By Karen Johnson 
Like many clever SNL skits, you don’t even know it’s not an actual commercial until you’re 20 seconds in. All of a sudden you see actors you recognize, the script takes a sinister turn, and you realize the iconic Saturday night TV show has done it again.
This time it’s a spoof on a Macy’s ad, complete with “men’s blazers for $49.99, cashmere tops for her from $79.99, and for your little ones, Macy’s has the festive fashions that will have them saying, ‘It’s too hooooottttt!’ and, ‘It itches!'” (and just generally cry because they’re toddlers and you tried putting them in vests and khakis).
Perfection. Just watch:
You know it’s not Christmas until Macy’s offers “25% off of boys’ Merino wool sweaters that won’t fit over his head” and “40% off cozy corduroys that will pinch his little nuts.”
Parents everywhere spit their coffee (or wine) as this could not be more true. We all feel pressure to dress our families up on holidays, knowing full well that our kids who already melt down over who gets the green bowl on regular Tuesdays when wearing comfortable sweats and leggings are definitely not going to tolerate sweater tights or wool around their necks. (Even if their outfit has cute candy canes dancing on it.)
But HOW CUTE ARE THEY? we say, as we quickly snap pics before the toddler smears chocolate on her sparkly white dress and the baby has a blow-out through his reindeer onesie.
Macy’s thankfully also offers “1/2 off all hard, shiny shoes that hurt” (to which our fave SNL actress Kate McKinnon says, “Welcome to being a woman, Kylie”), everyday savings on “mittens they’ll lose” and “shirts with the wrong Frozen princess” (sorry Anna).
Probably the most real “sale” that fake Macy’s offers is the romper “she’ll never get off in time.” Because every parent knows that super awesome feeling of dressing their kid up in something adorable and IG-worthy that Grandma will gush over, only to have her pee through it because it has actual, real buttons that take no less than 16 minutes to undo each time.
So hashtag blessed.
Macy’s has our back though, offering everything that makes our kids uncomfortable (and therefore miserable), including “sweaters that make them hot, flannels that make them hot, and scarves that make them hot,” because nothing is better than an over-stimulated, over-sugared child who is also sweating, and has a scratchy tag, amirite?”
Also at a discount are enormous coats that don’t fit in the car seat straps and make us say un-Jesusy words on Christmas as well as boots that are “so hard to put on they’ll strain your marriage.”
So very merry!
And in typical SNL parenting skit fashion, the cast closes out this hilarity with our favorite “Enjoy it because you’ll miss this someday” message by telling all parents who’ve functioned on 3 hours of sleep every night since November and drained their bank account to buy 900 LOL dolls to “suck it up” and “head on down to Macy’s.”
And you know what? We probably will.
Because even though the money we spent on festive flannels and shiny little girl shoes is a total waste, it makes you happy to turn your feral orangutan children into well-polished humanoids for a day. (Or an hour. Or like 11 minutes.) I mean, how else will you prove to Brenda from the PTO your family sort of has their you-know-what together?
Happy holidays and happy shopping! (We think the snowflake cardigans are going to be a big hit with 3-year-old boys this year!)
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