The person you need the most when you become a mom is your own mom. 

You need the person who created you to help you navigate this new phase in your life and nothing and no one can prepare you for doing it without her whether it’s your first or fifth. 

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It starts the second you see the positive you tell your husband and the next call goes to . . . who? The one person who is going to burst from excitement and start shopping right away is now in a place without phones.

You’ll tell yourself she sent that baby just for you, and that’s OK because she did. 

Up next is all the planning. Finding out the gender, designing the nursery, and picking out names. If you’re like me, it’s a double-edged sword when you pass on her name but don’t get to see her tears of joy as you announce it. Then there are the updates and sonogram pictures that don’t get sent after each appointment as you wonder who this baby will look like and wish she were here to talk about her experiences with pregnancy and delivery. 

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At the hospital, her absence is overwhelming when she is not there to fret and worry helplessly because she can’t do this for you. But now she can’t even hold your hand. Then again when she’s not in the hospital room eagerly awaiting her turn to hold that precious bundle and pose for the pictures. 

Then you get home and you’re in the trenches. You’ve been exposed in every imaginable way, you’re exhausted and sore. You are falling in love in a way you’ve never felt or imagined. Your worries and anxieties are at an all-time high, and you are at your most vulnerable.

You want the person who has always taken care of you. 

You’ll miss being able to just cry into her arms from the combination of hormones and lack of sleep. You’ll crave the comfort that came with a fresh-cooked meal that takes you straight back to your childhood. You’ll wish she could be there to help with the responsibilities you feel overwhelmed by, and most of all, you’ll long to see your baby in her arms. 

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Little by little those babies bring surprising gifts. You’ll see her in their smiles and hear her in their laughter. When they learn her name, it brings you peace. When they start asking about her, the stories will flow. When they talk about her like they knew her, you know you’ve done it right.  Most importantly you’ll find her in yourself as you become a mother, and it helps to bring her just a little bit closer.

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page

Adrianne Thompson

Motherless daughter who uses writing to process grief and healing. I married my best friend six years ago. We have experienced some big tragedies and a whole lot of love, including the three tiny humans we have brought into the world.