I’ve done a lot of healing since my mom died. There are a lot of things I have made peace with which have aided in my grief. However, I am human and there are things that I still have a really hard time with. There are things that bring me anger and things that I find a great deal of difficulty wrapping my head around.

For starters, moms who get to be moms and take it for granted. Nothing makes me angry like knowing someone gets the opportunity to be alive and be there for their children and still chooses to be selfish and not play an active role in their kids’ lives. It’s something that may seem so simple and guaranteed, but for me, who has lost my mom at a young age, I just don’t see it that way. I see getting to be a mom and be there for your kids as a privilege.

My mom wanted to be here.

When my mom got diagnosed with cancer, she was terrified. Sure, she was scared about the treatments and side effects but more so, terrified to have to leave me.

I couldn’t even count how many times I heard my mom had said to someone, “But I’m not ready to die. I’m not ready to leave my family.” My mom knew what things she was going to miss and the idea of that broke her heart.

My mom wanted to watch me grow up. She wanted to watch me be successful. She wanted to watch me build a family and be part of it every step of the way.

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But instead, my mom won’t be there on my wedding day.

My mom won’t ever get to meet my children.

My mom and I will never get to have an adult relationship the way so many people in my life get to have with their own moms.

And it’s not fair.

Not only is it not fair to me and the rest of my family, but it is unfair to my mom. It is unfair to my mom because she wanted to be here.

My mom wasn’t ready to leave us.

There was so much more she wanted to do. There was so much she was afraid she was going to miss.

I’d be lying if I said her fears weren’t true. There is a hell of a lot my mom has missed and even more she is going to continue to miss. It’s not fair. None of it.

So, if you get the chance to be a mom, don’t take being part of your children’s lives for granted. And if you still have your mom, cherish her every day, cherish all the moments you get to share with her.

Remember just how lucky you really are.

This post originally appeared on the author’s blog

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Christie Lynn

I’m a 25 year old social worker and blogger using my words and experiences to help others though hardship, grief and mother loss.