Dear Baby Julian,

It’s been five years since we found out you were coming and lost you. All within one week. One week. That’s all I got. Well, that and this hospital bracelet.

For your brother and sister, I have hospital bracelets, too. But I have one that matches mine for each of them. The bracelets are downstairs in a memory box surrounded by other mementos.

Mementos I don’t have of you.

Like ultrasound pictures . . . I don’t have any ultrasound pictures to remember you by. They did an ultrasound but it was too early to see you. I never even heard your heartbeat.

Your brother and sister each have a baby book down in their boxes. One page is full of weekly bump pictures. On another, I wrote their birth stories. Page after page is filled with sweet photos. First baths and first visitors. Their homecomings. You never came home with us.

You went Home with Jesus, I know. But you never came home with us.

I so wish I would have known you this side of Heaven. I wish I had all of your milestones written in a book. I wish I had your homecoming outfit and your beanie from the hospital. Maybe even a hospital issue pink and blue striped swaddle blanket.

And I wish I had another one of these hospital bracelets. One with that said,”Lenz, Boy”. Or perhaps, “Baby Girl Lenz” with your birth date and time.

I wish. And I wonder about you.

But I don’t wonder about this. You were one of a kind. Made up of our DNA. Your daddy’s and mine. You were just starting to be knit together in an awesome and wonderful way. You were a life that God created.

Even though it was painfully short, your life was on purpose and for His purpose. You mattered. So, so much to me.

JJ Heller wrote this lyric,
“How does something so small
Hold my heart so tightly.
I don’t even know you,
But I love you completely.”

That’s exactly how I feel about you. Even five years later.

It feels like this hospital bracelet is all I have of you. But that’s not true. I have the hope of Heaven, too. And that’s better than a whole box of memories.

See you someday.

Love,
Mom

This post originally appeared on Shannon Lenz: My faith-My family-My stories

 

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Shannon Lenz

I am a wife to my best friend, a mama to a sweet boy and baby girl, and a dog mom. My mission is to write words that encourage, comfort, inspire, and draw my readers closer to the Lord. When I'm not writing or chasing after my kids, I'm singing, reading, or cheering on the Huskers. You can read more from me at http://shannonlenz.com/.