Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

I sit down in front of my husband, baby on my hip, exhausted from the day.

He wants me to listen to something.

Oh gosh. What is it this time?

A Christmastime grin spreads across his face as a familiar melody floods the room: Lotus Flower Bomb by Walé.

My first thought: we don’t listen to secular music anymore.

My second thought: stop being overly religious. Enjoy the song that comes with so many memories with him.

Wait. Memories.

As in years ago when I was a cute 18-year-old girl, sitting in his passenger seat, singing along to every word.

Why would he play this nostalgic song?

Does he feel the now version of me is less than?

Does he even like how I look anymore?

Does he miss when I didn’t have stretch marks dancing across my body, as proof of the three children I’ve carried?

Does he want the old me back?

So I start to cry because I realize I’ll never be that girl again.

Now it’s awkward.

He’s puzzled as to why I’m not enjoying it as much as he is.

I sit still and try to come up with any excuse, every excuse, as to why tears are pouring down my face.

But what comes out is: “I just miss those days. When we had time for each other. And you didn’t come home to me looking a hot mess with spit-up on my shirt. I haven’t looked pretty in so long, I used to always look pretty.”


That was the best I had at trying to cover up what I was feeling.

He says things like, “I don’t care about that, I love you, that doesn’t matter to me, we’ll have more dates again one day, this is just a season.”

Then I stand up and start walking away.

And right on cue, my postpartum belly jiggles with each step, as if to say in agreement, You’ll never be that girl again.

Then suddenly, right as I’m on the brink of a breakdown, the reality of my 18-year-old self makes a home in my mind.

I was an obnoxious, careless, self-centered, mean-spirited girl.

Oh yes, I was mean.

I have old Facebook messages to prove it.

And yet, my husband loved me.

And yet, my husband married me.

And yet, my husband wanted to have children with me.

Gratefulness enters into my heart.

So my belly and I walk down the hallway, where my two of my children are sleeping.

And as I hold my son on my hip, gazing at the door that will open to showcase my little girls sleeping soundly,

I feel honored to be a mom.

That 18-year-old girl was longing to love and be loved, unaware of what that actually would look like.

But now . . . I am walking in the very life my heart desired for so many years.

So I smile.

Because thank God I’ll never be that girl again.

You may also like:

Dear Husband, I’m Not the Same Girl You Married

Here We Are, My Love, In the Season of Parenting Little Ones

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Taressa Mixon

Hello! I’m a Stay At Home Mom of 3 little ones, with a passion for writing out my daily life. I love all things Worship, and music in general is life to me. 

Marry the Man Who Glues the Pieces Back Together

In: Marriage
Man gluing broken object, color photo

This is my husband. Quietly sitting on the morning after Thanksgiving. In the midst of a post-holiday hosting mess. Surrounded by an over-tired, over-stimulated, and over-active preschooler. Next to a wife who is already at her breaking point before the clock has even struck noon. But he is the quiet calm in the chaos. Sitting here delicately and deliberately gluing back together the tiny pieces of a broken soldier. Taking every single shard of plastic and expertly putting it back together—just right. His head, and his heart, have fully committed to making this better. Making sure there are no broken...

Keep Reading

Once Upon a Time You Got All of Me

In: Marriage, Motherhood
Husband and wife on wedding day, color photo

First there was us, and now it’s them. We have four little hands that need us, and it’s so hard to get lost in parenthood and forget that at once upon a time it was me and you. I promise you, it won’t always be like this. It won’t always be this hard. I remember when we would go for leisurely walks and long Sunday brunches. Now it takes us an hour to leave the house for a 15-minute walk. I want so badly to spend hours lying in bed, talking like we used to, but now I’m so tired...

Keep Reading

I Hold the Hand of a Hardworking Man

In: Marriage
Wife and husband holding hands, color photo

I’m blessed to be married to a blue-collar man—he carries our burdens and worries on strong shoulders and our hopes and dreams in his hard-working hands. Those hands keep the bills paid and a roof over our heads, but it doesn’t come without sacrifice—long days gone, mud on my floors, sawdust in pockets, and grit and grime in my sink, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s living his dream, and I’m cheering him on, doing my best to hold down the fort we call home. Beaten and battered, scarred and weathered, these hands are still gentle enough...

