To my Poppy,

Even though we never met I can clearly picture you.

I can see my dimples in your cheeks when you smile and your dad’s bright eyes twinkle as you master a new skill.

I can hear your giggles as you discover the world around you.

I can feel your pudgy hand in mine as we walk through the park.

If life would have gone according to my plan, you would be here by my side rather than an image in my mind.

But it didn’t. 

For a long time, I questioned why. 

Why were you a part of me for such a short period of time? 

Why did God take you so soon? 

Why did my body fail?

RELATED: Dear Carrie Underwood and All Other Loss Moms, You’re Allowed to be Angry About Your Miscarriages

I couldn’t comprehend the purpose of your loss.

All I felt was painphysical, emotional, and mental. 

I screamed out at God at the unfairness of it all. 

I found myself turning away from Him, not understanding how He could be so cruel. 

I had a hard time accepting God’s plan and believed He had made a mistake.

But you knew.

You knew that even though you would never be born here on Earth your existence would still have an impact on many lives.

You knew I needed you to show me I was meant to be a mother.

You knew there was a baby waiting for us who would become our son.

A little boy who needed a family as much as we needed him.

When I held him I finally knew.

He was put in my arms because of you.

There are moments when the tears still flow like when I think of how old you would be or when my eye catches the sparkle of the Christmas ornament we had made to celebrate your arrival.

But no longer are they strictly tears of sadness. They are also tears of love, understanding, and gratefulness.

I now understand that even though your existence was short, your purpose was immense. 

I’ve never been good with giving up the reins of control, but I had no choice because I was never the one in the driver’s seat, God was and always will be.

No matter how short a time frame it was, your presence was a gift from Him.

Hearing and seeing your heartbeat was a gift

Having the time to give you a nickname was a gift. 

Realizing we were meant to be parents was a gift. 

So while some may say I “lost my baby,” I know exactly where you are.

In my heart, my soul, and in His arms. 

RELATED: You Were Here My Angel

I know one day we will meet and the time we missed here on Earth won’t compare to the infinite time we will have together. 

I love you, my sweet, Poppy.

Forever yours,

Mommy 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Laura Niebauer Palmer

Laura lives in TX with her husband and son. She has written for Chicken Soup For The Soul, Scary Mommy and The Penny Hoarder and is working on her first children's book.

A Rainbow Baby Brings Hope, But Doesn’t Erase the Pain of Miscarriage

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Two photos of children and notecard on dashboard of car, color photo

Each morning when I get into my car, I throw my purse into the passenger seat, set my coffee down in the cupholder, and look up to see it. Sitting next to the speedometer, nestled between photos of two tiny faces, is the yellowish, faded card from the flowers he sent me after our first miscarriage. Being a man of few words, it is not lengthy, but a needed reminder. It ends, “We can handle anything together,” and somehow, even in the eighth year of chaotic and rushed mornings following that day, it manages to ground me. It stings to...

Keep Reading

I Had a Miscarriage

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Ultrasound image miscarriage

I watch the needle slide into my arm and feel nothing. It’s fascinating, in a way, this numbness settling over me. I wear it like armor as the nurse tries to make small talk below the tourniquet. I marvel at the sight of my blood, rich and deep red, snaking its way through the tube in my skin and into the waiting vial. I’ve seen that blood already today. Finally, I look away. I’m having a miscarriage. RELATED: A Mother’s Love Can’t Be Measured in Weeks Thirty minutes earlier, I’m in a darkened ultrasound room, my husband at one side,...

Keep Reading

10 Gift Ideas To Support a Friend Through Miscarriage

In: Friendship, Grief, Loss
Friend hugging sad friend

Most of us know someone who has been touched by miscarriage. Maybe it’s a friend, a family member, or you have gone through this yourself. Current statistics show that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.  My husband and I, as many of you reading this, are 1 in 4. In 2018, at just shy of 20 weeks of pregnancy, we unexpectedly lost our son, Josiah. While extremely difficult as we were processing through our grief, we were overwhelmed by the love and support of friends and family throughout that time. Each person showed their love and support in their...

Keep Reading