We had been trying for you for over a year.
So needless to say, we were very excited when we saw the two pink on lines on three pregnancy tests. I was already thinking of names. I had picked Audrey for a girl and Noah for a boy. I was obsessed, checking all the pregnancy apps on my phones to see what stage in development you were and that you were now the size of a blueberry.
I was thinking it was time for a bigger house because we needed more room with all the baby supplies we needed. When your sister was a baby her room looked like it came directly from a catalog. She had all white furniture and a colorful owl theme on the walls.
We had all prayed for you for over a year. Even your 4-year-old sister had started to pray that God would put a baby in Mommy’s tummy. I had started going to church and the sermon was about trials and miracles. During the service, they also had a baby dedication to the church. It was one of your sister’s friend’s new baby.
All I could think was, “How is this fair? That family now has baby number three! All I want is a second and I can’t even have that?”
Then we discovered I was pregnant! But the over-thinker in me started to worry.
What if it’s sick? What diseases could it develop? Karma could bite me in the butt for thinking about not wanting a sick baby. That I should feel blessed with any baby. I have epilepsy; is that genetic? What if I miscarry? Do you know how many women have had miscarriages in my family? Too many.
Then the blood tests came back.
The hCG levels that are supposed to double every 48 hours, didn’t. They only raised a little bit. The doctor thought maybe I just wasn’t as far along as I thought. Then more blood tests. Same results. I had an ultrasound. It showed nothing. But, I was Miss Optimistic. This baby is strong. It’ll be fine.
Then a strong kick to my optimism knocked me right down. Spotting. Then full on bleeding.
Then I knew.
You were gone.
Just as quickly as you had appeared.
I put on a brave face. “Whatever. It is what it is. It can’t be helped.” But inside I was mourning the loss of the baby we have tried so hard for. I was devastated.
But as each day went on, it didn’t hurt as much. You weren’t meant to stay long. Just enough to show us that yes, we were able to get pregnant. But to also appreciate what we have. We also have more time to prepare for another baby.
I will miss you and the dreams I had of what you would look like . . . but you couldn’t stay with us.
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