Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

Dear sweet baby girl,

One day I’ll tell you. 
The secret, between you and me.
 
A secret I always carry with me. 
From when I was carrying you.
 
A secret I’ve told no one else in the world. 
And I fully intended to keep it that way.
 
A secret that has followed and haunted me.
As I get lost in awe of keeping up with you.

You see, sweet baby girl, during the time I decided to keep this secret, I didn’t realize that how you saved me, may very well save someone else. 

I didn’t realize that sharing our little secret might allow someone else to share theirs as well. To not feel so guilty and ashamed, as I have felt for so many years. 
As hard as it is to share, beautiful darling, Mommy had a very secret struggle I was too scared to make known. An ongoing, lifelong battle with a seven-letter thief that had stolen so much of life’s joy from me. I hated it, my anxiety. Because all too often, it led me straight to its counterpart: depression. And when you were growing so strong and beautifully within Mommy’s belly, both anxiety and depression paid me a very unwelcome visit. 
 
So, one late-fall evening, hands covering you in protection, tears streaming down, falling right where your feet were playing around, I hit one of my lowest points ever in this 30-some-year battle. I felt as though the weight of the world was just too much, and Mommy had a tremendously difficult time pushing away these two liars, swirling around me, like the perfect storm. They told me so many things that were completely untrue. Complete and utter lies. But, Mommy was so tired of battling them, that I almost gave up.
 
And there as I found myself, sitting with my back against Mommy and Daddy’s bed, they almost won the battle. They almost defeated you and me both, precious girl. Because, together, they conjured up the biggest lie yetthe world would be better of without me. Your sisters and your daddy would be better too.

My heart knew it wasn’t true, but my mind convinced me otherwise.

At that moment, I did the only thing I could, sweet baby girl. I cried out to our God with my loudest whisper. I asked Him to please save us. I asked Him to please come sit with me. Right there on the hard, bedroom floor. I asked Him to please wrap you and me both in His complete protection. And, I asked Him to fight. To fight for me. To fight for you. To fight with all His might, for both of us. 

And as those tears cane streaming, my beautiful love, I felt you move around more than ever. And I knew, He was reminding me . . . that we are worth it. That He still had, and has, such an incredibly powerful purpose for both of us. To let those other precious mamas, with the same deflating and hopeless feelings, know He is sitting right there with them during every second of their pain. Sheltered under His all-encompassing wings, surrounding them with His stunning truthevery one of His children, and most especially His beloved mamas, is so completely precious and sacred, not only to Him but to the entire world.

RELATED: New Mom Takes Her Own Life After Silent Battle With Postpartum Depression: Why All Of Us Must Share Her Friend’s Plea

As I carefully picked myself up from the carpet below and headed to the hallway bathroom to wash my face, I found myself staring back at a mama’s soul in the dimly-lit mirror, teetering between despair and relief. And then, I saw His face, overshadowing mine. Staring me face-to-face in the mirror. Your sisters sound asleep, just footsteps away. Suddenly, I imagined your face. Every single tiny detail. Knowing there was no way on Earth I could miss absorbing every inch of your beauty, the first time you would be laid on my chest. 

Almost too weary to muster the energy back down the hallway and into bed, I felt Him carry me. As I was carrying you.

And I knew He tucked us in nice and tightly that night, sweet baby girl. He kissed us both, right then and there, and He knelt right down in that very same spot on the floor where we found ourselves moments before to pray over us. Praying for life. Praying for this story to share. Praying we would use this moment in time to one day help other mamas, finding themselves lost in the same unexplainable despair. Reminding them they too are made in His image. They too have a beautiful, one-of-a-kind purpose to fulfill. They too can find hope, courage, and peace in Him.
 
Maybe with counseling.
And maybe with a weary and vulnerable call for worldly help.
Possibly with a combination of His powers, plus all of these above.
 
That night was the lowest of lows for Mommy, precious.
 
