Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

Numb. Angry. Empty. Confused.

These emotions filled every corner of my existence, replacing the love and excitement of what was supposed to arrive, but never did – my unborn baby.

If losing one unborn child was not enough, losing two just shattered my soul. Even though my first miscarriage was 8 years ago, my second miscarriage occurred last year. Round and round in circles, an array of questions and thoughts would torment my mind and reasoning.

Was it going to be a boy or girl? Why did it die? Was it sick? Why did I fall pregnant only to lose the baby? Was my body not properly functioning? Why did it have to happen twice? Why did both pregnancies end shy of three months?

Why, me?

The second miscarriage felt like the replay of the old movie, feeling trapped in a moment of time to when I initially endured my first loss. This intense dejection, suffering and melancholy ate into the core of my soul. All I wanted to do is hold them, see their innocent faces, and kiss their cheeks. Rather, I came face to face of their barely formed embryo’s. 

Nevertheless, heartbreaking experiences like a loss of an unborn baby has given me a different perspective on life. Having two losses widens my perspective even more so. 

My first experience of a loss taught me to yearn for a family that I never wanted before. I always imagined myself being a childless, single person. Now I am married, with a three year old son. I wouldn’t want life any other way. My pregnancy with my son was so daunting for the first trimester. Every morning I would wake up, thinking, this was it. I was going to lose my baby. Yet, everyday I was still pregnant. It wasn’t until I gave birth to him, and saw him take his first breath, I was relieved. We made it to the end. For this reason loss has made me realize how sacred, and precious life is. 

Indeed, life is precious, yet life works in miraculous ways. January 26th, 2008 was the day my first unborn child left me. Interestingly a friend predicted my next child will be born on the same day as I miscarried. My son’s due date was January 26th. If it is God, or a coincidence, to me my faith was restored that good can come from a bad experience. Even though my son was born two weeks early, I take in comfort that there is a strong connection between him and my unborn child. It was as if my son was meant to be.

My second miscarriage taught me that my husband and I can get through anything. We got through the first, and we were only dating for six months. Eight years on, we come face to face with another loss. What I have learned also with my husband is that he is suffering too. He does not feel the intricate pain, and sickness I experience. Regardless, he is still suffering. He is losing a child too. He is by my side at the hospital bed while I scream in agony, scream in anger, scream in fear. Those screams echo into his veins, his mind and he grieves too, in his own way. Whether it is in silence, invisible tears, transparent angst – he is suffering too. We may not comprehend completely what each of us is going through. Awkward silences. Walking past each other with out acknowledgement. However, together, slowly, we mend our broken hearts, with love and support for each other.

Both of my miscarriages have taught me that the love for a child is unconditional. Right from the beginning. From the moment finding out I am pregnant love is there. This love, from a mother to an unborn child is so sacred, a bond that will never be unbroken. The love for my unborn babies will never be forgotten, it will never diminish. That love is in a special place in my heart.

Above all else, I have learned foremost from my losses is that the loss was not a mistake, it was meant to be. Even though the doctors could not explain the reason, there was something seriously wrong with my babies, they did all they could to stop the miscarriages.

It was just not meant to be.

Even though it has taken me awhile to come to this state of mind, I finally accept that. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Yvette Mystakas

Yvette Mystakas is the founder and owner of She is Sacred - a blog, which embraces Womanhood, Sisterhood and Motherhood. She writes raw, from the heart, heartbreaking yet empowering words of her struggles with mental health, the importance of self-care and identity. Yvette has brought together women from across the globe sharing each other's stories. Whether they are a mother, single woman, wife, girlfriend, she is reassuring that we are all not alone and to embrace this beautiful mess. You can follow Yvette's journey on Facebook and Instagram.  

To the Friend Who Just Lost a Parent: It’s Going to Hurt and You’re Going to Grow

In: Grief, Grown Children, Loss
Sad woman hands over face

Oh, the inevitable, as we age into our mid to late 30s and beyond. The natural series of life states that losing a parent will become more commonplace as we, ourselves, continue to age, and I am beginning to see it among my circle of friends. More and more parents passing, and oh, my heart. My whole heart aches and fills with pain for my friends, having experienced this myself three years ago.  It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt more than you could expect. The leader of your pack, the glue, the one you turn to when you...

Keep Reading

Your Brother Is With Jesus Now

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Brother and sister in yellow outfits smiling on park bench

“Thao is with Jesus now,” we told her, barely choking out the whisper. Jesus. This invisible being we sing about. Jesus. The baby in the manger? Jesus. How can we explain Jesus and death and loss and grief to a 3-year-old? And now, how can we not? We live it, breathe it, and dwell in loss since the death of her brother, our son, Thao. Here we are living a life we never wanted or dreamed of. Here we are navigating loss and death in a way our Creator never intended. What words can I use to describe death to...

