No Hard like NICU Hard

In: Baby, Motherhood
Three women and two toddlers, color photo

To the mamas and daddies navigating the NICU: There’s no hard like NICU hard. Seeing your spanking-new beloved placed in a glass bassinet and rolled away from your aching breasts and empty arms—it’s the absolute hardest. No one who hasn’t been there can possibly understand. But many of us out here get it. We understand your emotions—the tangled and tied-up ones that unraveled in that bassinet’s wake. Fear, anger, frustration, helplessness, sorrow. You feel like a failure. You feel completely undone. Defeated.  But you’re not even one of those things. You are parents, and parents are practically superhuman. You have...

Keep Reading