I think we all can agree that what we are going through right now is something that none of us could have ever imagined. Most days, I wake up and honestly feel like I am living in a movie or better yet, a nightmare. On one side, this has been so incredibly hard in so many ways for me and I can’t ignore it. On another side, I feel like I don’t get to be this anxious and stressed because every other person is feeling the exact same way. So who am I to be struggling this much?
But then I remember what I’ve been through. I remember what my life is like. I realize that these feelings have been 100 percent intensified by the fact that my mom isn’t here.
COVID has left me grieving so many things. It has left me grieving my life before this and grieving all of the normalcy that came with that. But it also has left me grieving my mom all over again.
With every experience that leaves me feeling some sort of grief, it brings back the strongest grief that I have ever experienced, the loss of my mom.
Things have been hard for me. My anxiety and depression have been worse than ever. The isolation has been so difficult for me. All of this alone time at home and being stuck unable to do the things I enjoy most and without so many of the outlets that I normally use to practice self-care and keep me grounded, I find myself missing my mom more than ever.
She would know just what to say. She would know how to help me through this.
Most importantly, I would have her to keep me company on the days I feel so alone.
In a perfect world, I would be able to call her. I would be able to lay in bed with her and tell her all about these stressful days. I would be able to keep her updated on my life. Everything would be better if she was here with me.
So these COVID days have me missing her more than I have in a while. They have me feeling this void more than I do on any normal day. Things have been hard. Harder than usual. And it’s about time that I admit that this is OK.