Keep Reading

Don’t Delete the Picture You Think You Look Bad In

In: Grief, Living, Loss
Woman holding phone with picture of her and daughter, color photo

Don’t delete the picture—the one you look bad in. I said it. You heard me. Don’t delete the picture, that picture—you know the one, the one with the double chin or the bad angle. The picture that is not so flattering. The picture that accentuates your forehead lines or the one taken next to your skinny best friend. We are all so hard on ourselves. Many of us are striving for a better complexion or a thinner physique. Sometimes scrutinizing ourselves and zooming in on a picture—seeing things the world does not see. Don’t delete the picture. RELATED: Take the...

Keep Reading

Things that Hurt and Things that Help after Someone You Love Has a Miscarriage

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
young woman with arms crossed across stomach

I am sadly no stranger to pregnancy loss. Out of seven pregnancies, I have been blessed with one beautiful boy on earth, one miracle currently growing inside of me, and five precious angels in Heaven. As a result, I have plenty of experience in dealing with the aftermath of miscarriage. During this period of intense grief and loss, I have had many well-meaning people tell me things they believed would make me feel better, but in reality, caused me pain. Additionally, I have had close friends pull away during this period of time, and later tell me it was because...

Keep Reading

Even When You Can’t Find Joy, Jesus Is There

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Sad woman through pane of rain covered glass

The international church service was vibrant with voices lifted up in songs of praise. Many clapped their hands and some even danced before God. But I wanted to be invisible. Joy felt like a land depicted in a fairy tale. I had returned from the hospital the day before—a surgery to remove the baby who had died in my womb. Watching this church buzz with happiness unearthed my fragileness. I slouched in my chair and closed my eyes. Tears trickled down my freckled face. My mind knew God was in control, but my heart ached as yet another thing I...

Keep Reading

He Mends Our Broken Hearts

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Praying hands of woman with bracelets

Rays of soft sunlight streamed through the curtain onto the hospital bed. I stepped to the edge of the bed, taking a moment to soak in his face before gently holding his hand. Eighty-nine years is a rich, full life, and each passing day revealed more convincingly it was time for him to go. Grief and relief shared the space in my heart as I carried the weight of understanding each visit held the opportunity to be my last.  When he felt my hand, his eyes opened, and he gifted me a smile. Pop Pop always had a smile for...

Keep Reading

This Is As Close to Heaven As I Can Get

In: Grief, Loss
Sunrise over the ocean, color photo

I have sat here a million times over my life—on good days, on bad days, with friends, with family. I have celebrated my highest points and cried here at my lowest. I am drawn here, pulled in a way. When I have not been here in some time, the sea calls my soul home. My soul is at peace here. It has always been. Maybe it is the tranquility of the waves, or the sun shining on my face. Maybe it is the solitude I find here. I love her (the sea) in all seasons, when she is calm, when...

Keep Reading

10 Things Bereaved Parents Want You to Know about Child Loss

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Sad couple hug in hallway

My first baby died. After a perfect full-term pregnancy, she was stillborn. That was 10 years ago. Ten years I’ve spent wondering who she would have been. Ten years I’ve spent missing someone I hoped to know but never got the chance to. In those ten years, I’ve learned so much about grief, love, and life.  Grief is love. When they laid my stillborn daughter’s cold and lifeless body in my arms, my world was broken into before this nightmare began and after, where I was forever cursed to live with it. I thought I would never be the same...

Keep Reading

“He’s Gone.”

In: Grief, Grown Children, Loss
Bride dancing with her father, color photo

That heart-wrenching moment when I received that phone call—the one that completely shattered life as I knew it. “He’s gone,” two words that brought me to my knees, screaming and crying. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t put into words what I was thinking or feeling, I was broken. Time slowed to a snail’s pace, it seemed like it took hours to arrive, and when we did, reality still didn’t sink in. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, we were supposed to have more time, way more time with him.  I’m too young to lose my dad, my kids...

Keep Reading

I Never Wanted to Be a Hospital Mom

In: Cancer, Motherhood
Toddler standing with IV pole, black-and-white photo

Life as a hospital mom is not a life for just anyone. You have no other choice, there is no get-out-free card you can just put down and say, “Nope, Lord, I do not want this, take it back.” My heart hurts 99 percent of the time. My heart hurts for my child and the pain he is suffering. A necessary evil to keep him on the side of Heaven’s gates.  My heart hurts from the unknown of each day. Will he eat? Will he thrive today? What utter chaos will be thrown our way today? Will there be vomit...

Keep Reading