Finding a Way Back to Intimacy When it Feels All But Lost

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It had been months.

Life took its toll and the land was dry and barren like the scene from an old western movie with dust carrying in the wind and tumbleweeds strewn across the ground etched in cracks desperately seeking a droplet of water.

And in our marriage, not only were we not intimate (no sex whatsoever), we were so disconnected that I’m sure sometimes the kids felt like there were actual tumbleweeds blowing through the house.

Thankfully, two of our three were still merely littles at that time, which, as most moms can attest to, kind of gets in the way of feeling your best self.

My hubby and I dated for four years, and half of that time we were managing a long-distance relationship. But as soon as our eyes locked, it was GAME-OVER.

Sometimes our “hello” was muddled with locking lips and clothes finding themselves on the floor in seconds.

Ode to the honeymoon phase, right?

Life settled and a handful of years later when we did have sex, the rush of those same feelings from our dating years would remind us that hidden underneath laundry, dirty dishes, and shuttle stops to soccer practices there was still a wick to be lit.

And gradually, we found each other again.

It started with me feeling good about myself. I began running and getting back into shape.

It took months but a step at a time I would gradually gain confidence to be naked and intimate again.

Although with some insecurities, I am learning to embrace stretch marks from three growing babies in me, a reminder of my gallbladder surgery, and a seven-inch vertical scar from an ovarian tumor.

I have lived and my journey shows on my body but I have learned to accept it and I have shown my hubby that I can still be sexy, scars and all.

Though I will admit to being the aggressor in this arena, I enjoy making our sex life fun and unpredictable considering our parameters (like paper-thin walls).

I’ve even (I wouldn’t say as far as mastered) evolved to learning selfie angles reflecting my “best assets” off the mirror. Or sometimes I’ll send a text that may or may not evoke naughty thoughts. It is OK to remind yourself that you are also a wife and your own person. Mom mode can get a break, too. Find a healthy balance to express all your sides.

Relationships, marriages, all have their ups and downs. Hold on to the connection and chemistry that once pulled you to each other. Find your wick, reconnect, and light it up again.

You may also like:

The Key to a Thriving Marriage Isn’t Sex—It’s Intimacy

Dear Husband, When We Find Each Other Again

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JC Ellinger

JC Ellinger, when balancing life at home in Northern California with her three active children- being able to write about her life stories about parenting and her journey with her middle son with autism is where her heart is. Her life is motivated by her morning dark roast coffee, anything with truffle, and good beats to karaoke to in her minivan. She carries an MBA from Regis University and BA from CSU Long Beach.

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