Alright, parents of tweens and young teens, I’m going to let some of you in on something.

I recently spoke with a woman who raised five kids, and her youngest went to college this year. She’s seen it all.

I was telling her about some of the struggles my kids had seen at middle school — social pressures, sexual innuendo at every turn, bullying, discussions about drugs and alcohol, group texts that went off the rails, etc.

I asked how she talked to her kids about these things, how did she get through to them when they acted embarrassed and didn’t want to discuss these issues.

And she said something that I thought was profound. “Whatever you think your kid knows about a topic, add twenty percent.”

“What?” I responded.

“We all think our kids are naïve. We all think our kids haven’t been exposed to certain things. We all think that when we talk to our kids about something, they tell us the truth. But they don’t. In fact, they can’t. I mean, who really wants to talk about this stuff with their Mom? So, whatever you think they know about a topic, assume they know twenty percent more, and start there.”

And she’s right. Whether we want to admit it or not, our children are exposed to so much more through other kids than we can ever grasp — and they are putting it all together.

So, although they don’t have a grasp of sex, they may have an idea of what 69 is because other kids giggle when they hear that number.

Or, they may not share their personal feelings with you yet, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a crush.

Or, even though they know the dangers of smoking and would never try it, that doesn’t mean they haven’t seen the latest e-cigarette and heard that “it’s not as bad as real cigarettes.”

Or, while you may never swear at home, that doesn’t mean your kid isn’t experimenting with some colorful language while out in the world.

Add twenty percent. To everything. Even if you can’t fathom it.

This is important stuff. We can’t go around thinking our kids are naïve. We can’t go around thinking they don’t understand. We can’t stop ourselves from having important conversations because we don’t believe they are ready.

Every bit of research regarding how to reduce risky behavior in teens points to one thing: adults who have regular conversations with kids about said behaviors.

Demystify sex. Be honest about drugs and alcohol. Talk about the legal implications of sexting. Discuss how to have a healthy romantic relationship. Learn about the dangers of vaping and juuling.

Share your views, but be open to theirs. Talk about lifelong implications but don’t threaten recourse for every misstep. Provide insight into mistakes you made and how it impacted your life.

Add twenty percent more than you are comfortable discussing with your kids, because that’s what they know.

I’m not saying it’s not going to be hard, but that’s when the magic happens, right? 

Your kids know twenty percent more than you think. And if you don’t believe me, find out for yourself. I was surprised when I tackled a few topics.

I know we all want to keep our kids little, but unfortunately because everyone parents differently, this gets tough in middle school.

You have two choices: you can talk to your kids about this stuff, or they can learn it from their friends.

It’s up to you to decide what information you want your kid to digest.

Start talking to your kids, and then add twenty percent.

What you get back in return will be worth so much more.

This article originally appeared on Playdates on Fridays

 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Whitney Fleming

Whitney is a mom of three teen daughters, a freelance writer, and co-partner of the site parentingteensandtweens.com You can find her on Facebook at WhitneyFlemingWrites.

I Had to Learn to Say “I’m Sorry” to My Kids

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Mom hugs tween daughter

My two oldest kiddos are at the front end of their teen years. I remember that time in my own life. I was loud, somewhat dramatic, I let my hormones control me, and I never—ever—apologized. This last part was because no one ever really taught me the value of apology or relationship repair. Now, I could do some parent blaming here but let’s be real, if you were a kid whose formative years were scattered between the late ’80s and early ’90s, did you get apologies from your parents? If so, count that blessing! Most parents were still living with...

Keep Reading

5 Things Your Child’s Kindergarten Teacher Wants You To Know

In: Kids, Motherhood
Child raising hand in kindergarten class

I am a teacher. I have committed my life to teaching children. Of course, before I began this career, I had visions of standing in front of a group of eager-eyed children and elaborating on history, science, and math lessons. I couldn’t wait to see the “lightbulb” moments when students finally understood a reading passage or wrote their first paper. And then I had my first day. Children are not cut out of a textbook (shocking, I know) but as a young 23-year-old, it knocked me right off my feet. I was thrown into the lion’s den, better known as...

Keep Reading

To the Extended Family That Shows Up: We Couldn’t Do This Without You

In: Kids, Living, Motherhood
Family visiting new baby in a hospital room

This picture—my heart all but bursts every time I see it.  It was taken five years ago on the day our daughter was born. In it, my husband is giving her her very first bath while our proud extended family looks on. It was a sweet moment on a hugely special day, but gosh–what was captured in this photo is so much more than that. This photo represents everything I could have ever hoped for my kids: That they would have an extended family who shows up in their lives and loves them so deeply.  That they would have grandparents,...

