I’m So Tired of Not Knowing What To Do

I’m over it. Not really. Not completely. But I feel that way right now. In this moment.

Over it. 

Sometimes, I look around and it feels like we aren’t living in a pandemic, but we most definitely are. And I can’t figure out how to make decisions anymore, but I most definitely have to.

We found out we need to make our decision for the kid’s second semester of school later this week. Didn’t I just make this decision for first semester? How can it be time to make this decision for second semester already? 

And I look around and it feels like everything is back to normal, but then I see the numbers and I know it’s not normal. Not really. 

No matter what we think, we are still living in a pandemic. 

I have autoimmune diseases, and I have no idea how my body will respond to this virus. Am I living in fear? No. But I’m trying to be realistic. I’m trying not to put myself, or my family members, at risk unnecessarily. Because we just don’t know. 

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And I feel like this isn’t going to last forever. I think I just need to be patient. Just hold tight a little longer. And then sometimes I feel like, when will this end? 

Friends, I’m tired. And I’m weary. Two of our four children want to go to school second semester, and I feel like saying, OK, let’s just send them. And then I think but what if they get sick? What about my kids with asthma? What about my daughter with the lung abnormality? And what about my autoimmune diseases? What about all of that? They’ve done fine this semester learning from home. Is it really worth the risk?

And I don’t want to make another decision. I make a decision and then it’s time to make another. 

I want to be relaxed and feel like this isn’t a big deal. I want to be able to say yes to everything, but people are dying, and I don’t know how my high-risk family members are going to respond. And when I look out and it feels like all of the world has returned to normal, it’s isolating. And it’s confusing.

The numbers are rising in our county. The death toll is rising in our county. And simultaneously the rate of normalcy seems to be skyrocketing, too. 

My kids are asking what we are going to do for Halloween. And what about Thanksgiving? And what about theater? And basketball? And next semester?

What about it? What are we going to do? 

RELATED: Decision Making Exhausts Me as an Overthinking Mom

Friends, I am tired of this. I know on some level, we all are. And I’ve tried to keep a positive attitude, but some days and some moments are harder than others.

And tonight, I just don’t want to make another decision.

Tonight, I don’t want to have to say yes, or no. Tonight, I am missing the pre-pandemic days of not having to make these difficult decisions. Over. And over. And over again. 

I can see the blessing. I can see the joy. I have felt peace. And I know there is much goodness that has been found in these days at home with my family. 

But, honestly, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to proceed. I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t know what we should do about next semester. I don’t know about extracurriculars. I can’t tell you what the holidays will look like. I don’t know if it’s OK to have my high-risk parents over.

I just don’t know.

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But I do know that regardless of how much I don’t want to make another decision, I will because that is what this season asks of me. And you will because that is what this season asks of you.

We will get through this. One day and one decision at a time.

And one day, when the masks are put away and the difficult decision making is behind us, we will hopefully look back and realize we are all much stronger because of it.

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Articles by Jennifer Thompson

Jennifer Thompson

Jennifer Thompson is a freelance writer, preschool art teacher and mother of four with a heart for Jesus. Her work can be found on a number of blogs and parenting publications. Recently relocated from Indianapolis to Nashville, Tennessee. She is a passionate storyteller and believes every person has an important story to tell. We grow when we share. And even more when we listen.  

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