Any time I get together for a night out with girlfriends, we cover every subject under the sun. We talk about motherhood, and pre-motherhood, and babies, and making babies. We talk about makeup. And working out. And sex. But even more specifically, how the whole being sexy thing changes after you have kids. 

These are the things women talk about. Because while men can go golfing together for 5 hours and come home knowing nothing about what is going on in their 4 man scramble, women dish about most everything at one time or another. Husbands, babies, sex, the price of tea in China – you name it – good friends probably gab about it. And when it comes to sex, especially, we each wonder, I think, are my husband and I “normal.” Because sex – the frequency, the places, the details – seems to be one of those things included in the everything that changes after baby {and if it hasn’t for you, then congratulations. You have super powers.}. 

I mean, my husband and I still like each other {hi, husband. I love you.}. Like really like each other. And enjoy each other’s company. And I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: even though we have three kids, we still get it on {sorry dad. and mom. and anyone else who doesn’t know what married people do}. But you know, it’s a wee bit different from our newlywed days. Because what ACTUALLY spices up your love life pre-kids and post-kids is dramatically different. And conditions, well, they need to be right for a post weeknight-bedtime-routine rendezvous.

There are lists everywhere, all over the world wide web. Articles proclaiming “steam up your sex life post kids” or “get back your mommy mojo” (not actual links, friends. Just examples of the mass of options}. But if you have any kids in your household, you know that these lists are totally bunk. Why? Well, I am here to tell you – the ole’ sexperts’ lists just don’t apply once you have enough kids that people say “you’ve got your hands full” everywhere you go. 

The lists are long and exhaustive of ways to “spice up the bedroom after baby.” Because sometimes, a little spice might be needed if you’re in a slump. Or if you’re exhausted after a long day and the mood is nowhere to be found. Or if you just can’t seem to get your groove back. But all of the lists and suggestions don’t seem to take into account something very important: YOU HAVE KIDS. 

Well, if you don’t feel like you’re finding your inner sex kitten, just know that you are not alone. Not only are there physical changes that can make it harder to get on board with the Mama Sutra but there are other factors to be considered. Because once you have kiddos under your roof, those spicy sex suggestions take on a whole new life of their own, don’t they? 

8 Spicy Sex Suggestions That Have New Meaning to Mamas

1. Wear something special

I hope that by, “wear something special” these sexperts are referring to a shirt other than the one I wore during the day. Because these days, that’s about as special as it gets in my current life. The lingerie I own is exactly as many years old as my wedding vows. And definitely doesn’t do my post-feeding funbags any favors. And the last time I attempted to purchase any sort of getup for a special occasion, my then 5 year old wondered why all the clothes in the store were see-through. Additionally, the last thing I need is for my now 4 or 6 year old to wander into my room at night asking for water or needing to snuggle, and instead fielding questions about mommy’s fancy princess attire. Or having the one who is currently into dresses asking if he can use my neglige for dress-up the next day.

2. Bring toys into the bedroom

The other night I got into bed and removed a Hot Wheel, a copy of “If I were a Duck,” and a marker sans lid from under my comforter. Some nights there are stuffed animals left behind. Others, artwork brought home from school. My bed is basically a toy box. Literally. And that is just in my bed. Before I come up to said bed, I spend as many as 18 waking hours picking up toys. Everywhere. In every bit of my universe. So with three little munchkins trekking around the house, the last thing that is about to get me hot and heavy, is anything that can be labeled as a “toy.” Because you know who would probably end up finding the Rabbit or the Big Kahuna? The 20 month old who I caught running down the sidewalk with scissors the other day. I’m not sure what would offend the neighbors more: a toddler running around with scissors OR a vibrator. 

3. Try experimenting with food

I looooove food, people. So much so that I snack all day. So much so that the other night, I took off my sports bra before snuggling into bed and a Cheerio dropped out of it. Maybe it had been shoved there by my smallest one. Maybe I’d put it there to save it for later. Either way, my husband didn’t bat an eye. I doubt he even noticed my mad sexy skillz. And he definitely didn’t want to jump my bones because I brought something extra to nosh on. I, on the other hand, wanted a bowl of milk and a spoon. And some additional Cheerios. So food in the bedroom would not make me horny. It would make me hungry. And that would ruin the mood pretty quickly.

4. Sext your significant other throughout the day

While I did not grow up in the texting generation, I definitely think that texting is one of the best inventions to ever grace the planet. However, when it comes to the idea of sexting {sexy texts} my husband, sounds like a recipe for disaster. Why? Because what if I accidentally text my dad? How am I gonna explain the banana and eggplant emojis other than to tell him it’s what’s for dinner? What if my six year old reader sees one of my steamy messages and I have to respond to questions like, “why did you tell daddy that you’re hot for him? Were you wearing a sweater?” Or if one of his co-workers sees the message indication pop up and knows how terrible his wife is at daytime wooing?The risk just does not seem worth the reward, my friends. Maybe I could just shoot him a snail mail and hope that the day he receives it the children are angels, they are in bed by 7:30 pm and I have showered beyond doing a PTA bath. And then, if the stars align, it will be on like Donkey Kong.

5. Naptime nooky

My children are finally at the age where I can apply the logic, “nap when they nap.” So the last thing I want to do when they nap is NOT nap. So naptime nooky is a no no.

6. Have some wine 

Wine is delicious. Wine even makes me feel a bit frisky at times. Before kids, even after the first two kids, I could easily split a bottle with the hubs and be ready to get randy {perhaps that would explain number three}. But since number 3, I have some wine, it tastes delicious, and about four seconds after the frisk-factor kicks in, I fall asleep. And while I love multi-tasking as much as the next mama, I’m gonna go ahead and pass on that.

7. Schedule yourselves

I get it. We’re busy. We’re tired. We have Cheerios stuck to our boobs. And so maybe, as parents, you should schedule your visits to Funkytown. But really. The last thing I want on the calendar is one more to-do. One more obligation. One more thing that I feel like I have to do. And where, prey tell, shall I note this addition to the schedule? Should I put a fire sticker on the family calendar? Should I write a “tonight 9:30” on the bathroom mirror? Or maybe I should just write it on my hand? Again. My child reads every word he can get his eyes on. And the answer of “nunya” when he asks a question just doesn’t seem to suffice. 

8. Try a new place

This suggestion for parents absolutely baffles me. One article even noted, “try the stairs! Or the minivan!” Mmmm K. How about try some place that won’t completely scar your children for life if they should walk out of their rooms to use the bathroom and catch you bumping uglies? Or a place that has a lock on it and doesn’t have smashed up Goldfish crackers everywhere? The last place that would turn this mama of three boys on is the vehicle that houses all the carseats. 

 

So, where does that leave us, friends? I’m not saying that mamas have to be snorefests in the sack. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t get as creative as you want when you canoodle your mister. Or that you should turn off the lights and snuggle into sleep. But as mamas I think it takes a little bit more effort to keep the fires burnin’. And if you’re planning to use any of the above ideas, maybe they’re better suited for the weekend. So what’s a mama to do to spice up her love life if the sizzle starts to fizzle? How is mama supposed to maximize her mojo? This mama-to-three has three words of advice and those words are: Just do it. With as much or as little flavor as you prefer. As often as you and your spouse prefer. However you can make it happen. Just. Do it.