Keep Reading

You’re Almost Grown, But You’re Always Welcome Back Home

In: Kids, Motherhood
Teen in room studying with computer and smartphone

Dear child, In the days before you could walk or talk, there were times when you would wail—when my rocking and shushing and bouncing were seemingly futile—but it didn’t matter. Each day and night, multiple times, I always picked you up and welcomed you back into my arms. As a toddler and a preschooler, you had some pretty epic meltdowns. There were times when you would thrash and scream, and all I could do was stand by and wait for the storm to blow over. Eventually, you would run to me, and I would welcome you back with a warm embrace....

Keep Reading

No One Warned Me About the Last Baby

In: Baby, Kids, Motherhood
Mother holding newborn baby, black-and-white photo

No one warned me about the last baby. When I had my first, my second, and my third, those first years were blurry from sleep deprivation and chaos from juggling multiple itty-bitties. But the last baby? There’s a desperation in that newborn fog to soak it up because there won’t be another. No one warned me about the last baby. Selling the baby swing and donating old toys because we wouldn’t need them crushed me. I cried selling our double jogger and thought my heart would split in two when I dropped off newborn clothes. Throwing out pacifiers and bottles...

Keep Reading

Parents Are Terrible Salespeople for Parenting

In: Kids, Motherhood
Tired mother with coffee cup on table, child sitting next to her

As the years of fertility start to wane, many of my childless peers are confronted with the question, “Should I have kids?” With hesitation, they turn to us parents who, frankly, seem overwhelmingly unhappy. They ask sheepishly, “Is it worth it?” We lift our heads up, bedraggled, bags under our eyes, covered in boogers and sweat and spit up, we mutter, “Of course! It’s so fulfilling!” It’s like asking a hostage if they like their captor. Sure, it’s great. We love them. But our eyes are begging for liberation. Save me, please. I haven’t slept through the night in years....

Keep Reading

Soak in the Moments because Babies Don’t Keep

In: Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Roller coaster photo, color photo

I love marking the moments, the ones that count—making a note and storing them for memory. But I often miss out on them when it comes to our oldest. ⁣ ⁣The day he wanted to be baptized, I was at home with another kiddo who was sick. He called me from church excitedly, emphasizing he was ready and didn’t want to wait. I couldn’t argue with that, so I watched him go underwater through videos my husband and sweet friends in the congregation took. ⁣ ⁣On the day of his fifth-grade graduation, we found ourselves at the pediatrician’s office. Instead...

Keep Reading

Sometimes a Kid Just Needs a Sick Day

In: Kids, Motherhood
Little boy outside, color photo

My middle son stayed home from school today. He said he was sick. I’m not sure that is the truth. I was lucky enough to have a mom who was an amazing caretaker, especially when you were sick. She pulled out all the stops. A cozy clean space to be, a thermos with ice cold juice by your side, Mrs. Grass’s soup, and Days of Our Lives on the screen while she tidied up the house. It was the best feeling in the world to be home and cozy with my mom when I was sick. It felt cozy and...

Keep Reading

Sometimes We Need Someone to Just Sit With Us in Our Struggle

In: Kids, Motherhood
Sad woman sits on floor, black and white image

Early this morning, I told (yelled is more accurate) my sons to get up with the same furious ferocity I use every morning when I realize they should be ready to go, but are still unconsciously snoozing away. One son lazily said, “I’m up, Mom” (even though he was very much not up). The other son, who typically has no problems getting up, had overslept and immediately freaked out, thinking he would be late to school. He proceeded to have a mini-meltdown from the dark recesses of his bedroom. That overflowed into the hallway where I found him lying face-down,...

Keep Reading

Daughter of Mine, Do Not Let the World Extinguish Your Fire

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young daughter, color photo

Daughter of mine, I see the fire behind your eyes. Do not let it die. Daughter of mine who runs wildly and loves freely and whose anger is always whipping silently just under the surface like a pilot light, ready to ignite with one tiny spark. Do not let it die. RELATED: There is Wild Beauty in This Spirited Child of Mine Daughter of mine, one day you will become a woman, and the world will try to steal you and mold you and tell you who to become. Do not let it. It will try to fit you in...

Keep Reading