God, I’m leaning in. I’m leaning into this grief. I’m leaning in to this valley.

I’m going to need You to carry me through this. If I lean in, I need You to catch me.
I’m leaning in, God, but it feels more like falling. I don’t think I’m doing this gracefully. I don’t even really know if I’m leaning in the right way. But God, I’m leaning in.

Before her, I thought leaning in was uncomfortable. I thought leaning in was sometimes unpleasant. But God, I didn’t know leaning in could be this ugly.

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I didn’t know that leaning in could leave me on the living room floor. I didn’t know that leaning in meant speaking to You in cries. I didn’t know how badly I would want to avoid the lean, if only in an effort to protect myself from this pain.

I didn’t know what leaning in truly meant God, not until I lost her.

I’m scared, God. I’m scared I’m going to have to lean in to this grief for the rest of my life. I’m scared that leaning in looks like an active, even-when-I-don’t-want-to choice that I am going to have to make every single day. It feels impossible right now to manage this God, but I’m still leaning in.

Yahweh, I’m crying out to you. My God, please hold her close because I can’t. Please hold me close, God, because I am unable to hold myself up. You are the Comforter, the Teacher, and the Father. I need all of You, God.

I need You to comfort my weary heart. I need You to teach me how to navigate through this darkest valley. I need to feel that I am Your child, God, just as she was mine.

You are the Great I Am, but Lord, I’m not sure who I am anymore.

I’ve been thrown into this identity that I never wanted–I am the mother whose child has died. I am the loss mom. I am lost, God. But You are sovereign. You are the Creator–You created her perfectly for me and You created me perfectly for her–mother and child, as it should be. As You designed it to be. Lord, You designed our story perfectly, please let me feel this as I lean in.

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I’m leaning in, even though I don’t really want to right now. I’m leaning in, God because I don’t really know what else to do. Lord, please let her know me. Please let her know she was my child and that this will always be.

Abba, give me peace. 

Originally published on the author’s blog