But within those crushing, hopeless moments of my life’s worth, flickering in and out, like a light bulb burning out, He reminded me you were going to be one very special and beautiful source of light in my life. And that when my own light begins to dim, your love would reignite mine. Not only mine but that your light would carry beauty in the lives of so very many others, as well. Before you were born, you did just that. With His spirit wrapping us both in His safe embrace, He reminded me that we weren’t done. Together, we had so much for which to live.

More than anything, to share our raw, uncensored, beautiful truth, wrapped in His unconditional love, with other mommies and babies out there, drowning in the same riptide of lies. 

Because you, darling girl . . .
You deserve the world.
And it was, and is, my job to give it to you.
It was, and always will be, my job to keep myself in His embrace.
It was, and forever will be, my job to give myself to Him, so He can carry us both.

RELATED: I Have Anxiety and Depression—and I’m a Good Mom

And I thank God above each and every day that He did. That He still does. Carry us through those moments of feeling like giving up. Completely surrendering.
 
I thank Him for your gorgeous, huge, brown eyes that melt my heart every time.
I thank Him for your pure sweetness, straight from your heart of gold.
I thank Him for allowing you to be the best big sister ever.
And above all, I thank Him for the endless gift of being your mom.
 
One day, sweet baby girl.
I will tell you.
I will tell you of the evening you carried me.
While I was carrying you.
I will tell you of the evening He saved us both.
I will tell you of the incredibly grand purpose He has for you.

As you continue to be a shining light for me.

And the entire world to come.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Liz Spenner

Liz is a former elementary teacher and now a stay-at-home mama to six little ones. She writes as an inspiration and encouragement to other women, and most especially mothers on her blog, www.gracefullywoven.net (where you can subscribe and receive her free Five-Day Mini-Motherhood Devotional!). Liz loves spending with her family, outside as often as possible, as well as sneaking a few moments to herself with a run, dark chocolate and writing, with her faith as her greatest motivation.

There’s No Hard like NICU Hard

In: Baby, Motherhood
Three women and two toddlers, color photo

To the mamas and daddies navigating the NICU: There’s no hard like NICU hard. Seeing your spanking-new beloved placed in a glass bassinet and rolled away from your aching breasts and empty arms—it’s the absolute hardest. No one who hasn’t been there can possibly understand. But many of us out here get it. We understand your emotions—the tangled and tied-up ones that unraveled in that bassinet’s wake. Fear, anger, frustration, helplessness, sorrow. You feel like a failure. You feel completely undone. Defeated.  But you’re not even one of those things. You are parents, and parents are practically superhuman. You have...

Keep Reading

Please Don’t Ask When I’m Having Another Baby

In: Baby, Motherhood
Pregnant woman standing lakeside, color photo

We’ve all been asked it. Maybe once, maybe more times than we can count. Maybe we’ve even asked it ourselves, “When are you trying for baby #2?” It seems harmless, and most of the time it probably is. Pre-baby me never even stopped to consider that it was anything other than a curious, sometimes nosey, question to ask. The mom version of me today feels a completely different way. It’s now deeper and more complicated than it seemed in the past. The mom in me struggles every single time I’m asked this. Struggles to come up with an answer. Struggles...

Keep Reading

3 Ways to Help Your Firstborn Embrace Becoming a Big Brother

In: Baby, Kids, Motherhood, Toddler
Pregnant woman holding toddler son, color photo

My oldest son turned four right after his first brother was born. Four years of alone time with his parents. Four years of extra mommy time during the week. Four years of having toys to himself, extra attention from family members, and more. I didn’t plan a four-year age gap; it took our family a lot longer and a lot more help than we expected to have our second son, but age gaps aren’t everything. When my second son was finally on the way, I heard a lot of opinions about how our oldest son would feel once he finally...

