The Key to a Thriving Marriage Isn’t Sex—It’s Intimacy

My husband and I have shared a FAR from perfect union. We are passionate about each other, yet there have been times we have fought like titans.

For a long time it seemed as though we fought about EVERYTHING, except one thing: S.E.X.

When everything else was chaos, it often seemed that was the one thing we could get right. Even seven years and three kids later amid all the chaos of life, it is still something we get right.

I’m always hesitant to talk about our love life because even though I write my life for the world to see, my husband and I are pretty private, especially him. (He read this before I hit publish)

However, as I continue to see how the world pushes a narrative of hot, steamy, savage, selfish sex. I feel the need to share a little more (obviously the details remain in our union). 

The truth is, I believe sex has not been an issue because of God’s grace, but also because of the power of intimacy.

To take it even further, I believe we have a passionate, thriving sexual intimacy with each other because of two things we do that often don’t involve sex: since our wedding night we always showered together and slept naked (or in just undies since babies climb in bed too).

At 21, we were just taking advantage of our married privileges. Unable to keep our hands off the other. It was the start of our sexual intimacy. As time has passed, what we once simply viewed as privilege is now an integral part of our day.

Most nights there’s nothing sexy about our shower together. It’s not fancy. Just a husband and wife standing in a 1980s tub/shower combo, often talking—really talking—for the first time in a day.

We’ve shared our dreams. We’ve made plans for our home. We’ve caught up on the details of each other’s days. All while switching back and forth in the water.

Sometimes, our shower is a place of honest communication. Standing there naked and vulnerable kind of causes a person to get it all out. There have been times we have expressed resentment or hurt. Other times he’s held me as I’ve wept beneath the water. The communication in the shower is restorative. We express, we accept, discuss further, apologize, forgive, and heal.

We’ve learned each other’s bodies. I’ve washed his wounds from a game, and he’s supported me after I’ve given birth. He tells me when I still have makeup on my face, and I wipe the remaining wash from the back of his shoulders.

It is in that little tub that we realize we have nothing to hide. There is no shame. There is no facade. It’s simply us.

After our shower, we climb into bed naked or mostly naked. He puts his arm around me as our bodies mold together. Some nights, that’s it. We have our goodnight kiss, say our “You’re my hero”/“You’re my treasure” lines and go to sleep.

The world portrays everything that has to do with nakedness in a sexually perverted way. Rarely is intimacy shown, because the world believes only through sex can intimacy be achieved.

However, it is intimacy that achieves better sex. It is intimacy that builds a stronger marriage.

It’s intimacy in knowing your spouse’s body better than you know your own.
It’s intimacy in open and vulnerable communication.
It’s intimacy in forgiveness and grace.
It’s intimacy in growing old and changing together.
It’s intimacy in sharing hopes and dreams.
It’s intimacy in being in sync.
It’s intimacy in seeking sex that honors the Lord and what He created it to be.
It’s intimacy in being able to lie together, naked and unashamed, experiencing a bit of Eden in your own union.

It is because of our intimacy, often strengthened in the shower, that we have been able to have a thriving, selfless, passionate, honest, joyful, beautiful love affair.

It’s because of our intimacy with each other and our Savior that we have made it when everything else has tried to pull us apart.

The world doesn’t need more carnal narratives. The world doesn’t need more impractical, unrealistic sexual expectations. Marriage doesn’t need any more pressure.

Marriages need thriving sex.
Marriages need vulnerability.
Marriages need intimacy.

There is no greater gift we can give each other than the intertwining of our souls through the intimacy of our union.

 

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I Don’t Want Sex, but I Still Want Intimacy

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