To my Poppy,

Even though we never met I can clearly picture you.

I can see my dimples in your cheeks when you smile and your dad’s bright eyes twinkle as you master a new skill.

I can hear your giggles as you discover the world around you.

I can feel your pudgy hand in mine as we walk through the park.

If life would have gone according to my plan, you would be here by my side rather than an image in my mind.

But it didn’t. 

For a long time, I questioned why. 

Why were you a part of me for such a short period of time? 

Why did God take you so soon? 

Why did my body fail?

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I couldn’t comprehend the purpose of your loss.

All I felt was painphysical, emotional, and mental. 

I screamed out at God at the unfairness of it all. 

I found myself turning away from Him, not understanding how He could be so cruel. 

I had a hard time accepting God’s plan and believed He had made a mistake.

But you knew.

You knew that even though you would never be born here on Earth your existence would still have an impact on many lives.

You knew I needed you to show me I was meant to be a mother.

You knew there was a baby waiting for us who would become our son.

A little boy who needed a family as much as we needed him.

When I held him I finally knew.

He was put in my arms because of you.

There are moments when the tears still flow like when I think of how old you would be or when my eye catches the sparkle of the Christmas ornament we had made to celebrate your arrival.

But no longer are they strictly tears of sadness. They are also tears of love, understanding, and gratefulness.

I now understand that even though your existence was short, your purpose was immense. 

I’ve never been good with giving up the reins of control, but I had no choice because I was never the one in the driver’s seat, God was and always will be.

No matter how short a time frame it was, your presence was a gift from Him.

Hearing and seeing your heartbeat was a gift

Having the time to give you a nickname was a gift. 

Realizing we were meant to be parents was a gift. 

So while some may say I “lost my baby,” I know exactly where you are.

In my heart, my soul, and in His arms. 

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I know one day we will meet and the time we missed here on Earth won’t compare to the infinite time we will have together. 

I love you, my sweet, Poppy.

Forever yours,

Mommy 

Laura Niebauer Palmer

Laura lives in Austin with her husband and son where she enjoys writing, being involved in her local church and attempting to find the perfect chocolate chip recipe! She has written for Chicken Soup For The Soul, Scary Mommy and The Penny Hoarder along with sharing her adoption story on her blog.