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I Take This Anxiety Medication Without Shame

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By Courtney Devich

Woman's hand with small, white pill, black-and-white photo — Image via Courtney Devich

Hello, old friend.

It’s been a while, I know. Three years to be exact.

I didn’t think I needed you anymore. Life was going OK. I was handling it all just fine. The pressures of work and everyday life were not getting to me. I even moved across the country and had my life turned upside down . . . and I still was doing just fine.

But my situation has changed as of late. You see, there’s something outside the walls of my house that could harm my children. It’s something I can’t see, something I can’t easily avoid, and the fear of it taking my children has crippled me.

RELATED: That Anxiety You’re Feeling is Real—There is Zero Shame in Saying You’re Exhausted

It makes me anxious whenever I’m around others. Simple things like getting the mail or taking a walk near neighbors can make my heart race and my face starts getting hot.

Life overall is different from the last time we met, friend.

It’s no longer the pressures of work, but it’s the children who get me anxious since they are now my full-time job. All of the screaming and crying, all day long. It makes my chest tight and makes me snap at them which results in more tears (from both sides if I’m being honest).

I don’t sleep much these days either. My mind races when I try to sleep. I can’t even make it through my nightly prayers without being sidetracked multiple times and constantly apologizing to God as He’s listening to my rambling thoughts of worry. I’m afraid to shut my eyes for fear of what could happen in the night, every little noise spooks me like a little child.

RELATED: Anxiety Says Be Afraid; God Says I Am With You

Friend, I just want to fall asleep right as my head hits the pillow and stay asleep for a good eight hours. (I would settle for six hours if I’m being honest.)

I’ve looked to God for help and prayed that He put my anxious heart to rest. I’ve read my Bible and all that He says about fear and anxiety, but He knows I don’t ask for help. He knows I’m stubborn and that I want to do everything on my own, so He’s steering me to you.

He’s telling me to reach out, seek the help, and don’t go at it alone. He’s saying you don’t need to struggle anymore because you’re too prideful to get help.

So, here I am, friend. I’m asking you to help me again. I don’t want to snap at my children and be angry at them. I don’t want to have an anxiety attack in the drive-thru of a Starbucks. Something so simple should be a pleasure and a treat and not something that brings me to my knees. I don’t want to cry because it’s too shattering to do something as simple as seeing family members. I don’t want to lose sleep at night because I can’t turn my brain off from all the worry.

RELATED: I Take This Little White Pill

Yes, I have anxiety, and I’m not able to control it or suppress it any longer by myself. I have anxiety and it’s hard to say it’s a problem again and I need your help, but here I am. Part of me feels like a failure for asking you to help again, but I know I can’t live like this anymore.

So here I am again, friend, asking for your help. I have anxiety, and I need medication to help me deal with it. Help me cope with everyday life so I can experience normal again.

Help me, friend.

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page

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Courtney Devich

Courtney Devich is the author of "Mama's Got Anxiety," and she relies on Jesus and reheated coffee every day. Using humor, honesty, and relatability in her writing, she writes with a heart for the mama struggling with anxiety and depression. Courtney is a former human resources professional, using her leadership skills to manage kids as a stay-at-home mom. You can find her in the Starbucks line at her local Target, binge-watching TV with her husband, or chasing after a kid (or two) at her home in Michigan.

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I Take This Anxiety Medication Without Shame

RELATED: That Anxiety You’re Feeling is Real—There is Zero Shame in Saying You’re Exhausted

Life overall is different from the last time we met, friend.

RELATED: Anxiety Says Be Afraid; God Says I Am With You

He’s telling me to reach out, seek the help, and don’t go at it alone. He’s saying you don’t need to struggle anymore because you’re too prideful to get help.

RELATED: I Take This Little White Pill

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Courtney Devich

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I Take This Anxiety Medication Without Shame

Life overall is different from the last time we met, friend.

He’s telling me to reach out, seek the help, and don’t go at it alone. He’s saying you don’t need to struggle anymore because you’re too prideful to get help.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

I Lost My Sight at 16—But It Wasn’t the End of My Vision

Ministry Starts Inside Your Own Four Walls

These Holy Small Things

Life Lessons from My Grown Children

My Prayer Is Simple Now: “I Believe; Help My Unbelief.”

Your Worth Is Not Someone Else’s To Measure

Lord, Give Me Faith Like Hannah

God Carries Me Through the Deep Waters of Change

Faith After a Rare Disease Diagnosis

What If I Don’t Hear God’s Voice?

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