Keep Reading

This is 40 and Pregnant

In: Baby, Motherhood
Black and white selfie of pregnant woman

I didn’t expect to be 40 and pregnant. But here I am, turning 40 this month with a baby growing inside me. Sometimes I think I have no business having a baby at this age. Then I wonder, why the heck shouldn’t I have a baby at 40? What’s so bad about it? Is it because I’m tired? Because I have more wrinkles dancing around my eyes when I laugh or smile? Is the truth that I don’t have enough energy for my children, that they deserve more, and that more is a younger mother? I see us everywhere—older moms...

Keep Reading

She’s My Rainbow Baby, but I Wasn’t Ready

In: Baby, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Mother holding baby girl in front of Christmas tree, color photo

On January 30, 2021 we lost our baby boy. I’d carried him for nearly 15 weeks when my water unexpectedly broke one night, and we miscarried. Just over a year later on February 10, 2022, I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby.  But I wasn’t ready.  I recall feeling out of sorts, thinking the last time I felt this way was during my first pregnancy, but there was no way we could be pregnant again. I anxiously awaited the results of a pregnancy test, and there it was: two pink lines.  But I wasn’t ready.   RELATED: Sometimes...

Keep Reading

This Little Life Changed Everything

In: Baby, Motherhood
Newborn photo of baby's hand, color photo

I get to run today. Yes, you read that correctly—I get to, not have to—and that’s a big and powerful difference. To say the past few months have been a whirlwind would be an understatement: a move to a new house . . . during the final days of pregnancy . . . with an earlier-than-expected labor that was wild, crazy, terrifying, complicated, and beautiful, perfect because of what it culminated in–new life and new perspective . . . followed by the Dreft-scented, snuggle-heavy, sleep-deprived days of life with a newborn. After all of this, I can honestly say life will...

Keep Reading

Why Is It So Hard To Admit Our Own Postpartum Struggles?

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding newborn close up

I recently attended physical therapy in an attempt to put my parts back together after having my second child. My physical therapist was also a young mom so we began talking about the various stages our children have passed through. At one point, she asked me if I had experienced any postpartum depression or anxiety. Without hesitation, I said no and then quickly backtracked and said, “Well, some difficult thoughts so yeah, I guess that would be postpartum anxiety.” After fumbling through my explanation, I immediately felt slightly ashamed for dismissing the notion so quickly and also a sudden urge...

Keep Reading

Worrying Is Part of the Job

In: Baby, Motherhood
Woman's hands holding baby head

My baby girl is four. How did four years go so fast? It blows my mind how much children develop in a short amount of time. One day they can’t lift their heads and then suddenly they’re shouting, “Go away, Mommy!” Lucy is my rainbow baby. She was born on a Wednesday evening in October. Our first day with her, we rested and gazed at our little creation. At midnight on Friday, we sent Lucy to the nursery so I could rest. At 2 a.m. a doctor rushed in. He flicked on the lights. Our tired eyes were blinded. “Lucy...

Keep Reading

I’m Sorry It Didn’t Come Naturally

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding newborn in hospital, color photo

I should have spent every waking moment with you. I should have been right there by your side through every difficult and challenging moment you faced. I should have moved hell and high water to make sure I was there. But I didn’t. And I should have. I’m sorry the first days of your precious little life were filled with strangers and wires and loud noises. I’m sorry you were being poked and prodded from the moment you finally opened those little eyes. I’m sorry that the angel nurses of the NICU were there for you when your mommy should...

Keep Reading

Dear Sophia’s Mama

In: Baby, Motherhood
Baby in isolette inside NICU

I think about you often. I noticed you on our second day in the NICU. I was in the hallway in front of your daughters’ room speaking with our nurse. You looked up from your chair and tried to smile. As I walked away, I looked at the nameplate on the door. Sophia. From where the rocking chair was in our room, I could see out our door to Sophia’s room. Over the next few days, I noticed your daughter’s door proudly displayed several milestones. “Off ventilator” and “first-time mommy held you” made me realize you were seasoned here. Your...

Keep Reading