An open letter to the silent victims of my depression and anxiety: my kids and husband.⁣⁣⁣

I know my anxiety and depression is hard to live with. I know I’m not the only one who suffers from it. Because it also affects you. ⁣⁣⁣

I see your faces when I say, “No, I don’t feel like doing much today.” Or, “No, I don’t feel like getting out of bed until 12 in the afternoon.” ⁣⁣⁣

I see the disappointment on your faces when I snap a little too quickly. Or get a little too nervous going out with you. ⁣⁣

I see the sadness in your faces when I can quickly turn something that is supposed to be fun into something planned, anxiety-filled, and nerve-wracking. ⁣⁣⁣

I know it can be hard to deal with. I know I can never “go with the flow”. I know everything needs to be planned out. I know I always need to know what exact time we are leaving, who will be there, and what we are doing. I know I don’t like surprises. ⁣⁣⁣

I know the focus can be on me a lot. Making sure I am comfortable, making sure I’m not anxious or overwhelmed. ⁣⁣⁣

I know we don’t talk about how you feel about it a lot. ⁣⁣⁣

I know you have had to miss many things because of me. ⁣⁣⁣

But what I also know is that I probably wouldn’t be here without your continued love and support. ⁣⁣⁣

I know my mental illness also affects you.⁣⁣

I know sometimes you just want to ask me, “Why are you like this?!” But you don’t. You know “Mommy just gets nervous or tired sometimes.” ⁣⁣⁣

I know you get angry, sad, and mad at me. But you never say anything to make me feel less than. ⁣⁣

⁣You are the reason I cope with my mental illness. ⁣⁣⁣

I live with it. I have good days and bad days. Because of your support, I have more good days. ⁣⁣⁣

I know you are the silent victims in my mental illness story, but I want you to know you’re the main part of why I still continue to fight. ⁣⁣⁣

I know my anxiety and depression affect you, too. Mental health affects the whole family. Not just me. ⁣⁣⁣

But, for now, I say thank you. For being the rock I need. For being the most supportive family. ⁣⁣⁣

I know you suffer, too, and for that I am sorry. ⁣⁣⁣

I am trying. 

This post originally appeared on Caitlin Fladager 

 

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Caitlin Fladager

I’m a 25 year old mom to two amazing kids. I’m married to my high school sweetheart. I got pregnant when I was 18, and married when I was 20. I started early on most things in life, but I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I’m an advocate for mental health and self love.