I couldn’t sleep. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I shook like I drank a week’s worth of coffee in one sitting. My mind hopped around from my problem to possible solutions, back to the problem, to other possible solutions, to how this was all going to end in the worst possible scenario. Or scenarios. I mean, more than one really bad thing can happen at the same time.

I was so anxious. So worried. So fearful. It was hard to breathe. My stomach churned. I was, quite literally, worried sick.

In the midst of it, I tried to pray.

I tried to recall Bible verses to still my heart and my mind. But I just felt so stuck. Verses that have been committed to memory for years weren’t getting through. It was almost as if the wires were cut. I knew He promised to always be with me. So why did we feel disconnected? 

And then a thought popped into my brain that was completely unnerving for someone who was already past her last nerve. You are a fraud. You talk like you believe in Jesus and trust in God. You have all of this “Biblical knowledge.” You write it all over your blog and proclaim it to the world on the Internet. You discuss it over coffee with friends. You lead a Bible study. You preach it to kids on Wednesday nights. You stand up in front of crowds and sing about it. But when you need His peace the most, you don’t have it. You are a mess. What are you getting out of this so-called “faith”? What is the point if it’s not helpful when you need it the most? You are a fraud and your faith isn’t real. 

A very quiet whisper said, “Shannon, you know that’s a lie.” But I didn’t know how to fight back. In the midst of my panic attack, I didn’t know how to overcome it.

I must have eventually fallen asleep, though it didn’t feel like it. But when I woke up, I knew. I knew it was my anxiety wreaking havoc again. I knew Satan took advantage of my weakened state to heap harmful lies on top of already overwhelming fear. I knew I needed to ask for help. Again. And I knew I needed to go back on my anxiety meds. Again. 

While I was discouraged to have to admit I needed help, I somehow knew it was OK to ask for it. I knew God was going to get me through it. And I knew my faith is real and true no matter how I feel. 

How do I know? Because my feelings do not always tell the truth. They are fickle and frail. But God is unchanging. Only His Word is truth.

No matter how my faith ebbs and flows, He is constant.

I am a human being living in a broken world. I am weak. I stumble. I fall. I struggle. My body is susceptible to illness, and my brain is a part of my body. God did not intend for us to struggle with any kind of illness. He created a perfect world that was ruined by the fall. 

Now, some of us have to fight infections, viruses, and autoimmune diseases, betrayed by our own immune systems. Some of us get cancer, betrayed by our own cells. And some of us struggle mentally, betrayed by our own brains. Until Jesus makes us whole someday, of course.

But I do not lose heart because even in the midst of my weakness, I know God is working in me and through me for His glory. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 says, “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

My MacArthur Study Bible has an explanation that says, “By using frail and expendable people, God makes it clear that salvation is the result of His power and not any power His messengers could generate . . . The messenger’s weakness is not fatal to what he does; it is essential.”

And so, through His strength and not my own, I get up after I fall down.

I start over after I fail. I try again. I ask for help when I need it. I use all the tools God has given me to help me heal and grow. Prayer, His Word, a counselor, medication, the support of friends and family. 

I keep on reading the Word. I continue to write about it. I refuse to quit teaching it. And I will sing about Him as long as I have breath and the ability to do so. 

It is my humble prayer that God will take this scared little mess of a person and use me to point people straight to Jesus. Because He’s the only explanation for how I can accomplish anything.

That doesn’t make me a fraud. That makes Him faithful.

You may also like: 

Mommy Has Anxiety

Being a Mom With Anxiety is the Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done

Dear Husband, Thank You For Loving Me Through the Storm of Anxiety

 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Shannon Lenz

I am a wife to my best friend, a mama to a sweet boy and baby girl, and a dog mom. My mission is to write words that encourage, comfort, inspire, and draw my readers closer to the Lord. When I'm not writing or chasing after my kids, I'm singing, reading, or cheering on the Huskers. You can read more from me at http://shannonlenz.com/.

Your Kids Don’t Need More Things, They Need More You

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young girl smiling together at home

He reached for my hand and then looked up. His sweet smile and lingering gaze flooded my weary heart with much-needed peace. “Thank you for taking me to the library, Mommy! It’s like we’re on a date! I like it when it’s just the two of us.” We entered the library, hand in hand, and headed toward the LEGO table. As I began gathering books nearby, I was surprised to feel my son’s arms around me. He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss with an “I love you, Mommy” before returning to his LEGO—three separate times. My typically...