Keep Reading

What Happens When She Wants Another Baby and He Does Not?

In: Faith, Marriage, Motherhood
Husband and wife, pregnancy photo, color photo

I am on my knees, folded over, with my head resting on the carpet. I am in my closet, which doesn’t see much of the vacuum, and it is the only place I can find to sob out of sight. I feel hollowed out and defeated as if I have run a marathon and was cut short at the finish line. I cry out in prayer, pleading with God to soften the heart of my husband. I desperately want another child, and he desperately does not. I take a deep breath and dry my eyes because my 4-year-old outside the...

Keep Reading

Is Your Marriage on Cruise Control?

In: Faith, Marriage
Couple holding hands in car, above view

Cruising down the road, the highway curled before us like a ribbon into the horizon. Cozy road trips are a staple for my husband and me, and we look forward to the time together. Having been married for 37 years the adventure continues! We have loved each other through the ups and downs, and we have learned a lot about relationships. We also made a point of carefully watching successful relationships and surrounding ourselves with those whose marriages flourished. Nowadays, we have many young couples ask us what it takes to keep a marriage vibrant. One of the key ingredients...

Keep Reading

It’s Never Really about the Purse

In: Marriage
Purse sitting on counter, color photo

Last night, I lost my mind when you asked if I could try to keep my purses put away. You weren’t unkind. You weren’t upset. You even put the offending purse away for me. But asking me to put it away wasn’t the problem. It was the timing. I was gone all weekend hosting some writing friends for a mini writing retreat. I was home one day trying to catch up on all the things one gets behind on: laundry, groceries, and cleaning. The next day the kids had off school, so I took them to the museum for the...

Keep Reading

You’ve Never Stopped Loving Me

In: Marriage
The Worst of Me

My favorite picture of our wedding makes me sad. It sits on the top shelf in our living room. Next to it, is a seashell my dad gave my mom when they used to be married. There’s a rolled-up newspaper and a mishmash of toys next to it. In it, your hair is thicker; my body is younger. In it, are people who stood next to us that day, loved us, introduced us—some we no longer talk to. In it, I’m laughing and holding my best friend’s hand. That sunny day in Mexico surrounded by 99 of our most important...

Keep Reading

Every Type A Needs a Type B Person in Their Life

In: Friendship, Living, Marriage
Friends smiling

I spend a lot of time making lists, whether they are in my head, written on a piece of paper, or on my phone and laptop. Lists about what needs to be done today, later this week, or even a few months down the road. Even when I check off all the items on my list, more things pop up. There are always things demanding my attention. Initially, I thought having a list—or multiple lists—was a good thing. I felt organized and in charge of things. But when the lists started creeping their way into other facets of my life,...

Keep Reading

The L Is on the Mantel

In: Living, Marriage
Mantel showing Christmas decorations

This holiday season has been a little more exciting, stressful, chaotic, sleepless, and wonderful than any I can remember aside from the one when John and I were engaged and the four that welcomed our new babies to their first Christmases. In early November, we took a ride to look at a house I had seen online. It seemed promising from the description:  smaller yard, main floor laundry, an open floor plan, a direct route to our youngest child, her husband, and our youngest grandboys: an 8-year-old and his twin 3-year-old brothers. For the first time in recent home searches,...

Keep Reading

We Cope with the Stress

In: Living, Marriage
Woman on horse, black-and-white photo

We handle it differently. The stress. It’s the sight that initiates it. That dry brown ground. I start at a simmer, anger quickly rising up. Soon, I am at a rolling boil, and then I explode. Tears streaming down my face, I scream out my frustrations and end up dredging up every hurtful thing that has ever happened. I am rip-roaring mad at the entire world. I have been told I am too emotional like it is a badge of dishonor “Knock it off.” “Get your act together.” “Hold it together.” But it is just who I am.  He knows...

Keep Reading