I Am the Face of Postpartum Rage

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This is the face of postpartum rage.

I didn’t feel sad or depressed.

I didn’t have anxiety.

But I did cuss my husband out, slam doors, and break stuff.

One day I stormed out of the house with my toddler and baby in my arms.

I strapped them in the double stroller and demanded my husband stay home while I went for a walk.

“Get away from me!” I shouted.

I remember feeling so incredibly angry.

I had so much emotion, so much energy, and all of this stuff inside of me was too much. It all came out in a fit of rage.

I had to get out of the house. And I didn’t want my husband anywhere near me.

“Why won’t you talk to me? What’s going on with you?” he asked when I came home from my power walk.

I couldn’t answer. I felt so ashamed of the way I treated him. And I honestly didn’t have an answer because I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

RELATED: Mom Anger: Taming the Beast Inside

I wasn’t depressed and I wasn’t anxious. I passed the six-week depression screening with flying colors.

But no one screened me for rage.

Now I know I was experiencing postpartum rage.

Rage.

Intense uncontrollable anger.

Unexplained outbursts over the small stuff.

Like the time I got so frustrated with my flour canister because I couldn’t get the lid back on. After a few failed attempts, I raised my arm and slammed my hand down on the lid.

The ceramic top shattered from the force of my rage-filled fist.

No one screened me for rage.

Postpartum rage. It’s like an out-of-body experience.

I never curse at my husband, break stuff, or slam doors and storm off. But I did have all of these outbursts during the first six months after giving birth to my second baby.

I hid it from my friends.
I hid it from my kids.
I hid it from my family.

But I couldn’t hide it from my husband.

My husband took the brunt of all my rage.

RELATED: I Don’t Want to Be an Angry Mom

I look back on that time in my life and feel ashamed of the way I treated my husband.

I wonder what my life would have been like if I told my doctor. I wonder how I would have felt if I took a pill or went to therapy.

But I was knee-deep in diapers and dismissed my outbursts.

I brushed it off because I wasn’t sad all the time or fighting depression.

My rage-filled outbursts came out of nowhere. I felt pretty good in the calm before the storm. I actually felt happy until the anger boiled up and I had to power walk my way through a rage wave.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel so angry,” I finally admitted to my husband.

He did his to best support me. But I regret not getting more help.

I regret not making a doctor’s appointment. I thought about it many times and always came up with an excuse.

I wish I could get those rage-filled months back. But I can’t.

I wish I could go back in time and make things right with my husband. But I can’t.

All I can do is share my story.

Because no one screened me for rage.

RELATED: We’ve Got to Show Up For Moms in Postpartum Darkness

If you feel anger, rage, or overwhelming feelings you can’t explain, reach out for help.

You don’t have to deal with postpartum rage on your own.

You are not alone.

This post originally appeared on Motherhood Empowered with Audra Powers

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Audra Powers

Audra is a writer, speaker, and singer/songwriter sharing hope filled perspectives + faith building truths. She is a homeschool mom and a thrifty homemaker. Audra lives in the high desert with her husband and three young children.

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I Am the Face of Postpartum Rage

I remember feeling so incredibly angry.

RELATED: Mom Anger: Taming the Beast Inside

But no one screened me for rage.

Postpartum rage. It’s like an out-of-body experience.

RELATED: I Don’t Want to Be an Angry Mom

I brushed it off because I wasn’t sad all the time or fighting depression.

RELATED: We’ve Got to Show Up For Moms in Postpartum Darkness

You are not alone.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Audra Powers

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Repotting Myself: What My One‑Armed Grandpa Taught Me About Growing Anyway

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So God Made a Mother

I Am the Face of Postpartum Rage

I remember feeling so incredibly angry.

But no one screened me for rage.

Postpartum rage. It’s like an out-of-body experience.

I brushed it off because I wasn’t sad all the time or fighting depression.

You are not alone.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Farewell My Father: Walking the Trail of Beauty in Old Age

Sometimes Healing Doesn’t Look Like Moving On

Now that You’re Gone, I Sit In This Waiting Room Alone

She Was the Glue That Held Our Family Together

My Parents Will Never See This Face

The Due Date that Never Comes

Repotting Myself: What My One‑Armed Grandpa Taught Me About Growing Anyway

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

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