Keep Reading

Mom, Will You Pray With Me?

In: Faith, Motherhood
Little girl praying, profile shot

“Will you pray with me?” This is a question I hear daily from my 9-year-old. Her worried heart at times grips her, making it difficult for her to fall asleep or nervous to try something new. Her first instinct is to pray with Mom. Perhaps this is because of how many times her Dad and I have told her that God is with her, that she is never alone, and that she can always come to Him in prayer and He will answer. Perhaps it is because she has seen her Dad and I lean on the Lord in times...

Keep Reading

My Aunt Is the Woman I Want to Become

In: Faith, Living
Woman with older woman smiling

It’s something she may not hear enough, but my aunt is truly amazing. Anyone who knows her recognizes her as one-of-a-kind in the best way possible. It’s not just her playful jokes that bring a smile to my face, her soul is genuinely the sweetest I know. I hope she knows that I see her, appreciate her, and acknowledge all the effort she puts in every day, wholeheartedly giving of herself to everyone around her. When I look back on my childhood, I see my aunt as a really important part of it. We have shared so much time together,...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

Motherhood Never Stops, and Neither Does My God

In: Faith, Motherhood
Daughter kisses mother on cheek

I’m standing in the shower rinsing the conditioner out of my hair with a toddler babbling at my feet, running through this week’s dinner menu in my head. “Hmm, this meal would be better suited for this day, so what should we do instead?” or “Maybe we should save that for next week since it’s easy and we will be busy with baseball starting back up. I can work something in that may take more effort in its place.” Being a wife and mother, running a household, it’s about the small moments like this. There’s something about it that is...

Keep Reading

So God Made a Sunday School Teacher

In: Faith, Living
Woman sitting at table surrounded by kids in Sunday school class, color photo

God looked around at all He had created, and He knew He would need someone to teach His children. So God made a Sunday school teacher. God knew He needed someone with a heart and desire to teach children God’s word. God knew the children would act up and made Sunday school teachers with patience and grace to guide them when they step out of line in class. He also made Sunday school teachers with a touch of discretion to know when the stories of a child may be real or imagined. God knew this person would need to be...

Keep Reading

But God, I Can’t Forgive That

In: Faith, Marriage
Woman holding arms and walking by water

Surrender is scary. Giving in feels like defeat. Even when I know it’s the right thing, yielding everything to God is scary. It also feels impossible. The weight of all I’m thinking and feeling is just so dang big and ugly. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I cling so tightly to my fear I don’t even recognize it for what it is. Bondage. Oppression. Lack of trust. Oh, and then there’s that other thing—pride. Pride keeps me from seeing straight, and it twists all of my perceptions. It makes asking for help so difficult that I forget that...

Keep Reading

Dear Dad, I Pray for Our Healing

In: Faith, Grief, Grown Children
Back shot of woman on bench alone

You are on my mind today. But that’s not unusual. It’s crazy how after 13 years, it doesn’t feel that long since I last saw you. It’s also crazy that I spend far less time thinking about that final day and how awful it was and spend the majority of the time replaying the good memories from all the years before it. But even in the comfort of remembering, I know I made the right decision. Even now, 13 years later, the mix of happy times with the most confusing and painful moments leaves me grasping for answers I have...

Keep Reading

God Redeemed the Broken Parts of My Infertility Story

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Two young children walking on a path near a pond, color photo

It was a Wednesday morning when I sat around a table with a group of mamas I had just recently met. My youngest daughter slept her morning nap in a carrier across my chest. Those of us in the group who held floppy babies swayed back and forth. The others had children in childcare or enrolled in preschool down the road. We were there to chat, learn, grow, and laugh. We were all mamas. But we were not all the same. I didn’t know one of the mom’s names, but I knew I wanted to get to know her because she...

Keep Reading

God Has You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman hugging herself while looking to the side

Holding tight to the cold, sterile rail of the narrow, rollaway ER bed, I hovered helplessly over my oldest daughter. My anxious eyes bounced from her now steadying breaths to the varying lines and tones of the monitor overhead. Audible reminders of her life that may have just been spared. For 14 years, we’d been told anaphylaxis was possible if she ingested peanuts. But it wasn’t until this recent late autumn evening we would experience the fear and frenzy of our apparent new reality. My frantic heart hadn’t stopped racing from the very moment she struggled to catch a breath....

Keep Reading